But we weren’t alone. Sandwiched between our half-naked, well-sculpted and chest-hairy bodies was a relative of a retired military office known for his escapades into military adventurism. Or, at least, that was what she purported to be as she went by the name Kuhdet Hunasan (really).

However, this is a story Tim and I would rather not get into after signing the confidentiality disclosure agreements that were prerequisites to securing our marriage licenses. Suffice it to say, there are many things that we did on our critically-acclaimed (the MTRCB was very critical of us) cult hit (some of those cults are still hunting for us) Studio 23’s ‘The Men’s Room’ that have prevented us from participating in family reunions over the past several years.

We didn’t know any better at the time. We were both single, ignorant and did things for Art’s sake (Art promised us a seven picture movie deal and an underwear endorsement. Damn you, Art!). My, how things have changed. Now we are both now happily married (Not to each other though). But we still do get the occasional calls from Art for a nude painting session.

Tim and I often get asked (Ok, ok, we like to ask each other) how we managed to marry such drop-dead gorgeous wives without the benefit of pity, gayuma or neuro-linguistic programming.

Since you’ve eliminated all my other options, the only answer I can go with is a sense of humor.

And when it comes to a sense of humor, Tim is king of the comedy cult. During his heather bachelorhood days – Tim used to crack jokes at the comedy clubs that would make women n of all configurations, estrogen levels and extra organs laugh until they choked on their own spittle. And this was before he opened his mouth.

Today, Tim passes on his esoteric knowledge to the Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) reading this column on how to weaponize your sense of humor in attracting women. Fret not, my BTBP friends, you can finally give your assymetrical forearms a well-deserved respite.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

RJ: I understand that you gave up a lucrative career as a pole dancer and become a full-time stand-up comedian. Here’s five pesos, tell me a joke.
Tim: (With a turned up nose) The stand-up that I do is not really about telling jokes. They’re not like joke book jokes that start off with ‘Two guys walk into a bar..’ The stand up comedy I do is about telling you stories from my point of view, but it is a story that everybody can relate to. Basically, I think jokes are stories that everyone can relate to where you need to point out the absurdity of what you are saying.
Well, that was five of my hard earned pesos down the drain. So, were you already this good-looking (cough, cough) even before you developed a sense of humor?
To tell you the truth, I was an ugly kid. You know how people go up to your parents and say “Anak mo ba yan (Is that your child)? He is so cute!” When I was a kid, people would go up to my mom and say “Is this kid bothering you?”
Thank God then for advancements in reconstructive surgery.
But seriously, when I was young, I was dark, I was scrawny, I had big ears and I had genitals that were as large as those of a horse’s.
How small do they breed the horses where you come from?
I started discovering the power of humor around high school, which is about the same time that I lost my virginity.
I thought you would keep your homeroom teacher out of this conversation.
What i don’t know though is if I was good-looking first then the sense of humor came after or if the sense of humor made me more attractive.
I think your sense of humor has also given you is an overdeveloped cranium. When did you realize that you had the ability to make people laugh for a living? And not merely because of your appearance?
I was living in the States and working for consulting company when one day I just asked myself ‘what’s my purpose?’ I can’t sing and I don’t have any real talent. Well, aside from being endowed like a horse.
That goes without saying.
I couldn’t do a career in pornography because my parents wouldn’t approve. So I took stock of my other talents. And I noticed that wherever I would go and whomever I would talk to, I could find a commonality between us and I would find a joke in that.
Like a good laugh about your horse parts.
So I thought maybe THAT is my talent! I can relate to people and I can make people laugh! That’s when I decided to try stand up. The first time I performed on stage was back in 1996 in States. It was in a café with a huge audience of four people. Three of them were my friends and the fourth was another comedian waiting his turn. When I got on stage, I though I killed that night. But after reviewing the tape of my stand up routine ten years later, I realized that I was actually bombing.
I didn’t realize that there was a lot of violence in the stand up comedy profession. This elusive sense of humor you posses, is it an innate skill? Or is it practiced? Is it a demon that you need to sacrifice several hundred virgin cows to every full moon?
I knew this guy who started doing with stand up comedy with me who really, really sucked. And I’m not talking about you, RJ. He kept on doing the same jokes over and over again.
Like running jokes about yayas, Dirty Old Men (DOMs), No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and genitals? Yeah, they suck. Can’t those losers come up with new material?
At that point, I thought you were either born with a sense of humor or you just sucked. But after two years, this guy started getting gigs in the comedy clubs. So I think that there is a part of sense of humor that is innate and another part is skill. The more you tell jokes or you write jokes, the sharper you will get at it. Eventually, you will develop a sixth sense for knowing what’s going to work and what’s not going to work. And this sense gets better over time.
Or you can just stick to jokes about having a yaya at thirty-five. That always gets you a mercy laugh.

