But we weren’t alone. Sandwiched between our half-naked, well-sculpted and chest-hairy bodies was a relative of a retired military office known for his escapades into military adventurism. Or, at least, that was what she purported to be as she went by the name Kuhdet Hunasan (really).

However, this is a story Tim and I would rather not get into after signing the confidentiality disclosure agreements that were prerequisites to securing our marriage licenses. Suffice it to say, there are many things that we did on our critically-acclaimed (the MTRCB was very critical of us) cult hit (some of those cults are still hunting for us) Studio 23’s ‘The Men’s Room’ that have prevented us from participating in family reunions over the past several years.

We didn’t know any better at the time. We were both single, ignorant and did things for Art’s sake (Art promised us a seven picture movie deal and an underwear endorsement. Damn you, Art!). My, how things have changed. Now we are both now happily married (Not to each other though). But we still do get the occasional calls from Art for a nude painting session.

Tim and I often get asked (Ok, ok, we like to ask each other) how we managed to marry such drop-dead gorgeous wives without the benefit of pity, gayuma or neuro-linguistic programming.

Since you’ve eliminated all my other options, the only answer I can go with is a sense of humor.

And when it comes to a sense of humor, Tim is king of the comedy cult. During his heather bachelorhood days – Tim used to crack jokes at the comedy clubs that would make women n of all configurations, estrogen levels and extra organs laugh until they choked on their own spittle. And this was before he opened his mouth.

Today, Tim passes on his esoteric knowledge to the Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) reading this column on how to weaponize your sense of humor in attracting women. Fret not, my BTBP friends, you can finally give your assymetrical forearms a well-deserved respite.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

RJ: I understand that you gave up a lucrative career as a pole dancer and become a full-time stand-up comedian. Here’s five pesos, tell me a joke.
Tim: (With a turned up nose) The stand-up that I do is not really about telling jokes. They’re not like joke book jokes that start off with ‘Two guys walk into a bar..’ The stand up comedy I do is about telling you stories from my point of view, but it is a story that everybody can relate to. Basically, I think jokes are stories that everyone can relate to where you need to point out the absurdity of what you are saying.
Well, that was five of my hard earned pesos down the drain. So, were you already this good-looking (cough, cough) even before you developed a sense of humor?
To tell you the truth, I was an ugly kid. You know how people go up to your parents and say “Anak mo ba yan (Is that your child)? He is so cute!” When I was a kid, people would go up to my mom and say “Is this kid bothering you?”
Thank God then for advancements in reconstructive surgery.
But seriously, when I was young, I was dark, I was scrawny, I had big ears and I had genitals that were as large as those of a horse’s.
How small do they breed the horses where you come from?
I started discovering the power of humor around high school, which is about the same time that I lost my virginity.
I thought you would keep your homeroom teacher out of this conversation.
What i don’t know though is if I was good-looking first then the sense of humor came after or if the sense of humor made me more attractive.
I think your sense of humor has also given you is an overdeveloped cranium. When did you realize that you had the ability to make people laugh for a living? And not merely because of your appearance?
I was living in the States and working for consulting company when one day I just asked myself ‘what’s my purpose?’ I can’t sing and I don’t have any real talent. Well, aside from being endowed like a horse.
That goes without saying.
I couldn’t do a career in pornography because my parents wouldn’t approve. So I took stock of my other talents. And I noticed that wherever I would go and whomever I would talk to, I could find a commonality between us and I would find a joke in that.
Like a good laugh about your horse parts.
So I thought maybe THAT is my talent! I can relate to people and I can make people laugh! That’s when I decided to try stand up. The first time I performed on stage was back in 1996 in States. It was in a café with a huge audience of four people. Three of them were my friends and the fourth was another comedian waiting his turn. When I got on stage, I though I killed that night. But after reviewing the tape of my stand up routine ten years later, I realized that I was actually bombing.
I didn’t realize that there was a lot of violence in the stand up comedy profession. This elusive sense of humor you posses, is it an innate skill? Or is it practiced? Is it a demon that you need to sacrifice several hundred virgin cows to every full moon?
I knew this guy who started doing with stand up comedy with me who really, really sucked. And I’m not talking about you, RJ. He kept on doing the same jokes over and over again.
Like running jokes about yayas, Dirty Old Men (DOMs), No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and genitals? Yeah, they suck. Can’t those losers come up with new material?
At that point, I thought you were either born with a sense of humor or you just sucked. But after two years, this guy started getting gigs in the comedy clubs. So I think that there is a part of sense of humor that is innate and another part is skill. The more you tell jokes or you write jokes, the sharper you will get at it. Eventually, you will develop a sixth sense for knowing what’s going to work and what’s not going to work. And this sense gets better over time.
Or you can just stick to jokes about having a yaya at thirty-five. That always gets you a mercy laugh.

