“RJ is a newspaper columnist whose humor column, "Pogi from a Parallel Universe" comes out every Wednesday in the For Men section of the Philippine Star, the Editor-in-Chief of UNO Magazine, a seasoned television, events and weddings/debut host and actor."
There are many things that you will learn The Tao of Pooh.
Benjamin Hoff used the un-Disney-fied version of A.A. Milne’s talking animals to teach readers about the principles of Taoism, such as the idea that “things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power” (P’u) or the idea that “things are as they are” (the Cottlestone Pie) and, finally, the idea “to do without doing it” (Wu Wei or the Pooh way).
However, there are some more esoteric principles that are not captured in the Tao of Pooh, such the idea that “You can only have sex with your eyes closed” (Ay’naku) or the idea that “You should refrain from sex during a full moon” (Yari’Aku) and, finally, the idea that “You should sexual activity for about a day after an acupuncture session” (Patay’kang’bata’ku).
Yes, the Tao of Pooh does not discuss matters of such import. Mainly because Pooh does not appear to have any reproductive organs.
But the Tao of Dr. Philip Tan-Gatue, MD, Oriental doctor and Mazinger Z fan club president is a different story altogether. Although Dr. Tan-Gatue may be similar in shape to Pooh, the resemblance strictly ends there. Our good doctor continues to share with us the deepest, darkest secrets of the Taoist masters, which include pornographic noses, intimacy with sea creatures and the cup measurements of Aphrodite A (well, that last secret is Dr. Tan-Gatue’s alone).
BASIC GEOMETRY
Doctor Pooh: The first principle of Taoist sex secrets is compatibility. And we aren’t just talking about the emotional level. This is also physical. Size matters, you know.
RJ: Don’t remind me. I hate it when people call me a monster.
From an Oriental medicine standpoint, the tip of the penis corresponds to the heart organ. Meanwhile, the tip of the cervix corresponds to the tip of the cervix for the females.
I know many single, young men who take very good care of my heart. Some middle-aged men too. Heck, even some dirty old ones. No wonder they’re still alive.
I like to say that the two hearts have to ‘kiss’. So, if the man is too big, he isn’t kissing the girl, he’s shoving his mouth into her face. But if you’re too small, then it’s like you’re Mini-Me from Austin Powers trying to jump up and kiss a girl.
That’s a heartbreaker.
The ideal penis is mushroom-shaped and somewhere between five to seven inches long.
Let me double check the shape in the banyo. I’ll have to get back to you though on the length, the airconditioning in this restaurant is pretty cold.
According to Oriental medicine, the shape and length of a man’s thumb is often a good indicator of the size of his penis.
No wonder when my thumbmark fills up a whole page.
Facial characteristics also indicate penis length, such as a long nose and long fingers. But, I have to admit, my fingers are stubby. Take a look -
Doc, you’re such an exhibitionist naman.
If the tip of the nose is fat, then the penis is also fat. But you’ll have to ask my wife about that.
There are some things that are better off as secrets.
Now, let’s look at the ladies. You can also tell how deep a woman’s genitalia is by the shape of her face.
And I thought it was only the shape of men’s heads resembled their genitals.
So if your little friend is not so big, and you see a woman with a long face –and I mean this literally mahaba ang mukha – you might not be able to please her as much.
Ai, ai, really?
If the woman has Angelina Jolie-type lips, then her exterior genitalia will be wide and thick. If the woman has deep-set eyes, then her genitalia will be deep. So, if a woman has very deep-set eyes -
Then you better have really long fingers.
But if her eyelids are too thick, then the female genitalia is shallow.
Which is probably good for men who don’t know how to swim.
Meanwhile, a woman with bulging eyes will have very short genitalia. Also, I would think, she would have hyperthyroidism. But that’s another thing altogether.
You really have specialized in gynecology.
A woman with short genitalia is advised to avoid a man with a large member.
You would think that would be pretty obvious.
But a woman who is nearsighted will have deep genitalia.
(And suddenly, my three nearsighted, eyeglass-wearing female readers go into hiding)
So, guys, unless you built like a porn star, go for women with no glasses. At yun pala, naka contact lens yung babae. Ayun, patay. (Although she could be wearing contact lenses. Then you’re dead meat.)
Oo nga, death by drowning.
JINGLE MY BELLS
Now let’s talk about the diet. Will drinking preserved deer penis tea make my wife the happiest women in this plane of existence? Or will it just make me grow antlers?
Let me clarify several things about diet. In Oriental medicine, there is what you call the essence of your life or “jing”. A lot of the food that I recommend to strengthen sexual performance (or fertility) also strengthens the “jing”. You get this “jing” partly from your presence, and partly from the food you eat. “Chi”, on the other hand, is your energy while blood is the nourishing, material aspect of chi. If you have a “chi” deficiency, you can fix this with moxibustion (known locally as ventosa – RJ’s note) or with some herbs. If you have a blood deficiency, you can consume certain vegetables or meat that you can strengthen the blood. But if you have a “jing” deficiency, that’s harder to fix. It’s harder to build up “jing”, so the best thing to do is conserve it. So what is the number one thing to do to make sure that you can make love until you grow old?