MAG-EXERCISE TAYO TUWING UMAGA

What type of exercises can one do to improve his sense of humor to make yourself more attractive to women without being subjected to bodily harm, psychological trauma or threat of lawsuit?
One of the best humor skills that will make you likeable, but not necessarily more attractive –
I’m sure you would be an expert at that.
While talking to a girl, look for that ‘inside joke’ during a conversation. Let’s say she talks about her day and she describes what she was doing while driving her car. While talking about driving her car, she casually makes a motion with her both of her hands as if she is holding on to her steering wheel. Now, remember that motion. Later on in the conversation, when she asks about your day, you can say ‘I was driving’ then repeat that motion of driving a car. She will recognize that you are mimicking her and now you have found a commonality.
So she will think, “Oh he’s so likeable because he is copying me. But he’s not attractive because he’s making fun of me. He’s such a likeable a#$^&*(!”
That’s right. Now you both share an ‘inside joke’ and an intimacy is created because of that ‘moment’. You’ve become more memorable to her and you’ve also you’ve also made her feel more comfortable around you. However, do not make fun or her to the point that you become condescending.
For the DOMs reading this column who are cognitively bereft of the concept of condescension, can you please explain how that works?
Like when you take the girl home at the end of the date. Then before she leaves your car, you wink at her, use your lips to point towards her apartment, then crack this joke “So, how much?”
Imaginary Gary Lising: I didn’t get that joke.
Also, don’t try to be too funny with her all the time. That can get to be pretty annoying.
Really, I don’t think that was possible (It’s possible – RJ’s three alienated female readers and, quite possibly, his desk editor Scott Garceau).
You can also be too offensive with your jokes if you’re not too close to the girl yet. For example, you might lace your conversation with too much sexual innuendo.
Really, like what? ‘Would you like to see the part of my body that led to a guest appearance on Pinoy Records?’
Like asking her “Hey, you wanna (bleep bleep bleep)?” That’s a bit too much (Laughs)
Imaginary Gary Lising: I still didn’t get that joke.
It’s kind of hard to say where to draw the line when you want to be funny with a girl. It’s different with each girl. But unless you are emotional brick wall, I think you can get a sense when the girl is still comfortable, so it’s up to your own judgment.
It’s either you use your judgment or she uses her taser.
Don’t be fooled either by women’s piss poor excuses of why they can’t go out with you. They’ll say anything like “I have a headache” or “I’m your cousin”. Don’t let that stop you.
Don’t let the prospect of having cross-eyed, club-toed offspring stop you from getting a date. Got it.
More importantly, a sense of humor helps you improve your ability to accept rejection.
No wonder so many NGSBs make for great comedians.
You can cope better with rejection if you don’t take things too seriously. Let’s take a previous example: You come up to a woman in a bar and ask her “How much?” If she slaps you, then you can say “I see, so you don’t want cash. How about dinner and a movie first?” But if she answers “Two thousand”, then you have a point of negotiation.
I see now why your facial skin has gained a leather-like consistency.
Another way to use humor is to defuse tension or to use it as an icebreaker. For example, when you run out of things before a date ends, you can say “Do you want to go with me to Victoria Court?” If the woman slaps you, then you say –
Because if I have a discount card?
“Hey wait a minute!? I wanted to take you to Victoria Court because they have good crispy pata!” So you turn it into a joke while at the same time engage in some witty repartee.
I didn’t know that Victoria Court served crispy pata.
And when the woman thinks that you don’t feel too bad that she turned you down, she might feel sorry for you. Then – wouldn’t you know it – you become a tad bit more attractive. You lose that smell of desperation because you are able to joke about the situation.
As opposed to the smells that you usually emit.
Since it’s no big deal that you won’t go out with her, you suddenly turn into “Mr. Mysterious”. She’s thinking “He’s ok with me turning him down?” Then she starts to think about her own self-worth, “Maybe he didn’t really like, why didn’t he get offended!? Maybe he didn’t really like me? Maybe he didn’t really want to take me to Victoria Court!? Now I’m offended!” And when she realizes this, the ball is now in your court.
And with that, an NGSB is one step closer to finding out if they really have good crispy pata in Victoria Court.

DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL

Was there any downside to developing a sense of humor?
Honestly? A lot more guys hated me. They all wanted to be me: the funny guy who gets his unfair share of women. It’s hard to be a funny, attractive guy. All your guy friends end up playing second fiddle to you. It always sucks to be a sidekick. I’m sure you can relate.
I think your sense of humor is starting to make me hate you as well. Finally – to make this five peso interview worth it – does a man’s sense of humor truly increase his sex appeal?
Yes it will. As long as you have money.
Thank you Tim, you are an inspiration for our lawmakers to craft better sexual harassment laws.

No, she does not have a grill of serrated teeth. Neither does her mouth does not spew corrosive acid. But when speech escapes her lips, her words can be more beguiling than a pre-election campaign ad. But, fortunately, Carelle only uses her power for good. Well, most of the time, at least.

She is a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, (www.emotivatingminds.com) an interpersonal communication technique that is used to alter behavior and has been used extensively by dating coaches, self-help gurus and noontime game show hosts worldwide.

In the second part of our interview, Carelle elucidates on how NLP has been re-programmed by seduction specialists for their own nefarious ends.  Thus, my three female readers, read this column and be forewarned” You never know when you encounter that saccharine sweet-talking operator applying NLP techniques on you in that dimly-lit bar (then you can finally bite down on that cyanide pill you’ve kept hidden in the recesses of your gums for situations just like these). And to all the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB), you finally have a chance to try out these NLP techniques while you are young, preferably virile, without a criminal record, and not yet lobotomized,

All that and an imaginary guest appearance by Gary Lising, too.

RADIOACTIVE

For the purposes of improving your ability to improve your dating life and spread your genetic material (hopefully in that order), you can actually harness the power of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) for good? For evil? For the 2010 elections?
For all of the above (Laughs. Diabolically).  The thing is, I always remind tell my clients “With great power comes great responsibility”.  It’s so very Spider-Man.
So learning about NLP is almost like gaining a super-power? I can’t wait to dress with my underwear on the outside of my clothes.
If you are not using NLP for the right purpose, you are using very powerful tools for dangerous reasons.
Ah, but for many a Dirty Old Man (DOM), that is the purpose-driven life.
There was a female client who once asked me, ‘Can I just do this for fun? I want to explore options’.
Options!? What do they mean!? Is this like ordering a value meal? I want boy number 2 with an order of fries!?
She wanted to have more partners. And I said ‘Yes you can, and I also said that I am scared for you.’
I have the phone numbers of some DOMs who can help her understand the meaning of fear.
A lot of DOMs actually come up and ask me how to make women fall in love with them.
I always thought that the gold medallions hanging from their necks served as hypnotic lures.
One woman I coached used NLP for inappropriate purposes.  She wanted to emulate the character of Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct because she wanted a guy to fall in love with her just for fun. As a result, she created a stalker.
Oh that’s not a stalker. That’s just Gary Lising. He stalks anything with genitals opposite to his own. So when you perform NLP on a woman, is it the equivalent of making someone do something against her will? Or it is heavy-handed persuasion?  You must give a lot of seminars to government officials.
NLP re-frames the way that you communicate with a woman so that what you are telling her is not really against her will. For example, a woman doesn’t want to go out with you.
For purely aesthetic and legal reasons.
Try to find the values that she has and wants in a man, and then provide her a unique selling proposition that makes you sound like that you are exactly that man who is in synch with her values.
A unique selling proposition? Like buy one take one? 20% off? Going out of business?
If you can change the way she thinks about you, then she will go out with you. It is manipulation in the sense that you de-construct the way that women believe things so that you get them to do the things that you want to them to do.
Thanks, I was just checking on the behalf of men who wanted the legality of using NLP on women in dimly-lit bars.
Of course, you can always use NLP to pick up women. But as an NLP practitioner, I always advise them that if you are going to exert this much effort on a woman, you might as well use it on someone who is worth it.
You manipulate the one whom you want to truly love you. Got it.

