There are many memories that we have of our favorite motel that will never be recounted without the benefit of a Supreme Court ruling. After all, this is the favorite destination for those who like to don a pair of shades and a baseball cap, borrow an unmarked car and park in a drive-in garage, so that they can be themselves for (give or take) three hours. And it is a well-known secret respite from prudish parents, pakialamero (nosy) in-laws and overbearing yayas where you can live out your fantasies as a boxing champ, an English super-spy or the President of the free world. And all under the watchful gaze of a ceiling mirror (Or so I am told).

I have fond and morally justifiable memories of Victoria Court as it was the location where I shot the pilot episode of my late, lamented (I continue to lament) television show on Studio 23 with stand-up comic and Kama Sutra scholar Tim Tayag, the critically-acclaimed (my mom was very critical of it), cult hit (many of the cult members have since been arrested) The Men’s Room.  Together with Tim, our pink parts got all wrinkly in a Jacuzzi with former coup d’état -themed starlet Kuhdet Hunasan (Kuhdet’s stage name continues to change depending on the political climate).  The MTRCB also remembers the show fondly.

To help me vicariously re-live those memories of Victoria Court is Managing Director Ian King. After all my puns about Ian being the King of the court wore out after thirty seconds, we curled up in his Chinese Imperial Palace- inspired Red Fortress theme room and he proceeded to show me the quality of Victoria Court’s service.

COURT IS IN SESSION

Where art thou, Victoria?

Ian, this mystery has enthralled Pinoy men they discovered both the gift of puberty and the need for privacy: Just who is Victoria? And why not Esmerelda, Luzviminda or Paraluman?

Victoria Court came from my father. When my grandfather started working, he wanted to segment the business between his two sons. So one business became Anito Lodge and the other one become Victoria Court (VC). The first company my father acquired was the VC from Pasig.  It’s where the Pasig motels are right now. 

I have a passing familiarity with the area.

Subliminally, do you know that if you twist the VC logo to the side, it resembles a sperm and an egg. It’s funny, I actually sent the logo to a friend for a thesis study and when the results came back to me, I was laughing and laughing.  But my dad didn’t know that at the time. 

I didn’t realize how sexually charged the logo of VC was.  I’ve got something pala in common with the VC logo.  People also say that I resemble a reproductive organ.  Tell me, which VC branch does the most brisk business?   

I’d say the Malate branch because it is still the heart of the company.

Is that because there are hornier people in Manila?

Maybe (Laughs).  Let’s put it this way: there are more adventurous people in Manila.  Do you know why motels are successful in the Philippines?  Most families live with other families at home.  So where are you going to get your sexy time when you are separated from other family members by a plywood wall?  If you can hear lolo and lolo and tito and tita and brother and kuya and nephew and cousin all next door, where you going to go?

No wonder lolo and lola are never at home. 

Love is a many-splendored thing

Just how many theme rooms are there in Victoria Court? 

We have close to nine hundred (900) rooms corporate-wide and no two rooms are alike. So even if we have an Austin Powers room in Malate and an Austin Powers room in Pasig, If you check out both those rooms, you’ll find that they are different from each other. 

Those Austin Powers rooms must be mind-blowing, especially if they come with Heather Graham.  How exactly do you come up with these theme rooms?  Do you run a survey and ask people, ‘If you could have sex anywhere, where exactly would that place be’?  Or do you just watch a lot of porn and see what type of rooms people like to perform naked calisthenics in?

It’s my personal fantasies.  (Laughs half-mockingly) We do have a survey form which says, ‘We’d like to build your best fantasy room.’   The rooms actually stem from the travels of our designers and suggestions from the guests. Next year, in fact, we are launching the celebrity theme rooms designed by the likes of Jake Cuenca, Joey Mead, Mylene Dizon, Robby Carmona, Raymund Isaac, and Rhett Eala. 

So the guests can think when they are having sex in the room, they can channel the libido of Jake Cuenca and Robby Carmona.  Scary.  What are the popular theme rooms in Victoria Court?  Is it the room that resembles the back of your car?  A dark alley?  A proctologist’s office?  Or a room that resembles Malacanang? I hear a lot of people get screwed over there.  

The really popular rooms for the media and the party people are the Moulin Rouge and the Oval Office rooms in Pasig. The regular rooms requested by the guests are the Austin Powers Room, the Matrix room, the Aeon Flux room, the Oscar Awards Night room, the Balinese-inspired room, the seascape room, the aquarium room, the bunker room…

Bunker room? Really?  Like you’re at war?  Speaking of weapons of mass destruction, is there usually any collateral damage after the clients are done with the room?  Worn-out bedsprings?  Debris hanging from the chandeliers?  Bodily fluids corroding the floor?

In general, when we inspect the rooms after the guests use it, the rooms are generally clean.  The guests are neat.  Even the trash is clean. We don’t even know where they dispose the (ubo, ubo) evidence.

Maybe most of your clients come from the Department of Agriculture.  So if I brought Gil Grissom and his CSI team came to sweep a room in Victoria Court, they wouldn’t find a drop of evidence?   

