“RJ is a newspaper columnist whose humor column, "Pogi from a Parallel Universe" comes out every Wednesday in the For Men section of the Philippine Star, the Editor-in-Chief of UNO Magazine, a seasoned television, events and weddings/debut host and actor."
Ladies, I have seen the enemy. And it is me.
Well, it could have been me if my wife hadn’t rescued me from the heathen, dirty magazine, asymmetrical-forearm-filled world of bachelorhood, and made me kaladkad (and very happily I might add) into the domestic, sleaze-free world of soiled diapers and calamansi-smelling bedsheets.
Because if I was still vigorously building my right arm muscles, I might have become a fully indoctrinated disciple chugging down on the Kool-Aid of Neil Strauss and his book The Game Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists.
Just who is Neil Strauss, my three female readers ask? Neil Strauss was once a regular female-starved journalist geek whose chances of scoring with the opposite sex were probably as dismal as an impeachment complaint. In pick-up artist terminology, Neil was what was known as your average frustrated chump (AFC) or, locally as Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) who might have only enjoyed sex vicariously. This probably explains why Neil helped Jenna Jameson co-author the book How to Make Love Like A Porn Star.
By his own admission, Neil is not a terribly attractive man. He is blessed with an oversized nose, beady eyes, a scrawny frame, and a treacherously receding scalp treacherous scalp with Rogaine-inspired loyalists. But don’t let his not terribly attractive looks deceive you: Neil should be feared by any female possessing a working set of reproductive organs.
Neil claims that The Game is an autobiography that chronicles several time-tested techniques from several of the worlds best pick-up artists (PUAs) to subvert the wills of the fairer sex more effectively than the President has over wills of congressmen. But for those of us who could only score dates with our first cousins, we know what this book is really all about: it is the saccharine sweet revenge of my brother nerds against all those “hard to get” saliva-inducing chickadees who spurned our offers to take them out on a date just because being seen with us would be the equivalent of suicide bombing your social life. But, more than just that, The Game it is also a big fat juicy EFF YOU to all the alpha-male sigas who turned our faces into punching bags and our uniforms into toilet paper during high school. Once my kapwa nerds speed read this book, they will take your women, your dignity and your clean underwear (not that you had any clean underwear to begin with).
The author’s journey into seduction wonderland started, innocently enough, when his editor had sent on a paper chase after the subtly named text, ‘The How to Lay Girls Guide’. From there, Neil sponged off the collective knowledge of PUAs who had spent all their waking time turning anthropology, evolutionary psychology, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming into weapons to can crack open the female species, literally. Ladies, be forewarned: not even a chastity belt will save you from a nerd on a pick-up rampage.
Neil’s first guru in the world of seduction science was a man na itatago natin sa panglang (we will hide under the name) Mystery who crafted his own seduction technique and called it (duh) the Mystery Method – a ‘Basic Training’ Workshop which included club entry, a limousine ride for four evenings and an hour lecture each evening with a thirty minute debriefing at the end of the night. By the end of the basic training, Mystery guaranteed that you will have approached more than fifty women, not including your female first cousins or your yaya.
But to achieve this feat, Mystery reminded his students that any feelings of embarrassment they experienced while trying to pick up a woman should be ignored as much as the truth is ignored in Philippine politics. In the words of Mystery, “All your emotions are going to try and $%^# you up. They are there to try and confuse you and they cannot be trusted at all. You will feel shy sometimes, and self-conscious, and you must deal with it like you deal with a pebble in your shoe. It’s uncomfortable, but you ignore it. It’s not part of the equation.” So don’t worry if you feel like a shameless and insensitive jerk who couldn’t care less what other people think of you, it is very good training if you want to be a crack pick-up artist or if you want to run for congress.
So for the benefit of my three female readers, here are some tidbits I have culled from The Mystery Method so they can adequately prepare themselves for men of these caliber, like by taking cyanide pills.
GAME NA GAME NA!
In a social situation, like in a bar or at a massage parlor, it is best not to approach a woman who is all by herself as it is the equivalent of approaching a caged animal who is ready to eviscerate you at the slightest prodding (Although this seduction is ideal for those who are into masochism). And the reality is that it is very rare to find soft drink shaped beauties all by their lonesome because they are often surrounded by desperate, pining men like yourself.
The best approach to a woman is very zen: Do not approach her. Rather, approach her friends instead. Give her the feeling that she is being intentionally ignored. For most NGSBs, I’m sure that that is a feeling you are very intimate with. Now, if your target is hanging around a co-ed group, pay initial attention to the men. Soften them up by offering to buy them a round of drinks, lacing their drinks with sleeping pills, and stealing whatever money they have left in their pockets once they are slumped on the ground.
There are many pretend skills that you can boast, like pretend ESP. For example, you can ask her to think of a number between one and ten (According to Mystery, the number is almost always seven). Or you can employ cold reading, a technique used by fortune tellers, televangelists and tsismis show hosts to tell people obvious truths about their personality or their background so you can bamboozle them into thinking that you know more about them than you actually do. But if all else fails, you can try magic tricks, like chewing on razor blades or hammering a nail into your nose or sawing off your hand. I am sure that after you perform those magic tricks, you will most likely get the phone number of her emergency doctor.
Man, if ever I meet any of these PUAs, I hope they let me check out their testicles. I would like to see if there have any satellites orbiting around them.
And what was the most important tip I picked up from The Game? You must a have a cool nickname. Everything hinges on the nickname. Not only do women like cool, mysterious aliases, but working under an alias is also of great benefit when the woman seeks legal action against you. In the PUA community, Neil Strauss was known as Style. His best buddies in the community included people like Sin, Herbal, Grimble, Twotimer, Extramask, Dreamweaver and, quite appropriately, Sickboy. As for me, I’ve never had the benefit of having a cool nickname. My grade school nickname means ‘bag’ in the vernacular. And despite new evidence to the contrary, the nickname has remained with me ever since. Although I wish my wife would stop calling me that already.