SENSATIONAL

I understand there are three sensory wavelengths that you can use NLP on to influence a woman’s behavior: the visual, the auditory and the kinesthetic. And if you attempt try to influence any of the remaining senses, then you can be subject to arrest.  Now, how do you find out if the girl that you are making ligaw (court) is more susceptible to which sense? Should an NGSB bring a psychiatrist with him on a first date?
It depends on how a woman receives information.  If she is a visually-oriented, she prefers how a man looks, how he is dressed, how he fixes his hair.
Or, ehem, lack thereof.
How can you tell if a woman is visual? She takes care of how she looks, she stands erect, she looks up all the time because she is accessing the part of her brain that is visually-oriented, and she speaks fast. Why? Because she see things in pictures and she wants to paint that picture in a thousand words. They also like to use visual words like “I see”, “I can imagine” or “Oh let me look at that”.
Gary Lising: Oh sure, you can take a peek.  Let me just unzip.
RJ: Tito Gary, please go back the manhole from which you emerged.  We are trying to keep the interview printable. How do you make yourself more attractive to women who are visual aside from costly reconstructive surgery or prosthetics?
You mirror their words. You say “you look nice” or “let me paint you a picture”.
Gary Lising: So auditory women like it if I say “You sound nice, do you want to get harmonious with my musical instruments?”
RJ: Guards, freely use your batutas (nightstick) on that man’s musical instruments. An auditory-oriented woman takes care of how she sounds. These are women who process information better with what they hear.  Unlike the visually-oriented women, auditory women look to the side of down left, they love to talk, they get distracted by irritating sounds, and they are eavesdroppers.
And they have probably have long storied careers in tsimis (gossip) shows.
When they talk they use words like “sounds good” or “sounds right”. These women don’t care too much for good looking men. But, rather, they care for men who can talk to them.
Joe D’Mango must be such a playboy then. Not to say that he is not good looking.
(Laughs) True, true!  They find the tonality of a man’s voice sexy because, for them, it tells a lot about his character.
And if the woman is kinesthetically-oriented, does this mean that me like Gary Lising might not be charged for sexual harassment?
Kinesthetic-oriented women are feelers. They look down right, they speak slow and they are not too expressive with words.  Instead, they like to express themselves with their bodies For example, if you ask Ruffa Mae Quinto about her love life, she will just say  in a sing-songy fashion ‘you know’ and then she will move her body around to express herself.
I don’t think the words that her body uses to express herself can be printed in this column.
If you want to condition a woman to think that you are more lovable, you need to be multi-sensory and high impact.  The more of her senses you engage during a date, the more she will fall in love with you. For example, you need to tell her that she looks good, that she smells good and that are you are eating great food.
I had to choke Gary Lising with his own tongue. He was about to say something related to the gustatory sensation.
By the same token, you also need to look very good, smell very good, and you need to make her laugh the whole night. If you pushed the right buttons, then you will have a high impact on her. She will be absolutely in love with you.
But if those buttons are not yet ready to be pressed, the high impact you might feel is that of her fifty-pound handbag crashing into your groin.

ALA KAZAM

(Disclaimer: To all the men who will read the column beyond this point, please make sure to sign waiver forms, organ donor cards and next of kin documents as you apply these techniques without the benefit of medical insurance.)
What are some of the dark arts, este, NLP techniques that pick up artists have used to seduce women?  Does it involve any magic words?  I know that Shazam didn’t work with my wife.
Some pick up artists use “embedded commands” or “suggestions”.  How does it work?  You touch the woman while you are saying a command.  For example, while you are making conversation with your date about her ‘ideal guy’, you can embed a command by saying ‘ideal guy’ while pointing to yourself.  Meanwhile, while you use phrases like “That tastes great” or “That’s an ideal place” or “You look sexy in that dress”, you touch that person while saying the embedded command. Make the woman anchor on to words like “ideal”, “great” and “sexy”. Finally, when you say “you and me”, touch her again so that she anchors all these words together – “ideal”, “great”, “sexy” and “you and me”.
Let’s hope your date doesn’t figure out what you are doing unless you want your ship to sink with those anchors.
You can also use ‘weasel phrases’. This is when you make a woman imagine or process a scenario in her head by issuing an unobtrusive command.  For example, you say “What if we see a movie?” “What if we go the mall?” What if we go out?” “What if we go out on a Saturday night?” And the person will start to think: what if I am free on a Saturday night?  Then this is followed up by another technique called a presupposition, “Would you rather go out with me now or next week?” That gives them a choice of tomorrow or next week. But you aren’t giving them an option to say no.
Something like: What if you buy “I Do or I Die: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Getting Married and Other Man-made Disasters” now available at National Bookstores and Powerbooks today or tomorrow? I see. Very unobtrusive.  Now, do these NLP techniques work on everyone? On the strong willed? On the weak willed?  On Willie Revillame?
If you are making ligaw, this involves a series of interactions that makes it easier to perform NLP.  Except, of course, if the person is totally appalled by you. This is the reason why you can only attract a woman who is two points higher or lower that you in terms of attractiveness. Studies show that you will find the most attractive person in the room as someone who is closer to you in terms of attractiveness. Why? Because if she is too beautiful for you, you might be crushing on the girl, but that doesn’t mean you want him to be your girlfriend.
If that is the case, I must resemble Piolo Pascual.
But if you are too physically appalling to that woman, you need to make more of an effort to make her fall in love with you.  Perhaps you need a unique selling proposition, like being very, very rich (Laughs). But if you don’t have that unique proposition, then you are far off in terms of attractive points from her. Unless you have a really, really great sense of humor.  But, without that, you really have a very slim chance to make that person fall in love with you.
I must resemble Piolo Pascual with a really, really great sense of humor.

