A woman whose twin modules have become so enhanced that they have their own pair of moons, whose high heels have caused her derriere to oscillate wildly that they have been knocking down nearby pedestrians, and whose vocabulary does not seem to contain the words modesty, subtlety and possibly a whole lot of other words.

What is a man, whose vital organs are still in working order, supposed to do in a situation? Is he suppose to:

a) Ogle the woman;
b) Voluntarily stab hot pokers in both your eyes;
c) Ask his date to take to take his cellphone picture with the walking science oddity and her twin satellites;
d) Spontaneously combust

Hmmm, let’s put it this way. What would be the natural male reaction to viewing enhanced female aesthetics like these? Aside from spontaneous combustion? And when he doesn’t have his cellphone or hot poker on hand?

Unfortunately, my three female readers, your date cannot help but ogle (unless you have a hot poker on hand). He is a slave to his biological dictates: ogling at women is as natural to him as not washing his hands after making peepee, farting and spinning around quickly to see if he can catch a whiff of it, or making cambio his equipment in public.

Admittedly, we men are in need of a biological upgrade. There is a lot of equipment that has grown quite obsolete: we have too much hair in areas where it doesn’t belong, we have too much foreskin that needs to be snipped away and we have two nipples too many. And our current equipment is prone to malfunction, even the ones above the waist.

Take our eyes, for example. According to Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Need More Shoes, a man’s eyes are larger than a woman’s, and his brain is configured for long-distance tunnel vision, which means that he cans see clearly and accurately directly in front of him, and over great distances. Man needed binocular-like vision because, before the invention of fastfood and recyclable underwear, he needed to spot and zero in on his prey from a distance. In modern times, this still proves to be a usefool, este, useful skill when men need to spot a free parking space, a McDonald’s restaurant or plunging cleavage from a mile away.

Men are also stimulated through our eyes (And trust me, my three female readers, this type of stimulation does not require hot pokers). We are wired to look at the female shape because the female form, if gender issue specialist Barbara Pease is to be believed, evolved as a permanent, portable and, ehem, potent sexual signaling system which was purposely built to attract male attention and body parts (but once you are happily married like I am, your signal is permanently placed out of the coverage area. Yes, pangga, I assure you. Please set aside the hot poker).

This is where the built-in defect starts to kick in: let’s say a woman with a well-developed signaling system struts by you. Men, who lack good peripheral vision, good hygiene, and good manners, will risk potential whiplash and turn his head in the general direction of the signal. Then his biological functions will start breaking down: he enters a trance-like state, his eyes dilate, he becomes slack-jawed, his blinking ceases and saliva floods his mouth. No, he is not going into a coma. Nor is he developing the mutant power of x-ray vision. He is entering into the biological landmine that is ogling.

The length of the ogling proportionately increases to the degree that the female form has been blown out of proportion. And if ogling is prolonged beyond a minute, it can lead to injuries: If one’s eyes haven’t melted off yet, then that exaggerated female form may take notice of your inappropriate staring, approach you, knock you down to the floor, deprive you off a few front teeth, and make sure that you permanently lose all sensation in the groin area.

But these are not the only dangers of ogling. It could also lead to a shorter life-span as well.

John Sewell of the UK-based global market research firm www.onepoll.com surveyed 2.000 Britons and discovered that men spend an average of one year of their life ogling women. On the average, men look at eleven different women daily and each of these women receives at least two minutes of his attention. This translates to an average of 5.5 days in a year and about 350 days for a man’s average life-span. So, how exactly does ogling shorten your life-span? Share this little fact with your girlfriend or your wife (Then save yourself the hassle. Hand her the hot poker right after). Furthermore, just imagine how much more productive that year in your life could have been if you did not ogle women in pubic? All that time you could have been ogling women from the safety of your own computer monitor. Just make sure the lock the door.

However, the question still remains: Is all that ogling worth it?

Our administration, God bless them and take their souls, have given the male species the best justification me the best justification to ogle: It is worth doing it as long as we are not caught. Because everybody does it anyway.

And despite your faux surprise, yes even you ogle, my three female readers. I’ve noticed those syrupy stares you’ve given my picture at the top of this column (You like my naughty little pinkie finger, don’t you?).

“Our research suggests that it’s inevitable to a degree,” says Dr. Jon Maner, assistant professor of psychology at Florida State University and author of a study that came out in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “People’s eyes are automatically captured by attractive members of the opposite sex. Although our research also suggests that self-control can take over after that initial attentional bias.” Self-control is a very important life-skill for men to have, particularly if they want to keep the symmetry of their forearms.

But of more consequence than symmetrical forearms is the fact that it’s pretty normal for both sexes to ogle. “People buy into this myth of the perfect mate and how once they find them, they won’t have any interest in anyone else, and that’s just wrong,” asserts Dr David Barash, author of The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People. “If they’re a normal healthy human mammal, they’re likely to be attracted to someone else on occasion. It doesn’t mean that their marriage or partnership is doomed. Nor does it mean they have to act on it.” So, go ahead and ogle. Because the chances of not being caught, according to www.onepoll.com survey, is only fifty percent of the time. Of course, when you are caught by your partner the other fifty percent of the, you can be assured that you will be one hundred percent neutered.

But, for the men who have been clutching nervously at their crotches up to this point, here is the shocker of all Regal shockers: Women ogle men more than men ogle women. Peksman.

According to Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, sex researchers reported that women look at men’s bodies as much as, and sometimes more than, men look at women’s (Now, before I move on, just what type of job is that of a sex researcher? How exactly do you qualify for a job like this? Because I know a lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) who spend a lot time doing research on this topic online and on their DVDs everyday. Sometimes four times a day, if they still have energy).

The reason that women rarely get caught ogling is, aside from executive privilege, they have superior peripheral vision versus men. A woman’s eyes have mutated to the point that she has peripheral vision up to almost one hundred eighty degrees. Thus, if a man can spot a woman with a D cup bra size a mile away, a woman can spot a man spotting a woman with a D cup from a mile away from the left side of her eye.

And do you know what my three female readers are ogling at?

Scientists from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University used eye-tracking technology to pinpoint what people looked at when shown a series of sexy photos. And, silly well-educated mad scientists that they were, they presumed that women would be more interested to look at faces while men would be more interested to look at the genitals. But, to their surprise, they found almost the reverse was true. Men were more likely than women to linger on the face before diverting their attention to other parts of the body.

As a man, I feel violated yet very flattered at the same time.

My three female readers, a karmic balance must be set. Men cannot be the subject of your visual pleasure without consequence any longer. We must also be allowed to view your signaling systems without fear of reprisal. Or at least for the purpose of cardiovascular exercise.

An article circulated among several email newsgroups that claimed The New England Journal of Medicine carried an article saying that ogling a woman’s breasts were good for a man’s health and could add years to his life. According to gerontolgist Dr. Karen Weatherby, “Just ten minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobic workout. Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack by half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

This would seem to explain the exponentially long life spans of many a Dirty Old Man (DOM). However, a cursory check with the publication revealed that no such article ever appeared in the Journal. And this Dr. Karen Weatherby? Probably as genuine as the government’s efforts to stamp out corruption.

Nonetheless, let us not yet dismiss this article until we give Dr. Weatherby’s workout regimen the old college try. Or get neutered trying.