He is a journalist, an award-winning creative writer, a playwright, a lyricist, a painter, a fiber artist, and an illustrator.  And he is also a practicing magician.    

But this is not the same kind of magic as David Blaine.  Or Barrack Obama.  Or even Jocjoc Bolante.  Tony Perez is the real wand-twirling deal.  He can turn your cellphone into a wand, he can even turn your Batman action figure into a power toy, and he can turn your bodily fluids into a charm (Uhm, let him tell you more about it later).  Tony knows magic best, because he’s been playing with his wand since he was thirteen years old.

As the current adviser of the Spirit Questors, Tony Perez and his Scooby gang have heard things, has seen things and have done things that is enough to shock your public hair straight.  And because my hair is curly enough as it is, I chose to interview with regard to his to love spells. (Because if he told me that kapres, manananggals and tikbalangs were for real, I will never be able to sleep with lights off again).  

Tony is the SM of love spells – from hook up to courtship to relationship to break up – he’s got it all for you.   But, more importantly, Tony also answers the P728 Million peso question: How do you know if you are really in love, or if you’ve been the victim of kulam?   The only way to find out, my three female readers, is in the way you smell.  Confused? Then read at your own risk.

A vocabulary lesson

Sir Tony, when you hear the word kulam, there is usually a negative association attached to it. My yaya warned me never to try making kulam because something might fly away or fall off.

It’s because of the word kulam.  There is no such word (close to it) in Tagalog except magica, which is of course Spanish. Kulam has become associated with voodoo, which is not the way that I use it.   

So is kulam a negative thing, a positive thing, a neutral thing, a monochromatic thing? 

Is prayer positive or negative?  It can be both, right?  One can pray for vengeance, in which case the prayer becomes negative.

When someone sends out a negative kulam, does this mean the person is tip-toeing towards the dark side of the force?  And when you do send out a negative kulam, does the cosmos say ‘Ay naku, I have to set the balance straight.  Something negative will also happen to you.’

They say that the negative kulam comes back to you three-fold.  But for me, that is a generalization.  I think that everybody has a credit card for negativity. And every credit card has a ceiling where you can spend what you wish until you hit the ceiling.

Let’s not even get started on credit cards. I’m using one card to pay off another.

If I have to cast a negative spell, I make sure that I pay good karma first.  And it can be done through charitable works or compassionate acts.

I’m curious, what are these negative kulams that you could send out?

Like when somebody has done me an injustice. Or when a murder victim needs its murderer captured and we have to give clues to the NBI or to the police.  Or when we encounter very negative tricksters like the tikbalang who no longer negotiate for co-existence of harmony. We have no choice but to either bind it or entrap it in a piece of jewelry.   

I don’t think I’m ever going to a sanglaan (pawnshop) again.

Spelling machine

By employing your love spells, does that mean you can make ANYBODY fall in love with you? Man or woman?  Attached or unattached? Housebroken or not housebroken? 

Yes, of course.  My definition of magic is to effect a change in the environment by means of the will.  Therefore, the act of making someone fall in love with you is an act of magic in itself. 

If that is the case, can you make lamon (gorge) in the buffet of love?  Can you cast several spells over several women at the same time?

The answer is yes, but I would describe you as a very irresponsible and immoral person. It’s not my fault that you used my spell. It’s your fault.

Uhm, sir, can you excuse me for a moment?  I have to warn Gary Lising.  Now how do you when love spells should be employed to ensnare a woman’s heart? When she no longer replies to your texts?  When bribing her yaya no longer works? When she has impaled you on a stake and left you for dead?

It’s intuitive. If someone has a crush on a person and cannot catch that person’s attention through ordinary means, then magic can be involved.  But having said that, the person who casts the spell must continue with that burden of responsibility. You don’t cast a spell and leave it at that. You must work hard to keep the relationship going.

Sigh.  That’s what I tell my wife all the time.

Love in the time of nausea

Most of the love spells you’ve concocted involve the color red. Is that because true love is a fashionista?  

That’s because of the heart chakra (Sanskrit for “disc”, chakras are energy centers for the human body -RJ) which is color green on the outside, but when it is unfolded it is color pink inside.  The color pink is associated with love, and affection and nurturing. That is why most of the colors used are of that nature. 

I always use my pink parts to express affection. A lot of your love spells required dolls and stuffed toys and action figures. When I gathered all the toys, I didn’t know whether to cast a spell or to abuse Barney the Dinosaur.    

You can even make a doll out of clay.  You gouge a hole in the stomach or heart area of your clay doll, and then put inside something of yourself – such as saliva or semen or blood.

A lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) are going to enjoy making clay statues.   