He is a journalist, an award-winning creative writer, a playwright, a lyricist, a painter, a fiber artist, and an illustrator.  And he is also a practicing magician.    

But this is not the same kind of magic as David Blaine.  Or Barrack Obama.  Or even Jocjoc Bolante.  Tony Perez is the real wand-twirling deal.  He can turn your cellphone into a wand, he can even turn your Batman action figure into a power toy, and he can turn your bodily fluids into a charm (Uhm, let him tell you more about it later).  Tony knows magic best, because he’s been playing with his wand since he was thirteen years old.

As the current adviser of the Spirit Questors, Tony Perez and his Scooby gang have heard things, has seen things and have done things that is enough to shock your public hair straight.  And because my hair is curly enough as it is, I chose to interview with regard to his to love spells. (Because if he told me that kapres, manananggals and tikbalangs were for real, I will never be able to sleep with lights off again).  

Tony is the SM of love spells – from hook up to courtship to relationship to break up – he’s got it all for you.   But, more importantly, Tony also answers the P728 Million peso question: How do you know if you are really in love, or if you’ve been the victim of kulam?   The only way to find out, my three female readers, is in the way you smell.  Confused? Then read at your own risk.

A vocabulary lesson

Sir Tony, when you hear the word kulam, there is usually a negative association attached to it. My yaya warned me never to try making kulam because something might fly away or fall off.

It’s because of the word kulam.  There is no such word (close to it) in Tagalog except magica, which is of course Spanish. Kulam has become associated with voodoo, which is not the way that I use it.   

So is kulam a negative thing, a positive thing, a neutral thing, a monochromatic thing? 

Is prayer positive or negative?  It can be both, right?  One can pray for vengeance, in which case the prayer becomes negative.

When someone sends out a negative kulam, does this mean the person is tip-toeing towards the dark side of the force?  And when you do send out a negative kulam, does the cosmos say ‘Ay naku, I have to set the balance straight.  Something negative will also happen to you.’

They say that the negative kulam comes back to you three-fold.  But for me, that is a generalization.  I think that everybody has a credit card for negativity. And every credit card has a ceiling where you can spend what you wish until you hit the ceiling.

Let’s not even get started on credit cards. I’m using one card to pay off another.

If I have to cast a negative spell, I make sure that I pay good karma first.  And it can be done through charitable works or compassionate acts.

I’m curious, what are these negative kulams that you could send out?

Like when somebody has done me an injustice. Or when a murder victim needs its murderer captured and we have to give clues to the NBI or to the police.  Or when we encounter very negative tricksters like the tikbalang who no longer negotiate for co-existence of harmony. We have no choice but to either bind it or entrap it in a piece of jewelry.   

I don’t think I’m ever going to a sanglaan (pawnshop) again.

Spelling machine

By employing your love spells, does that mean you can make ANYBODY fall in love with you? Man or woman?  Attached or unattached? Housebroken or not housebroken? 

Yes, of course.  My definition of magic is to effect a change in the environment by means of the will.  Therefore, the act of making someone fall in love with you is an act of magic in itself. 

If that is the case, can you make lamon (gorge) in the buffet of love?  Can you cast several spells over several women at the same time?

The answer is yes, but I would describe you as a very irresponsible and immoral person. It’s not my fault that you used my spell. It’s your fault.

Uhm, sir, can you excuse me for a moment?  I have to warn Gary Lising.  Now how do you when love spells should be employed to ensnare a woman’s heart? When she no longer replies to your texts?  When bribing her yaya no longer works? When she has impaled you on a stake and left you for dead?

It’s intuitive. If someone has a crush on a person and cannot catch that person’s attention through ordinary means, then magic can be involved.  But having said that, the person who casts the spell must continue with that burden of responsibility. You don’t cast a spell and leave it at that. You must work hard to keep the relationship going.

Sigh.  That’s what I tell my wife all the time.

Love in the time of nausea

Most of the love spells you’ve concocted involve the color red. Is that because true love is a fashionista?  

That’s because of the heart chakra (Sanskrit for “disc”, chakras are energy centers for the human body -RJ) which is color green on the outside, but when it is unfolded it is color pink inside.  The color pink is associated with love, and affection and nurturing. That is why most of the colors used are of that nature. 

I always use my pink parts to express affection. A lot of your love spells required dolls and stuffed toys and action figures. When I gathered all the toys, I didn’t know whether to cast a spell or to abuse Barney the Dinosaur.    

You can even make a doll out of clay.  You gouge a hole in the stomach or heart area of your clay doll, and then put inside something of yourself – such as saliva or semen or blood.

A lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) are going to enjoy making clay statues.   

Then cover up the hole again.  That doll is what you call an elementary.  An elementary can be used like a servant that can travel astrally to perform duties.  For example, you can tell an elementary please go to your friend whom you are supposed to meet and tell him you’re going to be late for one hour.    

My friends will never come on time.  Ever again.  So when you send out a love spell, is it similar to sending out a text message?  Let’s say you send out a love spell but the recipient is in an area with a bad signal. What happens to that spell? Does it end up in some occult backlog or does it get re-routed to a diwatang kalachuchi (frangifani flower fairies) who would like to turn you into a fairy in more ways than one?

