“RJ is a newspaper columnist whose humor column, "Pogi from a Parallel Universe" comes out every Wednesday in the For Men section of the Philippine Star, the Editor-in-Chief of UNO Magazine, a seasoned television, events and weddings/debut host and actor."
As we enter the Holy Week, let us ponder upon a topic that will lead to your own crucifixion: bachelor’s parties.
Do not bother asking a man what goes on during a bachelor’s party. They will be more tight-lipped than the President’s cabinet when it comes to keeping secrets. Suffice it to say, not much really goes on during these parties. There is a lot of drinking. A lot of card games. And a lot of livestock. But that’s it. There is nothing that goes on in these parties that you can go to jail for, for more than five years.
But there is absolutely no nudity involved. Well, that is a bit untrue. The only nudity involved are the pictures of naked women on the playing cards. And if the guests decide to play strip poker. But that’s it, that’s it. That’s truer than any government news report.
Of course, that wouldn’t be the case unless you acquired the services of a bachelor’s party organizer. Yes, that is a real job. It’s right up there with being a noontime television game show host, a nude talent manager and a man who controls the goat population by biting off their testicles (As hard it is to believe, it is a real job. Being a noontime tv game show show host).
And before I chronicle this interview with a bachelor’s party, I would like to make the following disclaimer: Because he has chosen to remain anonymous, anything he says in this interview is as reliable as a government news report.
HOW HOW DA CARABAO
RJ: So, are you married already?
(He who would rather remain silent because of self-incrimination): Yes.
For how long?
Eleven years.
So either your wife doesn’t know you organize bachelor’s parties for a living. Or you are chemically castrated.
She doesn’t know what I do. I just do this for fun.
Ah, fun. Much like playing Russian roulette is fun. So, do you have a day job a well? You weren’t making enough as a nude talent manager?
By profession I am in the ‘party business’. I organize events, parties and launches. And my organizational skills and my network, you meet a whole bunch of friends who just want to have fun. And, hey, there’s nothing wrong with watching.
That’s what I say to my wife too when she catches me surfing restricted sites online. How did you start off in this business while eluding arrest?
It started out when I got married. I had my bachelor’s party and I wasn’t happy with what I got. So, I put up my own party. Eventually, I had friends who were getting married who asked ‘Could you help me out or hook me up’. So word got around. The next thing you know, total strangers would call me out of nowhere. That’s how it all started, and it grew and grew and grew.
I see, it grew just like a tumor. That is truly a story worthy to share with the aspiring entrepreneurs of GoNegosyo.
WHY RAISE A CARABAO?
Why organize bachelor’s parties? Is it the easy money? The adrenaline rush? The death wish?
A bachelor’s party is a ritual that most men have to pass through in a lifetime.
Much like circumcision.
Exactly. Oftentimes, you get a lousy one.
I hope you are still referring to the bachelor’s party.
Let’s say your best man is a dork. I work with the groom and the best man to tailor something to their needs. I will work around their parameters as to how far or how crazy they would be willing to go. I’d even be sensitive to their religious beliefs.
I guess some grooms find that their bachelor’s party can be a highly spiritual experience. Especially when the bride finds out what happened during the party.
At the end of the night, I want to make sure everyone. and more particularly the groom-to-be has a party that he will never forget.
I’m sure he will never forget this experience when it is registered on the police blotter.
HOW MUCH IS THAT CARABAO IN THE WINDOW?
Whose job is it put together the bachelor’s party? Is it usually the best man? The future father-in-law? The groom’s yaya?
Based on experience, it’s usually the best man. The groom just has to be the willing victim. But there are certain elements of a bachelor’s party that not anybody can put together. So here I come with my services. Think of it this way: when you have a court case, you talk to a lawyer because he knows how to solve it. When you are getting married, then you talk to me.
So you are good at de-briefing your clients. But not personally though, I hope. And how many meals should the best man and the party guests skip to make the bachelor’s party is worthy of being placed in a police blotter?