Then cover up the hole again.  That doll is what you call an elementary.  An elementary can be used like a servant that can travel astrally to perform duties.  For example, you can tell an elementary please go to your friend whom you are supposed to meet and tell him you’re going to be late for one hour.    

My friends will never come on time.  Ever again.  So when you send out a love spell, is it similar to sending out a text message?  Let’s say you send out a love spell but the recipient is in an area with a bad signal. What happens to that spell? Does it end up in some occult backlog or does it get re-routed to a diwatang kalachuchi (frangifani flower fairies) who would like to turn you into a fairy in more ways than one?

It depends on the state of the person that you are sending the spell to.  The person must be in a state of alpha, as you are in a state of alpha while casting a spell.  That is why it is more effective to cast a spell at night when the person is at rest and when the person’s defense mechanisms are down.

No wonder many dirty old men (DOMs) do their best work at night.    

You must go into a meditative state.  But the state of relaxation is not really equivalent to the state of alpha.  It’s an altered state where you often have to get into a highly emotional state. It is the emotion that fuels both prayer and magic.

I have a lot of single male friends who get into a highly emotional state late at night when they are all by their lonesome.  But I don’t think it would qualify as meditation.  

Punch drunk love

How exactly does a kulam affect the target of the love spell?  Does it make them irrational?  Does it erase their will to live? Does it make them want to defend the administration?

No. It makes you, the spellcaster, become a more loving person. (When you conduct a spell) this is the image of yourself that you communicate to the person and that is what the person will pick up.  There is no such thing as consoling or manipulating someone else.

But how do you know if you are really in love with that person or you were the subject of a kulam?  I noticed kasi that yaya has a doll in her room that strangely resembles me. 

Well, you can’t. Because a kulam simply jumpstarts something.  What counts, in the final analysis, is how sincere the relationship has become: how it is developing, what direction it is taking and what is the quality of the relationship.  In which case, the magical spell no longer really counts.

Ah, I see. So you have to eventually graduate from kulam.  And then learn how to use gayuma. 

Love is a battlefield

What if, after you cast a love spell, you realize that the woman you have been pining for has an Adam’s apple? Can you make bawi (take back) the love spell?

Of course you can, all you have to do is let the spell go.  Remember that spells are performed over a period of time, so all you have to do is discontinue casting the spell. Then nothing will happen.

Thank God there are no disconnection charges.  Can you also cast a spell on that witch-tramp who squooshed your heart in high school and left you for your best friend? Sometimes kasi praying for vengeance just isn’t enough.  

There are negative spells which are called binding spells.   You can write the person’s name, put it in a bag of a certain color, then put it in a corner of your freezer. 

May she grow hair where it doesn’t belong. Is there a way naman to protect yourself from being the target of a love spell?   There are some matronas I met during my wayward bachelorhood whose intentions I am still wary of.  Can you hide under a blanket? Can you wear an agimat (magic charm)? Can you travel to the US, have your visa revoked, and languish in a federal prison for several years?

Yes, there are what you call warding acts. You can cast warding acts on objects or yourself. One warding act is to wear a pocket mirror in your shirt pocket, and make sure that the mirror is facing outwards. You can also visualize yourself covered by a white light.  Those acts negate any spell, positive or negative, that come to you. But if you do these acts, you ward off anything. You will find that you will have no friends, that people will ignore you, that people will stay away from you, and that sometimes prosperity won’t come to you.  Because you’ve warded yourself against everything. 

So that’s what it must feel like to be the President.  Are these warding acts the equivalent of turning off your psychic cellphone?

What I’m saying is that it’s good to remain vulnerable, no matter how hurt you become. One must be vulnerable all the time, even if you are rejected, laughed at, or frustrated. It’s alright to get hurt.   If you’ve been hurt a hundred times before, what is a hundred times more?

Stop, please stop. I’m having flashbacks of high school.   

You know, it’s much more exciting and fulfilling to remain vulnerable, and to remain willing to take risks. I think that is what life is all about.  It’s not about protecting one’s self, its about taking risks

I agree.  It’s always good to remain vulnerable. That’s why I always leave my pink parts exposed. Which brings me to the most important question in this interview: If you don’t know whether or not you are with your partner right now because of a love spell, is there way for you to tell.  And, consequently, is there a way for you to get out of it?

 Yes, it’s called tawas (alum).

I see. Anti-perspirant is really the ultimate protection. Your armpits will never lie.  

You can get in touch with Tony Perez at studioantenor@yahoo.com. 

His yaya made him do it.

As a chubby be-pimpled teenager slash 80s pop icon slash alpha-nerd, RJ Ledesma was the laughingstock of his peers because his Yaya Cora was with him wherever he went, be it to the disco or to a soiree or the banyo.