It depends on the state of the person that you are sending the spell to.  The person must be in a state of alpha, as you are in a state of alpha while casting a spell.  That is why it is more effective to cast a spell at night when the person is at rest and when the person’s defense mechanisms are down.

No wonder many dirty old men (DOMs) do their best work at night.    

You must go into a meditative state.  But the state of relaxation is not really equivalent to the state of alpha.  It’s an altered state where you often have to get into a highly emotional state. It is the emotion that fuels both prayer and magic.

I have a lot of single male friends who get into a highly emotional state late at night when they are all by their lonesome.  But I don’t think it would qualify as meditation.  

Punch drunk love

How exactly does a kulam affect the target of the love spell?  Does it make them irrational?  Does it erase their will to live? Does it make them want to defend the administration?

No. It makes you, the spellcaster, become a more loving person. (When you conduct a spell) this is the image of yourself that you communicate to the person and that is what the person will pick up.  There is no such thing as consoling or manipulating someone else.

But how do you know if you are really in love with that person or you were the subject of a kulam?  I noticed kasi that yaya has a doll in her room that strangely resembles me. 

Well, you can’t. Because a kulam simply jumpstarts something.  What counts, in the final analysis, is how sincere the relationship has become: how it is developing, what direction it is taking and what is the quality of the relationship.  In which case, the magical spell no longer really counts.

Ah, I see. So you have to eventually graduate from kulam.  And then learn how to use gayuma. 

Love is a battlefield

What if, after you cast a love spell, you realize that the woman you have been pining for has an Adam’s apple? Can you make bawi (take back) the love spell?

Of course you can, all you have to do is let the spell go.  Remember that spells are performed over a period of time, so all you have to do is discontinue casting the spell. Then nothing will happen.

Thank God there are no disconnection charges.  Can you also cast a spell on that witch-tramp who squooshed your heart in high school and left you for your best friend? Sometimes kasi praying for vengeance just isn’t enough.  

There are negative spells which are called binding spells.   You can write the person’s name, put it in a bag of a certain color, then put it in a corner of your freezer. 

May she grow hair where it doesn’t belong. Is there a way naman to protect yourself from being the target of a love spell?   There are some matronas I met during my wayward bachelorhood whose intentions I am still wary of.  Can you hide under a blanket? Can you wear an agimat (magic charm)? Can you travel to the US, have your visa revoked, and languish in a federal prison for several years?

Yes, there are what you call warding acts. You can cast warding acts on objects or yourself. One warding act is to wear a pocket mirror in your shirt pocket, and make sure that the mirror is facing outwards. You can also visualize yourself covered by a white light.  Those acts negate any spell, positive or negative, that come to you. But if you do these acts, you ward off anything. You will find that you will have no friends, that people will ignore you, that people will stay away from you, and that sometimes prosperity won’t come to you.  Because you’ve warded yourself against everything. 

So that’s what it must feel like to be the President.  Are these warding acts the equivalent of turning off your psychic cellphone?

What I’m saying is that it’s good to remain vulnerable, no matter how hurt you become. One must be vulnerable all the time, even if you are rejected, laughed at, or frustrated. It’s alright to get hurt.   If you’ve been hurt a hundred times before, what is a hundred times more?

Stop, please stop. I’m having flashbacks of high school.   

You know, it’s much more exciting and fulfilling to remain vulnerable, and to remain willing to take risks. I think that is what life is all about.  It’s not about protecting one’s self, its about taking risks

I agree.  It’s always good to remain vulnerable. That’s why I always leave my pink parts exposed. Which brings me to the most important question in this interview: If you don’t know whether or not you are with your partner right now because of a love spell, is there way for you to tell.  And, consequently, is there a way for you to get out of it?

 Yes, it’s called tawas (alum).

I see. Anti-perspirant is really the ultimate protection. Your armpits will never lie.  

You can get in touch with Tony Perez at studioantenor@yahoo.com. 

Pogi or not, you are welcome to come!  There will a book signing for ‘Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me’, my first collection of humor essays, on November 22 (Saturday) 5pm at Fully Booked, Bonifacio High Street, Taguig.  I will be reading excerpts from the book and also some excerpts from my upcoming collection, “I Do or I Die!”  We will also be selling limited edition “My Yaya thinks I’m Pogi” and “My Yaya thinks I’m Seksi” t-shirts.

(Originally published on November 12, 2008 in the Philippine Star)

Who says true love is hard to come by?  All you need is some olive oil, some acrylic yarn and an oversized Hello Kitty doll.  

Over the undas (All Saints’ Day), I learned that the thousands of words I have spewed out in this column have just been pure drivel.  All that muckety muck about learning pick up lines and reading body language and buying gayumas (love charms) outside of Baclaran church are just as effective on the opposite sex as filing impeachment charges is against the President. Why dab yourself with expensive cologne or don your China-made Rolex or flash your surgically-enhanced pwet just to catch the attention of that woman you have been obsessing over when all you needed to do was mosey on over to your neighborhood sari-sari store for some eye of newt and toe of frog? 

If there is one thing that I learned from Tony Perez’s book Mga Panibagong Kulam sa Pag-Ibig (The New Spells for Love), it is that the government does not have a monopoly in making magic.  This book is the royal straight flush in the poker game of love, where you can stack all the cards in your favor. After you have mastered this book, all you No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) can finally forego the use of your one-armed bandit.

However, what do we really know about kulam that we except for preconceived notions tht we have learned from Bible-thumping conservatives, from our yayas and from movies starring Judy Ann Santos?    What exactly is a kulam and how does it work?  According to Tony Perez, a kulam is simply a creative form of prayer using ingredients. And when you brew together the right amount of ingredients, it’s the equivalent of sending a text message to the ‘higher ups’ asking them to be your tulay (bridge) to spell-bounded love.    