MAG-EXERCISE TAYO TUWING UMAGA

What type of exercises can one do to improve his sense of humor to make yourself more attractive to women without being subjected to bodily harm, psychological trauma or threat of lawsuit?
One of the best humor skills that will make you likeable, but not necessarily more attractive –
I’m sure you would be an expert at that.
While talking to a girl, look for that ‘inside joke’ during a conversation. Let’s say she talks about her day and she describes what she was doing while driving her car. While talking about driving her car, she casually makes a motion with her both of her hands as if she is holding on to her steering wheel. Now, remember that motion. Later on in the conversation, when she asks about your day, you can say ‘I was driving’ then repeat that motion of driving a car. She will recognize that you are mimicking her and now you have found a commonality.
So she will think, “Oh he’s so likeable because he is copying me. But he’s not attractive because he’s making fun of me. He’s such a likeable a#$^&*(!”
That’s right. Now you both share an ‘inside joke’ and an intimacy is created because of that ‘moment’. You’ve become more memorable to her and you’ve also you’ve also made her feel more comfortable around you. However, do not make fun or her to the point that you become condescending.
For the DOMs reading this column who are cognitively bereft of the concept of condescension, can you please explain how that works?
Like when you take the girl home at the end of the date. Then before she leaves your car, you wink at her, use your lips to point towards her apartment, then crack this joke “So, how much?”
Imaginary Gary Lising: I didn’t get that joke.
Also, don’t try to be too funny with her all the time. That can get to be pretty annoying.
Really, I don’t think that was possible (It’s possible – RJ’s three alienated female readers and, quite possibly, his desk editor Scott Garceau).
You can also be too offensive with your jokes if you’re not too close to the girl yet. For example, you might lace your conversation with too much sexual innuendo.
Really, like what? ‘Would you like to see the part of my body that led to a guest appearance on Pinoy Records?’
Like asking her “Hey, you wanna (bleep bleep bleep)?” That’s a bit too much (Laughs)
Imaginary Gary Lising: I still didn’t get that joke.
It’s kind of hard to say where to draw the line when you want to be funny with a girl. It’s different with each girl. But unless you are emotional brick wall, I think you can get a sense when the girl is still comfortable, so it’s up to your own judgment.
It’s either you use your judgment or she uses her taser.
Don’t be fooled either by women’s piss poor excuses of why they can’t go out with you. They’ll say anything like “I have a headache” or “I’m your cousin”. Don’t let that stop you.
Don’t let the prospect of having cross-eyed, club-toed offspring stop you from getting a date. Got it.
More importantly, a sense of humor helps you improve your ability to accept rejection.
No wonder so many NGSBs make for great comedians.
You can cope better with rejection if you don’t take things too seriously. Let’s take a previous example: You come up to a woman in a bar and ask her “How much?” If she slaps you, then you can say “I see, so you don’t want cash. How about dinner and a movie first?” But if she answers “Two thousand”, then you have a point of negotiation.
I see now why your facial skin has gained a leather-like consistency.
Another way to use humor is to defuse tension or to use it as an icebreaker. For example, when you run out of things before a date ends, you can say “Do you want to go with me to Victoria Court?” If the woman slaps you, then you say –
Because if I have a discount card?
“Hey wait a minute!? I wanted to take you to Victoria Court because they have good crispy pata!” So you turn it into a joke while at the same time engage in some witty repartee.
I didn’t know that Victoria Court served crispy pata.
And when the woman thinks that you don’t feel too bad that she turned you down, she might feel sorry for you. Then – wouldn’t you know it – you become a tad bit more attractive. You lose that smell of desperation because you are able to joke about the situation.
As opposed to the smells that you usually emit.
Since it’s no big deal that you won’t go out with her, you suddenly turn into “Mr. Mysterious”. She’s thinking “He’s ok with me turning him down?” Then she starts to think about her own self-worth, “Maybe he didn’t really like, why didn’t he get offended!? Maybe he didn’t really like me? Maybe he didn’t really want to take me to Victoria Court!? Now I’m offended!” And when she realizes this, the ball is now in your court.
And with that, an NGSB is one step closer to finding out if they really have good crispy pata in Victoria Court.

DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL

Was there any downside to developing a sense of humor?
Honestly? A lot more guys hated me. They all wanted to be me: the funny guy who gets his unfair share of women. It’s hard to be a funny, attractive guy. All your guy friends end up playing second fiddle to you. It always sucks to be a sidekick. I’m sure you can relate.
I think your sense of humor is starting to make me hate you as well. Finally – to make this five peso interview worth it – does a man’s sense of humor truly increase his sex appeal?
Yes it will. As long as you have money.
Thank you Tim, you are an inspiration for our lawmakers to craft better sexual harassment laws.

I dread the idea of participating in Amazing Race-inspired type competitions for several reasons. And it’s not just because I lack the chiseled physique, the matinee idol features and the carpet of chest hair. First of all, I am so lousy at competitive games that I even lose at solitaire.  Second, I have already humiliated myself, my wife, my family, my barangay, my three female readers and the general Pinoy male population by admitting that my yaya continued to bathe me even after I had sprouted underarm hair.  I do not require further humiliation.  And, lastly, I have read that sudden bursts of adrenaline can accelerate my impending hair loss.   

However, I found myself willing to sacrifice a few thousand strands for the Samsung’s day-long Innovate Race. This is because any man with enough testosterone coursing through his blood would gladly eschew his dignity to win a brand new Samsung Innov8 (i8510).  The is the type of celphone that causes men to salivate without resorting to pornography: It I has an eight-megapixel camera phone, surround-sound cinematic video experience, pre-embedded 3D games, high-speed data connections and some long-range nuclear missiles. If it had any more features, we could use the i8510 to take over a small Pacific island.  

In the days leading up the race, I embarked on an intensive training regimen: I built up my stamina by watching all-night marathon episodes of The Amazing Race Asia (TARA), I honed my mental agility by coming up with witty remarks, clever sound bites and phrases chock-full of sexual innuendos, and to finally rid myself of pride, I bathed twice a day with my yaya.

Armed with an encyclopedic knowledge of every TARA contestant’s vital statistics, interesting euphemisms for male genitalia and well-scrubbed pink parts, I confidently strode towards the registration table on race day, where I found out that each team would be randomly composed of a Samsung representative, a cell phone dealer, a member of the press, and a six pack ab-sporting celebrity.  As the mechanics of the game were being explained, I clasped my hands and prayed that God would group me with a pandesal-packed celebrity who had the agility, the determination and the experience to win this race.  And also a celebrity who would not upstage me during the picture-taking sessions.  God heard my prayer and he blessed my team with a veteran of a reality tv show race.  This veteran was a man with no fear.  A man with no scalp hair.  And a man with no sense of geography.  My team got TV Host and roast chicken lover Rovilson Fernandez. (“Why do you mock me, God?  Why!?”)

