Seriously.

“Huwhaaatt!!” screamed the three female readers who read Manual Magazine.  “You men are aaaaanimals!!!”

‘Animals?’ the men smirk to themselves.  Animals indeed.

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of the book The Anatomy of Love, the dinner date is a terribly obvious courting signal that is part of the larger human mating ritual. If a man shells out money to pay for her Value Meal, the woman should instinctively know that the man would like to study her anatomy. In fact, there is no more widespread courtship ploy than to offer food in the hopes of gaining sexual favors in exchange (And the operative word here is hope).

Let’s call a spade a spade: This isn’t a dinner date.  This is courtship feeding.  

Courtship feeding has a very important and primal reproductive function.  By providing food to the opposite sex, it not only boasts of our abilities as hunters and providers, but it also indicates that we are possible sperm donors as well.    

But before you barge out of your office cubicle, hunt down a wild cow, slaughter it and then tenderize it into beef patty, remember this about the female of the species: there is a thin line between offering them food and becoming their food.  

Don’t take it from me, though.  Take it from the male wolf spider. When the male wolf spider enters the long dark lair of the female spider with a tasty fly morsel, he must do this slowly and methodically.  If the male wolf spider gets a tid bit overeager, then the female promptly devours him. And this is not meant in any metaphorical sense. 

And I always thought that any devouring of body parts should be mutually pleasurable activity.

Moving on to things of more inconsequence, I am reiteraing my invitation for all three of you who read this blog to come to my book signing event for “Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me, RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women” at Fully Booked, Bonifacio Hight Street on November 22, Saturday at 5 pm. Here are some of the critically-praised imaginary reviews for the book:

“I love it, I bought five hundred copies and gave it to all my friends!” – RJ’s mom. 

“It’s required reading! Especially for the editors of Manual Magazine!” – Alora Guerrero, PJ Cana, Mela de Luna, Suki Salvador and Monch Lopez.

“Go to confession after reading this.” – Pastoral statement by the CBCP.

“We will be calling an investigation.” – Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez.

“I am filing libel charges.” – RJ’s wife. 

“Saan yung commission ko?” – RJ’s yaya. 

Lies My Yaya Should Have Told to Me, RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women (Anvil Publishing) is a compilation of my former columns on dating and mating at The Manila Times and my current column at The Philippine Star.  Read it at your own risk.  Available at National Bookstore and Powerbooks nationwide.  Please buy a copy now and help me pay for my credit card bills. 

(Originally published in Manual Magazine June 2008)