But if this explanation doesn’t satisfy you, then maybe some geometry will: Imagine yourself as a dot.  Now imagine the woman, whether existent or blown up, as the other dot.  Imagine that there is a dotted line connecting both of you.   Imagine that to turn that dotted line into a straight line, you need to perform a kulam.  Now imagine that kulam is like bidding for a government contract.      

There are many spirits, diwatas (fairies), dwendes (dwarves), kapres and congressmen, who have their own agendas, and they may either want to help (tagahatid) or hinder (tagaharang) your kulam from reaching your intended victim, este, beloved.  Imagine your kulam passes through several of these go-betweens who give you the run around, so much so that you have no choice but to overprice the newt eyes and frog toes, without any assurance that the kulam will reach the target, este, woman in the first place. If karma is on your side, your kulam will reach her faster than tsismis on the Buzz.  But if karma would like to stick a hot poker up your pwet, your kulam will reach her slower than oil price rollbacks of multinational oil companies.  But take comfort in the fact that when the kulam reaches your woman, whether it takes five minutes or fifty years, you will have definitely smitten the woman of your dreams. Or you may have smitten a manananggal. 

The kulams that Tony Perez advocates are relatively easy to perform and, thankfully, none of these spells require the drawing of pig’s blood, dancing naked while beating your chest (much to my dismay) or sacrificing a virgin or two.  These would have been particularly daunting tasks, especially if we had to look for virgins.  And, if I may digress my three female readers, there is an interesting factoid about virgins:  There is a misconception that for spells to be potent, they must be performed by people who have not yet field-tested their potency. In other words, spells must be performed by certified virgins (which would make the purchase of the kulam book by DOMs an exercise in futility).  The only thing that that needs to remain chaste for a spell, Tony Perez clarifies, are the ingredients – which means they should not be used for any other purpose except for the spell, whether that purpose is hygienic or otherwise.  But even if these spells required virgins, my NGSB readers would have had no problem with that.    

For most of these kulams, there is a basic five-step process which must be strictly adhered to unless you plan to grow an extra nipple:       

1. Kasangkapan (ingredients).  The most exotic ingredient here might probably be isaw (chicken entrails), only because it is good pulutan (appetizer) while preparing the love spells.  Otherwise, the ingredients for most of these spells are fairly innocuous and can be found in most households, hardware stores and wet markets.  Among these ingredients are vigil candles, candle holders, matches, potpourri bowls, heart shaped nighlights, hair brushes, lipstick cases, hand mirrors, cologne, forks, knives, a chopping block, a pair of tongs, fresh kalamansi, coconuts, biscuit boxes, empty mayonnaise bottles, a pair of scissors, wax crayons, modeling clay, plastic canisters, your passport photo, a domino set, a pair of dice, towel, a pair of tsinelas (slippers), assorted bathrooms sundries and, the most important ingredient, toilet paper (most NGSBs know what to do with the toilet paper).  After gathering all these ingredients, you aren’t quite sure on the onset if you will perform a spell, go on a romantic date, bake some pastries, attend an art class, or take a shower. 

Second, most of these ingredients for the kulams must be monochromatic. Because love spells are nothing if not fashionable.  Therefore, try to gather red apples, red roses, red ink ballpens, red envelopes, red straps, red stamp pads, red soap boxes, red balloons, red birthday candles, rose-colored glasses, red piggy banks, red sugar, the esoteric bagol ng limang sentimos (made from red copper, which supposedly makes the spells more efficacious), and finally, the most mahiwaga (mysterious) of them all, the rose-colored post-it notes (Really).  

And lastly, you are advised to scrub the ingredients with salt, especially if these ingredients have not yet been used for magical, alchemical or world domination purposes.  The salt scrub also leaves these ingredients well-exfoliated and with a nice afterglow.

1. Ang Pagtatalaga ng mga Kasangkapan (Dedication of the ingredients). Before you conduct the kulam, the ingredients are dedicated to magic by bathing them under the light of (preferably) the third full moon for three hours.  As the exfoliated ingredients get a nice moonlit tan, you can choose to bask in the moonlight as well. According to the book, it is untrue that bathing underneath the moonlight will drive you to lunacy. But if you do notice yourself developing a very sharp overbite, or body hair where it doesn’t belong, or are seized by the desire to dine on human viscera, it is best that you go back into the house, lock yourself in your room and then shoot yourself with a silver bullet.  After you conduct the dedication, there is no need for a repeat performance when you cast future kulams.     
2. Pagkokonsagra sa Magica ng mga Kasankapan (Consecration of the ingredients to magic). Every time you conduct a kulam, you need to consecrate the ingredients.  You can consecrate the ingredients by dabbing extra-virgin olive oil on your right thumb and index finger then proceed to smear it all over the ingredients.  Please do not eat the ingredients.  If you are clueless as to where you can find extra-virgin coconut oil, do not fret, just look for a patch of ugly olives (That joke was sponsored by Gary Lising).  If you want quicker results for your kulam, you may want to try using motor oil.  
3. Ritwal (Ritual).  After being bathed, color-coordinated, exfoliated, and moisturized, the ingredients are now ready for their close up.  The ritual is the actual step-by-step spell-casting process, which may or may not involve some blowing of the ingredients. Let us not get into that discussion without having a couple of drinks. 

The spells in the book do not appear in any particular order. In fact, the book recommends you to do a bit of self-diagnosis: there are a grocery list of spells that you can choose from, based on the level of your desperation, hopelessness and medication.  There are very helpful spells that are great for self-medication (i.e. First-Aid for Love), for gardening (i.e. Zen Garden of Love) and for building a strong investment portfolio (i.e. Piggy Bank of Love).