We have our own blacklight too, you know. 

Your own blacklight, too? Damn, you’re better equipped than the PNP.   

We use blacklights because we are concerned about hygiene. We’ve got flashlights too because the rooms are dimly lit.  So the flashlights help us see other things quicker. 

Yes, it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience if the guests slipped on anything lurking in those dark corners.  

Silence is golden

Is there any soundproofing in the rooms?

No, but we do have cement walls.  We can’t hear your activities. 

That’s your loss.  I have heard from, ehem, certain sources that there are ceiling mirrors in your rooms. Are these mirrors there for aesthetic purposes?  Or are they there to help you check on your performance?

Well, RJ it’s obvious you haven’t been to us recently (Laughs and laughs heartily.  Too heartily, I say)

(RJ is uncharacteristically quiet) Like I said, all I know is hearsay. 

Those mirrors are, what, circa 80s?  We’ve actually removed most of the ceiling mirrors already. We’re moving into very classy theme rooms rather than motel-looking rooms.  I’m thinking your picture of a motel room would be leatherette and ceiling mirrors. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  

Nowadays, most of the rooms are, if not better, at par with the five-star hotels.

So, how can one check his performance when we have deprived of our ceiling mirrors?

I think you’d want to get a live feedback. 

I guess you’re right. After all, you can never get feedback from a blow-up doll.  I also understand that you have some special cable channels available for (ubo, ubo) educational purposes.

Hehehe, yes.  It’s very good for benchmarking their performance. 

That’s right, especially since you no longer have mirrors. Are there any surveillance cameras inside the rooms?  And if there are, can we view them?  In the name of investigative journalism.  Or in the name of National Geographic.

Not in the rooms, but there are video cameras in the secure areas like the kitchen, the offices, and the back entrances.

Sayang (What a waste), I was looking forward to buying the Best of Victoria Court DVD from you. 

Come one, come all

Do you need to show any identification before using the facilities of VC?  Like a drivers license?  Or SSS card?  Or a school ID?

Well, obviously, if you are in school uniform we won’t let you in.

But what if the school uniform is part of foreplay?

If he is a thirty year old man in khaki shorts, then that’s ok. But there’s a misconception that you need an ID to check into VC.  That was true in another motel where they required a marriage license. But at Victoria Court, we are open arms, we are non-discriminating.

It’s a good thing anyway that my wife had our marriage license tattooed onto my chest.  Is there an age limit when you can no longer avail of the services of VC because of health concerns?

You know what?   There are a number of senior citizens who use their senior citizens automatic discount with us all the time.  They are regular guests.       

You have made many a DOM reading this column ecstatic. I just hope they don’t keel over from a heart attack.

All the time in the world

Just how short is short time? And I do not ask this as a means to benchmark performance. 

We’ve had some as short as ten minutes. 

He should’ve just kept his engine running.  What is the average stay of a client at VC?

About five or six hours.  They usually come right after work. 

So that’s what they mean by happy hour.  And what’s the longest you’ve had someone stay in VC?

Two and a half years!?

That man must have excellent muscle control.  He could teach Sting a thing or two.  On what holidays do you get the most number of clients?  Valentine’s Day?  Christmas?  Undas?

The Valentine’s Day is not actually as strong as people perceive it to be. Because on Valentine’s Day, people are usually having dinner or watching a movie.  It’s actually the days before and the days after Valentine’s when business is strong.  In fact, long holidays are actually bad for our business because people go out of town. Incidentally, we also get a lot of clients during paydays and weekends.

Wives, you have been duly warned: Please make sure to hold up your husband during payday so he cannot head out for happy hour.  Unless he plans to spend happy hour with you in the bunker room.   

In the black

Ian, I have a phone-in question: do you guys still have your black card?  I thought that this black card was only an urban legend.  How does it work and will it make me more virile?

The black card is a lifetime card with a twenty percent discount on the rooms and ten percent on the food, It’s valid for all branches.

Imagine how much money the government could save with all those black cards.  How do you acquire one? 

We’re pretty flexible but it has a lot to do with loyalty of guests.  There are some people who come here every other day. 

No wonder nothing ever gets done in government offices. 

I see the same cars here a lot (snickers then looks behind his back).  I give out the card as a promo and we do tie-ups with certain clubs where we give the cards out.  We are launching a CD next year tied up with MCA-Universal where the black cards will come with the CD.

I’m sure a lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) will want to hoard those CDs.  Unfortunately, they wouldn’t know what to do with the black card. 

Broken silence

Are there any famous personalities who have held court in VC?  No need for names unless you really, really hate them. Come on, you can tell me.  I only have three female readers. 

RJ Ledesma.

I said famous. Not infamous.  Anyway, Ian, the most important question I have for you is this: Just what makes your crispy pata taste so good?

It’s a secret ingredient. I’m sorry. (Cackles diabolically)

Dammit, it’s that Victoria Court code of silence again!  You guys have got more secrets than this administration!