RJ with his Yaya Cora

After several years and extensive psychological counseling, the tables are now turned and RJ struck back at his detractors.  Newspaper columnist and magazine editor (but now a fading 80s pop icon) has written a best-selling book (his mom bought a lot of copies) from Anvil Publishing entitled “Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me, RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide To Whine and Women” about his ruminations on dating and mating in the 21^st century, which collects his columns from Manila Times (“Playing With My Tools”) and the Philippine Star (“Pogi From A Parallel Universe”).   

RJ takes his brand of irreverence to new lows with a book signing at Fully Booked, Bonifacio High Street, Bonifacio Global City, Taguig on November 22 (Saturday) at 5pm.  “Your yayas are welcome to come.” RJ added.

As a special treat, RJ will not only be reading excerpts from “Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me” but also from his next book “I Do or I Die: RJ Ledesma’s Explosive Guide to Getting Married and other Man-Made Disasters (As told to him by his Yaya)”.  He will also be delivering a short lecture on humor writing.  As of press time, it was not confirmed if his yaya would be making an appearance.

Rj with spiritual adviser Gary Lising

Come to the book signing slash indoctrination and find out why everybody’s jumping into the yaya bandwagon!  Just check out these reviews:

“The book chronicles the author’s travails in the savage lands of the female species; one presided over by a girlfriend who won’t think twice about pummeling his man-parts with a gavel, a mother who’s amusingly overbearing, and, of course, a yaya who acts as the cackling entity looming over his manhood and the bastion of his subservience to the fairer sex…All the campy imagination makes for a riotous read…RJ writing of the 21^st century Pinoy man’s concerns, from the hazards of dating and the task of appeasing girlfriends we don’t seem to deserve, no matter how smart, funny, and rightfully geeky a  man is…RJ channels Steve Martin, Dolphy, and pre-duplex Ben Stiller…with RJ as our crash test dummy, we can stand at the sidelines rubbing our bellies and laughing nervously at how much of an absolutely clueless and lesser sex we are.” – Paolo Lorenzana of Philippine Star’s Supreme. 

“In Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me, RJ’s strength lies more on hyperbole than irony.  There’s nothing to read between the lines and all the scenes are meant to be imaginatively relished and in some instances, cringed upon.  It’s evident that the author dips his foot into fiction but not only for effect: he finagles truths about the human condition – chiefly, the eternal interplay between a man and a woman – by enlarging and sculpting situations to suit his end…It’s commentary that doesn’t leave a bad taste on the mouth but interests just the same because it is so left-field, so dripping with humor.” – Carlomar Arcangel Daoanna of Daily Tribune.

“One might be fooled into thinking that the anecdotes and annotations are purely anchored on his yaya’s wisdom and female intuition…Whether it’s a sacred subject or not, RJ boldly explores the female figure in such a way that female readers are sure to get self-conscious, if not embarrassed, after putting down the book…Women, too, should pay heed to the author’s informational, albeit amusing, insights which our moms forgot to teach us in our formative years.” -  Candy Veneracion of Manila Bulletin. 

“The observations on pick-up lines, dating, courtship, and certain life-changing events, such as dealing with the parents of your girlfriend, are razor-sharp, laugh-out-loud (not just chuckle) funny, and most of the time, embarrassingly true.” – Gmeleen Faye B. Tomboc of ClickTheCity.com

“Rumor has it that a movie musicale based on the book (starring no les than the dashing Andrew E as Ledesma) is set to be released shortly before the campaign season of the next elections, where Ledesma is said to run for President under a platform of free government-subsidized soft drinks, a ban on all meat products and calls for an orange revolution…Kidding aside, the book delivers oodles on the science of romance such as the biochemistry of pheromones and oxytocins. It also delivers realistic situationers about romance and relationship for 21^st century Pinoys – like Catholic guilt about premarital sex and skulking about drive-in motels just the same.” – Rome Jorge of Manila Times.

“It made me cry.” – RJ Ledesma.

Shock jock Mo Twister, stand up comic Tim Tayag, Dirty Old Man Gary Lising, Dirty Young Adult RJ, tv host Sam Oh, and 80s icon and Tiger head Jojo Alejar

And, what perhaps is the most important lesson RJ has learned from his yaya?  According to Carlomar Daoanna. “He spirals into Dante Alighieri hell by knowing the fury connected with PMS and ovulation.  I have never read anything that is as reverential when it comes to woman’s body rhythms.”

His yaya has trained him well.

Please come to Fully Booked and buy a book, RJ needs to pay for his credit card bills.  

For more information on the launch, you can call Fully Booked Bonifacio High Street at (632) 858-7000/858-7036/858-7037/858-7038.

Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me is now available at Fully Booked, National Bookstore and Power Books.