Several of these spells will also help cement your friendships with the “higher ups” who will escort (tagahatid) your message of love to the intended casualty, este, woman.  These “higher ups” include the moon goddess, the earth, wind and fire elementals (when they are not on tour) and diwatang kalachuchis (frangifani (yes, that’s kalachuchi in English) fairies), who can be found on flowering trees.  Although I do hear from reliable sources that you can also meet a lot of diwatang kalachuchis in select bars around the metropolis.

Aside from those “higher ups”, you will also be making barkadas with fruit seeds, Barbie and Ken dolls and “power” cats (between Garfield and Hello Kitty, choose the one with better merchandising material) whom you can help make palakas (peddle their influence) on our behalf to the “higher ups”.  In case you do not have a direct internet connection to love, then there are other alternative forms of communication that you can use – such as the whistle of love, the paper boat of love, the Valentine’s day card of love, or the potentially trademark-infringing starbox of love (really).

If you already know whom you wish to enslave, este, enrapture in the folds of your love handles but are unable to get through to her because of court orders, then there are some love spells which will require you to be more stealthy than police generals returning from an international conference. You can scavenge for personal items that you have, ehem, obtained from her -her picture (clue to NGSBs: you can download their picture from Facebook mwahahahaha), cigarette butts she has thrown away, chewing gum she has spat on your face, buttons from her shirt (remember, the buttons must be acquired through legally defensible means) and the temporary restraining order she filed against you – and store them in a special box which will have the magical effect of bringing her close to you. But also remember that this box can also be presented as evidence in court.

Meanwhile, if you still do not know whom you wish to eventually procreate with, there are other spells that allow you to see the face of your future paramour in the melted remains of birthday candles (which are, of course, red).  And, finally, there are spells that require to make biyak (split open) some mani (peanuts). Let’s not get into that one without a couple of more drinks.

1. Orasyon (Oration). You must recite the oration with ooompha loooompha if you want it to be picked up by the ether and broadcast to the “higher ups”.  I know it might feel rather awkward at first, but just think of an oration like a potential pop or novelty song.   

Imagine Christian Bautista crooning these lines to make a woman want to exercise her biological imperative with you:  

“Ito, ang Pag-ibig, (This love)

Magbubuklod sa ating dalawa (Which binds us)

Magpakailanman (Forevermore).”

Or Jay-R humming this potential chart-topping hit to make the woman as hopelessly irrational as you:

“Ako, (fill in name of NGSB here) (I)

Ang iyong palad (I am your fortune),

Ang iyong tadhana (I am your fate),

Ang iyong katarungan (I am your equity),

Ang iyong biyaya (I am your blessing),

Magpakailanman (Forevermore).

Or, my favorite, the oration to the power pussycat:

“Pusa, pusa (Little cat, little cat)

Ikaw ay magkusa (It’s all up to you)

Huwag mong ipaubaya (Don’t leave things to fate)

Na ako ay lumuha (Or else I’ll go boohoo).”

I can hear Willie Revillame singing it in my head right now. Or Phoebe from Friends.  

By time you’ve labored through every spell outlined in the book, you will be excreting so much love from your pores that Cupid will have to look for another line of work.  However, the kulam book does have a disclaimer: the same way that our prayers are not always answered, kulams are not always guaranteed to work.

When this happens, there is no need to curse the heavens, grab that consecrated knife and turn yourself into a eunuch just yet. Find a way to keep yourself entertained.  After all, since most of the ingredients were household items, you can always recycle them. With all that art material you bought, you can always make a sculpture out of paper-mache.  With all the olive oil you bought, you will never be in need of salad dressing.  And with all the dolls that you bought, you can always find other NGSBs that you can play with. 

If there is absolutely nobody who will give love to you voluntarily, then you can always try casting the love spells again. If worse comes to worse, you can always give love to yourself.      

Mga Panibagong Kulam sa Pag-Ibig by Anvil Publishing is available at National Bookstore and Fully Booked. 

This is a fever that postpones Senate hearings, closes down offices in the Central Business District, and helps Adidas meet profit margins. This is a fever that turns prim and proper rosary bead-clutching kolehiyalas into fierce cheerleaders pumping their middle fingers in the air.  This is a fever that reduces men to brash khaki pants wearing schoolboys making hamon (calling out) each other to suntukan (fistfight) at the back of the school. 

We are talking about a rivalry that is as entrenched as the New York Yankees versus the Boston Red Sox.  As blood spattered as Toyota versus Crispa.  And as scathing as Noranians versus the Vilmanians. 

It is Katipunan versus Taft.  Eagle versus Archer.  Gary Lising versus Johnny Litton.  It is Ateneo versus La Salle.  When both schools do battle, school is out and green and blue alike are being given a lesson in aerodynamics at the Araneta Center.  

These are the games that are visceral in nature. Tribal in essence. Epic in scale.  And amplified through merchandising.  It is a rivalry where your shine or shame after the game becomes a subject of national concern.  And – because the cosmic scales of balance demanded it – the fiercest of rivals faced off in this year’s UAAP basketball finals. 

And, this season, it just had to be raining hard during Game Two. 

Argh. The agony. 

But despite the frustration, despite the heartbreak, and despite the hair loss, I continue to revel in this rivalry as much as the next hardcore Archer or diehard Eagle.  And I’m as hardcore as you can practically get.  I’m third generation strong, sixteen years berde and proud of it.  This rivalry has been programmed into my DNA as I am sure it has it has been twined into the double helix of those who have blue gushing in their veins.  When our boys won last year, I howled like a banshee and my body was spitting out so much alpha-male testosterone I was worried my wife might grow chest hair. But, this year, when the Iglesia ni Chris Tiu overcame our Church of Casio, I felt my heart crumple and implode as I went into voluntary sensory deprivation. I couldn’t bear to watch the news or read the papers or even check my email because any tidbit of news replaying the Katipunero victory was like an anathema to green bloods like me. It got so bad that even my yaya couldn’t comfort me.     