Have a lifetime supply of Viagra?
By not using too much of your “jing”. If you watched the movie “Sex and Zen”, one character was oversexed to the point that he was prematurely debilitated like an old man.
Was this the character with that permanent grin etched onto his toothless face?
So first things first: Don’t overdo it. Some lucky people can have sex once, twice a day and they don’t feel any ill effects. But the moment your hair starts thinning, you have lower backaches and hear a buzzing in your ear? That probably means you’re ejaculating too much.
I’m sorry, can you say that again? Damn bees in the ear.
When a patient comes to me with thinning hair, I think a) he is a doctor, because he is not sleeping at all; b) he is a call center agent, because he is not sleeping at the right time or c) he is ejaculating too much.
I’m surprised you don’t get many bald sixteen-year-old boys.
This is more of a danger for men than for women.
I never realized how dangerous thinning hair could be.
This is because, when women achieve climax, they don’t lose anything material. That is why God made it that they can achieve climax multiple times. But men are just designed to have one. Why?
Because God has a strange sense of humor?
When the man releases his “genetic material”, his body has to remake it. And it strains in remaking it. Every time the body manufactures more “genetic material”, you lose some of your “jing”. If you lose too much “jing”, you can’t perform anymore.
Not even an encore.
This is the danger of the people taking too much “yang” herbs like ginseng. The “yang” emphasizes movement, so the “yang” makes it stand up more easily. Because it is fire, it increases your sexual desire. In the short-term, it may be a sexual tonic. But in the long-term, it can consume your essence.
Like the Little Prince said, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Unless you accidentally get some of that essence in your eye.
I would rather that you boost your essence because it is more long-term. So I recommend sea cucumbers for that.
I don’t know, doc. I’ve never been intimate with a sea cucumber before. Especially after I became vegetarian.
Just eat a lot of seeds and fruits. Why? Because those are the reproductive parts of plants.
I’m not sure now if my wife will ever let me eat pakwan seeds again.
The key is to conserve. The way to think about it is like this: You buy the new S series Mercedes-Benz but you don’t use it every day. You save it for special occasions. You maintain it and you prolong its life. The same principle follows with your body.
So how often should you take your car for a drive around the block? Once every full moon? Once every year? Once every presidential election?
It varies from person to person. Some lucky bas%^&*# can d o it all day. But, in general, Chinese doctors have this guideline from a medieval Chinese text called “Writings of a Simple Girl”. Very deceptive title, isn’t it?
Definitely not a bedtime story.
The text lists some of these secrets I am sharing with you. It also recommends how often a man should ejaculate.
On second thought, this is probably is a bedtime story.
Note that –sex in itself – you can’t have too much of it. But you can ejaculate too much.
I think No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) are familiar with this concept.
The point is conserving essence. As a general rule, in your twenties you can have four to five a week. In your thirties, you should be down to two or three a week. And by the time you are in your forties or fifties, you should be down to once or twice a week because you don’t want to consume your reserves.
So what explains the existence of dirty old men (DOMs)?
Lucky bas&^*$s,
IF POOH HAD PRIVATES
There are other random Taoist secrets that I learned from the god doctor which I think is best left to the imagination of my three female readers such as the efficacy of sea cucumbers, the application of Taoist principles to the adult film industry and the nine stages of female orgasm (I didn’t know that you were supposed to keep count). Nonetheless, here are important exercises for men who would like their “jing” levels to rival that of Casanova, Wilt Chamberlain and Dolphy.
1. A man is encouraged to climax without ejaculation to conserve “jing” by pressing an acupuncture point that is halfway between your friends, the sphincter and the scrotum. According to Dr. Tan-Gatue, this acupuncture point is also good for curing headaches. However, curing a patient’s headaches by sticking a needle between his sphincter and his scrotum is not very popular remedy. Unless you are performing this remedy in a jail that does not allow for conjugal visits.
2. If you are trying to get a woman to become sexually attracted to you (whether she likes to or not), the doctor says you should focus your “chi” on that point between the sphincter and the scrotum. You can do this by contracting your sphincter muscle and trying to retract your scrotum while concentrating on the woman, so she can feel you radiate sexual energy. You can practice this type of muscle control at home by using your sphincter to pick up household objects. This is also a very useful skill to have while you are in a jail that does not allow for conjugal visits.
3. If you want to have better quality sperm, then you need to exercise your family jewels regularly. Fortunately, this will not require a treadmill, a dumbbell or an aerobics instructor. All this requires are five fingers (preferably from one hand), a bed (preferably comfortable) and a locked door (preferable, but optional as long as you can explain yourself). Now as you lie down in bed, pay tribute to the late king of pop by cupping your crotch and use your fingers to roll around your testicles on the inside of the your scrotum (not that you can roll them on the outside of your scrotum). Please do not roll around your testicles too rapidly as it will warm up the scrotum too much. You are not there to start a fire. Do this exercise for fifteen minutes ever morning and the good doctor claims that it will not only increase your sperm count and improve you finger dexterity, but it will also help you control ejaculation and give your testicles the density of steel. And steel testicles are a great weapon to have if you are in a jail that does not allow for conjugal visits.