For those who do not know Maxim Magazine Executive Editor and hair loss advocate Rovilson Fernandez or “Rovi” (as he is known by his close friends and the regular clientele of Adonis KTV), Rovi was partnered up with a man who is just too good looking to be left alive – Mr. Marc “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful and I have a thousand product endorsements” Nelson on last season’s AXN The Amazing Race Asia.  Rovi and Marc were at the cusp of becoming the first Pinoy team to clinch the show’s grand cash prize, if only Rovi had paid more attention during his Social Studies class.  But before Rovi and that damnable Marc Nelson were heterosexual life partners on TARA, Rovi and I were heterosexually dating for one season of Studio 23’s critically-acclaimed late night show The Men’s Room (my mom was very critical of it).  While exposing ourselves gratuitously on public television, I discovered that Rovi and I have shared a lot of common interests – a passion for the publishing industry, our undying love for women named Vanessa, and a tendency to recycle our underwear. Unfortunately, Rovi had to leave the Men’s Room once tsismis columnists had the temerity to accuse us of being romantically linked. Rovi would’ve wanted to stay on the show, but those rumors had scared away his best customers at Adonis KTV. 

Once Rovi and I re-connected by making beso beso in the most masculine way possible, we began sizing up the celebrity and media participants.  That’s when we realized that it would take more than our rugged good looks to win this competition.  We were up against two seasons’ worth of Amazing Race Asia veterans who were divvied up amongst the competing teams. We slightly went our pants when we spied ABS-CBN Publishing’s Ernie Lopez (Season 1) and model Geoff Rodriguez (TARA Season 3).  But the contenders who made us feel like we were not yet circumcised were MetroActive editor-in-chief Jeena Lopez (Season 1), beauty queen Tisha Silang (current Season 3) and sportscaster Shaan Bermudez.  Damn.  Have you seen how physically intimidating these women are!?  Each one of them probably had more cojones than Rovilson and I combined.     

But emasculation aside, Rovi and I knew that our real competition in this race would be the powerhouse team of fellow STAR lifestyle columnist JR “the power broker” Isaac and former underwear endorser Jon “the power package” Hall. In our hearts and in our groins, karma saw it fit that our teams be up against each other in a challenge that required grit, skill and man-cleavage – those two were our opposite numbers, our evil doubles from a parallel universe, and our bizarro twins.  This was going to be a match of jock versus jock. And of pretty boy versus pretty boy.  And I am so damn sick of having to play the jock. Again.

“Stop powdering your face!” I smacked Rovi at the back of his head. “And leave behind your kikay kit. We need to travel light.”

While applying some last minute sunscreen to his scalp, I overheard Rovilson chanting in mantra-like fashion, “I cannot lose to Jon Hall, I cannot lose to Jon Hall.”  I could guess how Rovi was feeling at that moment – that no other musclebound, almost hairless, alpha-male, loverboy sex magnet deserved to win this race except for him.  I felt exactly the same way as Rovi did, except for being an almost hairless loverboy.  We knew we had to win versus our ersatz doppelgangers because our egos were on the line.  We knew we had to win because a nuclear-powered cell phone was at stake.  And we knew we had to win because we might become Samsung’s possible product endorsers.

As the other teams made a mad dash for the starting line, our four-man team started this race the best way we knew how: We strutted off to the banyo for a bladder break. What can I say? The race organizers served a lot of iced tea during breakfast. And I believe it is better to relieve our bladders voluntarily before the race than involuntarily during the race. Besides, if these teams had watched as much Amazing Race episodes as I did, they would know that there is no need to rush: The organizers would make sure that we would all be let out of the starting line at the same time. So after furiously scrubbing away our facial oil with blotting paper, we confidently strode towards the starting line expecting a volley of photographs to snap our way. But instead, we were met by a really pissed-off games master.

 “Where did you guys go!?” the games master screamed, “You’re the last team out of the starting line!  They all have a head start on you!”

Oh no. Had we pissed away Rovi’s chance to redeem himself?

“Marc, why did you abandon me?” Rovi dropped his folically-bereft head onto his palms, “I promised you I would read up on my geography.”

This race was off to a great start. 

Next column: Part 2 of Amazing Grazed and Rovi’s road towards reality tv show redemption.