But, dear God, we love this rivalry don’t we?  From debate to golf to jack en poy, all you have to do is slap on that imprimatur of the Society of Jesus (SJ) or the Fratres Scholarum Christianarum (FSC), and both sides start painting on their war colors.  And this rivalry hits its crescendo when we duke it out on the hard court.  Our rubber matches are the few times that we can be unapologetically blue and green.  We invest so much of ourselves in school pride (some even invested P25,000 to score a ticket on E-bay), that it is very easy to lose ourselves in the rivalry. 

And why not?  After all, we’re only human.

I’d like to think that our rivalry was borne out of a healthy respect for a competitor that pushes us to better ourselves.  Whenever I see both our players on the court, I cannot even imagine the scale of responsibility that rests on the shoulders of these young men who carry the hopes and dreams of thousands of students and alumni.  But it is also from the hopes and dreams of their supporters, scattered through the generations and across the globe, from which the players draw their extra-dimensional source of ooomph for that archer sting or eagle bite.  These are the type of supporters whose relationship to our players is so intimate that they have the tenacity to watch the games live every heart-stopping time. ‘Screw the statistics’, they say.  ‘To hell with the predictions’, they proclaim.  “Any Ateneo-La Salle game is do or die time. And my boys need me there.”

As a result, these young men, armed with sinew and flushed with adrenaline, have only one mantra running through their minds during the game – “I cannot lose to THAT school.”  When this happens, our amateur cagers do not possess fighting spirit.  They are our fighting spirit.  

We all relish the passion, the zest and the loss of bladder control that this rivalry brings to the humdrum of our daily lives.  In fact, we want to be overtaken by our passions.  We want to be seized by the moment.  We want to be swept away by the experience.   And I can see why: In a world where uncertainty is the norm – where we are unsure as to where global economy is heading, when we are clueless as to which government official is telling us the truth and when we don’t know who will win in Survivor Philippines – our basketball games are the ultimate escapist fantasies.  During the hard court battle, the lines are clearly drawn.  We know who deserve our cheers and who deserve our jeers.  We know who is the hero and who is the villain. We know who is the victor and who is the vanquished.  Yes, these games truly bring out the best in us.     

And, sometimes, it brings out the beast in us as well.   

And why not?  We’re only human.

When we have a rivalry as impassioned as ours, it’s almost too easy to tumble over the slippery slope that keeps our rivalry in the pink of health.  In the wake of this year’s championships, I’ve heard some things and I’ve seen some things and I’ve read some things (yes, my bout with sensory deprivation is now over) that would infuriate those of us who bleed blue or green.  These things I came across don’t bear repeating in this column, for either of our sakes.  But, needless to say, some of these acts denigrate the respect for our rivalry.

Whenever somebody from ‘one side’ steps out of line, this step can be magnified in the eyes of some from the ‘other side’ who take it as a cue that the actions of some speak for the rest of his institution.  When this happens, there is the tendency  to jump to the conclusion that whatever negative stereotypes we’ve heard about our opposite number is automatically justified.   

And there are also some from both camps who believe that a certain degree of animosity must exist between our schools. And I admit that I know how this feels like because I’ve been in that space, too.  I can’t help but think, though, that being in that space prevented me from appreciating that some ‘one’ from the ‘other side’ of the fence could not only be a great rival, but a great person as well. 

Ever since I lost my parental financing and reluctantly entered the workforce, there are many Ateneans I’ve encountered over the years whom I have come to respect, to admire and to trade friendly barbs with.  And there are many of us who have had siblings and relatives and friends who we ‘lost’ to the ‘other’ school.  But after many an Ateneo-La Salle game, we often get together with those ‘lost’ people from the ‘other school’ so we can share a beer, engage in some good-natured and slightly off-colored ribbing, and maybe throw a couple of wayward punches at each other while we’re at it (my sister packs a mean wallop).  And as we enjoy the camaraderie, I can’t bring myself to think: Are the same people from the ‘other school’ who disparage our basketball players, who put down our alma mater and who ridicule the caliber of our education?

Even if they are from the ‘other side’, I know that we both cross ourselves and offer a prayer before the start of every game.  I know that we both fervently sing our alma mater song whether we win or we lose.  And I know that we both try to remain humble in victory and gracious in defeat.  But, sometimes, even when we try our best to be humble or gracious, it just doesn’t work out that way.   

After all, we’re only human. 

I think one of the greatest lessons I have gleaned from this rivalry is the opportunity for us to become more human for each other.  How living up to the value of our rivalry helps us build each other up instead of take each other apart. How we can be men for others for La Sallians and how we can be Christian achievers for God and country for Ateneans.  In the end, we aren’t really poles apart: we take pride in our players.  We take pride in our schools.  We take pride that our schools give us an opportunity to become part of this ongoing rivalry. In the end, our principles know no color. Our respect knows no color.  And our faith embraces both colors.   

I have always wondered what those on top of our respective alma maters think about all this rivalry business.  And I do mean all the way to the top.  Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to visit the Mother House of the De La Salle Brothers in Rome where I met Br. Alvaro Rodriguez Echeverria, FSC, the superior general.  Because I couldn’t rein in my kakulitan, I just had to ask the Brother Superior about his global take on our beloved adversaries. 

“Brother, what do you think about this rivalry between the Jesuit and the Christian Brothers schools in the Philippines?” I asked him playfully.  Br. Alvaro laughed. “We are very good friends with the Jesuits. Both the La Salle brothers and the Jesuits are some of the largest religious orders in the world.  God needs all the help he can get.”  he smiled.  “In fact, when Fr. Adolfo Nicolas, SJ (the Jesuit Superior General) visits the Vatican next week, he will drop by the Mother House to celebrate mass.”

But I’m still going to be cheering myself hoarse for good ol’ De La Salle in next year’s season.  My rivals would expect nothing less.       

So, am I worried about how our boys are going to fare next season?  Hell, I’m worried about how our boys are going to fare for the next fifty seasons.

But I know that there will be a season for everyone. And for everything.

(Originally published in Philippine Star on October 29, 2008)