After all, how many men out there boast of the length of their royal scepter but not the size of their family jewels? Think about all those pataasan ng ihi (pissing points) conversations that you have had with your barkada over scepter length. Inject happy hour and twenty-five peso beers. Chaos ensues.

“Pare, I have a penis that can’t be measured by a standard ruler.”
“Wala ‘yan sa penis ko pare. (That’s nothing compared to my penis, man) I have a penis that makes king pythons envious.”
“Penis penis ka diyan (Penis, penis over there)! Wala yan sa penis ko! My penis can be seen via satellite. Pay-per-view pa.”
“Haaa!!! Walang sinabi yung mga penis ninyo sa testicles ko! (Your penises have nothing to say about my testicles) I have testicles the size of coconuts.”
The ululations of Arnel Pineda singing Open Arms fills the room.
“Uhmmm, You should have tthem checked. Really.”

Now, let’s talk about the size of our swingers. One would think that the size of their baubles might disrupt the smoothness of their swagger. Like they say, the bigger they are, the harder to walk. But it’s about time that we take pride in our scrotums, especially the ones that can be measured by latitude and longitude. We must give our balls the importance due their stature. Why, even the etymology of the word has its own distinguished origins. At first, I even thought that ‘Testicles’ was the name of a classical Greek philosopher.

(Cut to fourth century B.C. Happy hour at the Philosophy bar:
Testicles: True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves and the world around us.
Sophocles: Hey, Testicles! Did you know you look like my balls?
Testicles: Damn you Sophocles! Always interrupting me during my monologues! (Stomps out in disgust)
Sophocles: Wow, that sounded pretty deep. I think I’ll copyright that.)

But according to The Encyclopedia of Sexual Trivia (yes, a real book), the word ‘testicle’ has roots in the Latin word for ‘witness’. In ancient Rome, only witnesses with both testicles firmly in place were allowed to give evidence in court. Apparently, this is the reason why many witnesses fail to appear during Senate investigations. Especially since the good female senator from the Visayas might be doing the background check on the witnesses (“Why are you showing us deeesseeee maaahhrrboooolllss!? This is an ooooohhhfense to the Senate!!).

It is best that we start off with proper calibration. Although there is a wide variation in the size of a man’s love danglers, their average size is two inches long, an inch across and one-and-a-quarter inch in width. But please do not take out the measuring tape right now to verify if you are average. I cannot afford to have you arrested before you get to finish reading this column.

But a more arresting fact about our jingle balls is that, according to fertility specialist Dr. Robert Winston, the size of testicles can tell us a lot about a species’ sexual practices. (Sexual fortune-teller: Porcupine, I can tell from your testicles that you are into sadomasochism. Snails, I can’t seem to find your testicles, but I can tell that you are into self-love. Oh, bull, how can I put this delicately? The only thing I can see from your testicles is that they should be deep-fried.)

In the seventies, British biologist Roger Short noticed something peculiar about ape anatomy. He found that chimpanzees had extremely large four-ounce testicles that produced prodigious amounts of sperm (Although I am trying not to imagine how he found out that chimps produce prodigious amounts of sperm). Mating among chimps is fairly unregulated and casual affair especially since they are not being monitored by the MTRCB. In fact, there seems to be no awareness as to the paternity of any of their offspring.

Chimps live in polygamous groups where several males may share a female. And when a female chimp ovulates, she does a lot of monkeying around: they copulate with up to fifty times a day with a dozen different males. But, according to The Anatomy of Love, the male chimps are quite tolerant of each other, even politely lining up for their turn.

(Monkey 1: After you.
Monkey 2: No, no. I insist. After you.
Monkey 1: Oh I couldn’t possibly -
Monkey 3: Can you just ^%$*ing decide who goes first! At least you’re not at the back of the line like I am!)

Since each male’s sperm is jockeying to fertilize the ovum, the more voluminous the spermatozoa one chimp produces over another, the better the chances that that chimp will become the father. So in this battle for the ovum, what was the best way for a chimp to win in sperm warfare? He had to stockpile enough sperm in his payload that would make the North Koreans shudder. So chimps evolved larger and larger payloads for their DNA juice. – in short, they got bigger, bolder and buko-sized testicles.

What have we learned so far about the chimpanzee’s mating habits so far? We have learned that somebody ought to teach these chimps some religion.

On the other hand, you have silverback gorillas. Silverback gorillas, the largest of the living primates, sport large canine teeth and have a fierce growl that is enough to make human testicles retract to the pit of their stomachs. However, despite their large size and aggressive behavior, silverbacks have miniscule testicles. More miniscule than even those of some congressmen.

Unlike chimpanzees, silverback alpha males take possession of a harem of female gorillas. And silverbacks are secure in the knowledge that the female gorillas will rarely sneak off for an illicit romp in the wilds (Unless they encounter a very brave and randy male chimpanzee). Gorillas rarely have intercourse, because for males with a harem, sexual access is guaranteed. Therefore, Mr. “I Am King of the Apes” only needed a small amount of sperm and, consequently, a small payload. So, gorillas evolved testicles that were small but terrible.

Now, let us put things into perspective: Gorillas weigh four times as much as chimps, but chimps’ testicles weigh four times’ as much as a gorilla’s. What can we infer from this other than the fact than the fact that chimpanzees must be flashing their payloads and making belat (sticking out their tongue) any silverbacks they encounter in the wild? Well, the biologist Roger Short appears to have stumbled, not on testicles, bur rather on anatomical clues about a species’ mating system: The bigger the balls, the more polygamous the females.