Traditionally, it’s the best man who organizes all the finances. Of course, I work within your budget. When we meet up to plan the party, I ask how many people are attending, what are you expecting, and then I can cost it out and attach prices for all the individual items that you guys ask for. If you find it too steep, then I can always give you alternatives.
Alternatives? Like what? Performing animals?
If you’re a group of five guys, the damage could start off at about Fifteen Thousand, which includes the talents, room, food and some booze. The price can go up according to how many more guests you have and how crazy you want it to be.
Ouch, that price is of steep given these economic times. Can’t the talents just be inflatable?
THE CARABAO AT PLAY
So, in these bachelor’s parties: are there really girls involved?
Definitely.
You don’t say. How about explosives?
We’ve had a few parties where pyrotechnics was involved.
Ok, I better not ask then about livestock. And how exactly do you find performers for these parties without getting slapped?
In all of my years of wheeling and dealing and meeting all sorts of weird people, you meet these women and you establish friendships with these women. And in this day and age, everyone is looking for work. It’s a quick buck.
It there a rigorous screening process for these performers? Who is supposed to get rigorous?
I think my eyes do all of the rigorous auditioning. And I would assume that if any of these talents wanted to get involved willingly in a bachelor’s party, then they know what to do.
What do they know what to do? Light up the pyrotechnics? And to do these performers need to meet certain aptitude tests? Scholastic levels? Cup sizes?
Well, some are professional dancers. Aesthetically, it would also be more interesting for the guests if the performers had that certain look. And when it comes to aptitude and scholastic records, there are no written tests involved.
That’s a relief. Sometimes it is difficult to compute cup sizes. And what are the most popular songs played during bachelor’s parties? Careless whisper? Total eclipse of the heart? Three times a lady?
Well, I remember in your party it was…
Next question, do you actually have women jumping out of the cake to surprise the groom-to-be?
If they have the budget for the cake, yes. You’ve seen it in the movies and it has been done here. But I haven’t done that in quite a while because cakes are quite expensive.
Can you eat the cake after she comes out of the cake?
I wouldn’t. You don’t know where that cake’s been.
TAKING THE CARABAO BY ITS HORNS
What makes for a great bachelors party aside from entertainment, pyrotechnics and livestock?
Good friends. These parties don’t happen if you have boring friends. It really helps if you are a close knit group and that you are open to the type of craziness that you enjoyed in your youth that you will never do again later on in life, right? Its recklessness with great abandon.
And when you are jailed for recklessness with great abandon, you can form your own chain gang in bilibid. While on the subject of lawbreaking, have you ever kept, uhm, incriminating photos and videos of the bachelor’s party that you plan to make public prior to the 2010 National Elections?
In keeping with propriety, there is a gentleman’s agreement with everyone in the room that we don’t talk about anything after the party is over. It just stays embedded in our memories forever.
And sometimes in other body parts too if you’re not careful.
CARABAO MEAT
Sometimes it’s difficult to hold a bachelor’s party before the wedding because a lot of guests are flying in from out of town or abroad. So have you ever held a post-bachelor’s party and have any of the grooms ever survived one?
Well, I know some people who do monthly bachelor’s parties for themselves. They have no fiancées yet. Some don’t’ even have girlfriends yet. But they hold one just for the thrill of having a bachelor’s party.
That is usually the type of bachelor’s party my No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) friends hold every month. Except that there are no women. Moving on, have any brides ever discovered what goes on in your bachelor’s parties. And, if so, how much is the bounty on your head?
So far, none yet. Thankfully.
There’s always hope. Last question: If the bachelor’s party gets too wild for its own good, and the groom gets out of hand with some livestock, where do you dispose of the body?
That’s why we always carry around a lot of trash bags to clean up the room after.
Thank you for your time and may God have mercy on your soul.
If you want to contact Mr. Anonymous, his email is concierge.manila@yahoo.com