And this type of testicular warfare is not confined to primates. If you think chimpanzee testicles are intimidating, let’s look at whale testicles. They have enormous bollocks, even allowing for their size. The cojones of a right whale weighs more than a ton and accounts for two percent of its body weight (Wow. It’s hard enough to fathom that there are testicles out there that you can’t even coddle, much less bench press, but imagine that there are testicles that won’t even fit in the backseat of your car).

Meanwhile, you’ve also got sperm whales, which also live in harems like gorillas. Similar to silverbacks, sperm whales (ironically enough) have smaller testicles than right whales (Although I doubt you’d be able to bench press a sperm whale’s testicles either). Last I heard, the silverbacks and the sperm whales are trying to put up their own support group.

Human testicles tread the middle ground when it comes to primate testicles. Measured as a proportion of body weight, our human teabags are four times the size of a gorilla’s but less than a third of the size of a chimpanzees’. If this is the case, then how did we do our swinging way back when?

According to The Red Queen Sex And The Evolution of Human Nature, ancestral man probably lived in a pseudo-harem system, but he was also prepared for occasional female promiscuity. Ancestral females copulated with more than one male in a month fairly often. Given this, human males evolved testicles that were potent enough to combat a moderate amount of sperm competition from other males, but they certainly didn’t need to stockpile enough artillery as required by the chimpanzee gonads. This also explains why, aside from chimpanzees, human males can also expose their payloads and make belat silverback gorillas in the wild.

But the more testicle-enlarging revelation about all this is that – even if human sperm bags are not as terrifying as those of the chimps, anthropologist Helen Fisher says that there is evidence that our testicles (gasp) are not operating at full capacity. Sperm production per gram of tissue is unusually low for man. In fact, Dr. Fisher even posits that our testicles might have been bigger in our ancestors, so much so that their size may have frightened off smaller primates, velociraptors and invading alien armadas.

So, what are the two things we have learned about our male low-hanging weapons before my wife confiscates my laptop? First, the bigger the competition for a female, the bigger the balls. Secondly, our friends from down under are underachievers.

Now, my three female readers, be on guard: Your male partners may misuse the information they have gleaned about the kapitbahay of their favorite playmate. Tomorrow, they may just wake up, proclaim their need to exercise their Neanderthal prerogative, stuff their underwear with socks and billiard balls and blurt out, “I’m off to compete and achieve my full potential!”

In the event that happens, you needn’t worry. I say let them compete. Let them compete in the testicle festival.

Wait, it’s not what you think.

In Clinton, Montana, the world’s largest testicle festival is celebrated every fall, attracting more than fifteen thousand scrotum-savoring fans to this five-day event. The festival prides itself on serving two and half tons of deep-fried bull’s testicles a.k.a. Rocky Mountain oysters (See, the sexual fortune teller was right after all). But aside from munching on bull nuts, the other highlights of the festival include the bull-sh^& throwing contest (literally), the hairy chest contest, and the ultimate in alpha male endeavors: the man versus bull wrestling competition.

In this contest that uses pure brute force and baby oil, a man who believes that he’s got larger cojones than your average two incher attempts to wrestle the beast to the ground. Once the bull has been grounded and pounded, the organizers of festival do the exact same thing to the bulls’ balls: they are grounded and pounded. After which, they are fricasseed and served with hot sauce to the hungry mountain oyster lovers. And it is this competition, my three female readers, that you should let your male partners join.

And do you know why?

Because, sometimes, the bull wins.

Seriously.

“Huwhaaatt!!” screamed the three female readers who read Manual Magazine.  “You men are aaaaanimals!!!”

‘Animals?’ the men smirk to themselves.  Animals indeed.

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of the book The Anatomy of Love, the dinner date is a terribly obvious courting signal that is part of the larger human mating ritual. If a man shells out money to pay for her Value Meal, the woman should instinctively know that the man would like to study her anatomy. In fact, there is no more widespread courtship ploy than to offer food in the hopes of gaining sexual favors in exchange (And the operative word here is hope).

Let’s call a spade a spade: This isn’t a dinner date.  This is courtship feeding.  

Courtship feeding has a very important and primal reproductive function.  By providing food to the opposite sex, it not only boasts of our abilities as hunters and providers, but it also indicates that we are possible sperm donors as well.    

But before you barge out of your office cubicle, hunt down a wild cow, slaughter it and then tenderize it into beef patty, remember this about the female of the species: there is a thin line between offering them food and becoming their food.  

Don’t take it from me, though.  Take it from the male wolf spider. When the male wolf spider enters the long dark lair of the female spider with a tasty fly morsel, he must do this slowly and methodically.  If the male wolf spider gets a tid bit overeager, then the female promptly devours him. And this is not meant in any metaphorical sense. 

And I always thought that any devouring of body parts should be mutually pleasurable activity.

Moving on to things of more inconsequence, I am reiteraing my invitation for all three of you who read this blog to come to my book signing event for “Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me, RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women” at Fully Booked, Bonifacio Hight Street on November 22, Saturday at 5 pm. Here are some of the critically-praised imaginary reviews for the book:

“I love it, I bought five hundred copies and gave it to all my friends!” – RJ’s mom. 

“It’s required reading! Especially for the editors of Manual Magazine!” – Alora Guerrero, PJ Cana, Mela de Luna, Suki Salvador and Monch Lopez.

“Go to confession after reading this.” – Pastoral statement by the CBCP.

“We will be calling an investigation.” – Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez.

“I am filing libel charges.” – RJ’s wife. 

“Saan yung commission ko?” – RJ’s yaya. 

Lies My Yaya Should Have Told to Me, RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women (Anvil Publishing) is a compilation of my former columns on dating and mating at The Manila Times and my current column at The Philippine Star.  Read it at your own risk.  Available at National Bookstore and Powerbooks nationwide.  Please buy a copy now and help me pay for my credit card bills. 

(Originally published in Manual Magazine June 2008)