During a speed dating event that I once observed (purely for anthropological purposes. And for comic relief as well), I noticed how the men struggled to create a good first impression despite opening their mouths.  Now aside from unbuttoning their collared shirts to expose their well-groomed chest hair, some of these men sprayed enough cologne on themselves to knock out small children, asthmatics and ebola-infected swine.  I truly doubt that the ability of a man’s cologne to suffocate his date will help make him more desirable, especially after he has permanently damaged her olfactory system.

However, these men might be considered potential sperm donors if the woman is able to associate the man’s cologne to a past experience of hers that was memorable, pleasurable and that did not require fumigation.

According to Indiana University psychology professor James Craig, “It is pretty clear that much of peoples’ responses to perfume and other smells is learned.”  Smell is a very potent memory trigger, and past associations with certain colognes often dictate how a woman will respond to a given scent.  For example, if you are in a bar and a woman suddenly knees you in the groin, grinds the spike of her heel into your manhood, and calls you a “lousy cheating bastard!”, then you are probably triggering not too pleasant memories. However, if you are in a bar and a softdrink shaped woman sporting twin satellites pounces all over you, shreds your clothes with her teeth, and plants kisses all over your well-groomed chest hair, then you know that your cologne will probably help you fulfill a biological imperative that night. Maybe fulfill it even two times.  That is, until you discover her Adam’s apple.

Apparently, this “spark” that they are referring to is not electrotherapy. So, for men who want to short circuit the whole dating process and go straight to plug and play with the opposite sex, their hope does not lie with a spark, but rather, with a snort.  Because the secret to short circuiting the date and mate process lies with a people who smell as good as their cheese: the French.

Despite their much-maligned hygiene habits, the French are reputed to be the best and most robust-smelling lovers in the world. While we Pinoys pride ourselves on the fact that our pink parts smell sampaguita clean, the French are even prouder that they have yet to surrender their pink parts to nuclear-powered kalamansi fresh deo-colognes. And even if some Frenchmen smell like Gruyere cheese, their natural aroma has been known to disintegrate the undergarments of women for centuries.

This could be the same reason why your only date during a Saturday night is your right hand:  Because you are just too damn clean!  In fact, washing yourself too frequently in all the inappropriate places scrubs off your pheromones, leaving a woman unable to smell if you are the right one to help her overburden the Philippine population. If you are the right person whom she will not be reluctant to confess

Pheromones are those small organic molecules that act as a form of chemical communication between two animals of the same species that can activate an animal’s, ehem, receptivity.  The pheromones we emit come from our singits, kili-kilis, mucous membranes, nipples and genital juices which, in turn, produce aromatic messages that travel through the air and affect the sexual behavior of the opposite sex.  Let me give you an example, when I don’t shower for a couple of days, my Yaya Cora wants to douse me in Lysol.

In a horribly warped experiment to demonstrate the potency of pheromones, researchers anesthetized a male golden hamster and placed it in a cage. Then they let macho male hamster with anger management issues into the same cage.  The normal hamster bitch-slapped the anesthetized hamster, bit his ears and hair-pulled him around the cage.  And because these researchers were not having enough fun yet, they performed the experiment again, but this time around they rubbed vaginal secretions from a female hamster onto the hapless anesthetized hamster.

When the macho hamster was placed back into the cage with the anesthesized hamster, who reeked of Parfum ala Genitalia ,the macho hamster’s reaction was quite different: he no longer tried to kick the derriere of our dazed and confused hamster.  Instead, he tried to hump it.  And it was only when the scent of the vaginal secretions wore off from the anesthetized hamster that the macho hamster realized the enormity of what he had done.  After five minutes of screaming, the macho hamster curled up into a ball and cried while the song “Crying Game” played in the background.  The macho hamster is now undergoing therapy.

But more disturbing than being slathered with a female rodent’s genital juices is the revelation that what makes us really attractive to the opposite sex is not the size of our bald spots (as my dad steadfastly believes), but our immune systems. According to a Psychology Today article, the process by which our body odors are perceived as pleasant and amorous by women is more selective than a World Bank bidding.  We usually smell the most attractive to a woman whose genetically based immunity to disease differs most from our own immune system. In other words, we need to stink good enough to mate.

So if our aroma is the best way for us to attract a potential mate, then why do we men wear cologne to mask the essence of our singit?  That is because cologne is the Trojan Horse that makes the female snort up our pheromones.  Sniffing your natural odors into the deepest recesses of the female nasal cavity is the only way a woman will know that she is the right partner to bear your future basketball team.  Given this, a pleasant smelling cologne is used by crafty DOMs to encourage unwitting members of the opposite sex to inhale more deeply the air surrounding them, increasing the probability that their pheromones will travel deeper into their nasal cavities. So, my three female readers, when you are within a fifty feet radius of DOMs, I strongly encourage you to wear nose plugs.

Indiana University Chemistry Professor Milos Novotny asserted that certain substances in colognes can also act like pheromones among humans and can potentially heighten a man’s sexual attractiveness, in spite of his physical attractiveness. Since women often say that men are animals, this gave perfume manufacturers, who were either very high or very desperate, the idea of using the secretions that animals use to mark their territories as the base for their perfumes.

Among the more popular secretions are the skunk-like spray of the civet cat, the castrum from the peri-anal glands of beavers (Drakkar Noir probably sounds much better than Eau de Peri-Anal), the musk from the dangling privates of the male musk deer and the ever-popular boar urine. Among all those secretions, boar urine appears to be the most robust – once female pigs get a whiff of the male boar urine, they arch their back to demonstrate their willingness to mate.

So, for all the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) out there who want to use pheromones for their own diabolical ends, allow me to present two divergent strategies:  First, forsake hygiene as is an imperialist concept and lock yourself in a room with no ventilation or plumbing for several days.  Locking yourself in the room with livestock is optional. When your odor is full-bodied enough to wipe out cockroach colonies, then you know you are now ready to mark your territory with pheromones of mass destruction. Under-armed with your lusty aroma, proceed to the nearest bar where all the alpha-males and shapeliest, twin-satellite bearing females converge.  You needn’t worry about the alpha-males, they will flee at the mere whiff of you.  Once the bar has been cleared of all competition, find that woman that you have pining for, wrestle her to the ground, and thrust your armpits fully into her nose.  If she arches her back, you will know that she is immediately smitten by you. However, if instead you put that woman into a coma, you will be sent to a nondescript lab, pumped full of anesthesia, smeared full of female hamster secretions, and placed in a cage with several thousand macho hamsters.

Otherwise, you can take the other route of spending a ridiculous amount of money can pay off the Legacy group planholders and drown yourself in cologne that smells like animal reproductive organs and peepee to attract the opposite sex.   However, what the perfume manufacturers fail to mention is that, although they are sure that animal secretions will get some animals to arch their backs for you, they aren’t too sure if these secretions will also work on human females.  But even if the cologne doesn’t help you attract the opposite sex, you needn’t worry.

There are probably still some lonely female pigs out there.

Aside from the occasional butter knives that were surgically removed from the orifices of the male participants, a recent speed dating event I attended in Manila proceeded without need of police supervision.  However, I was quite wary of the claims made by the organizers regarding the elusive “spark” that could be generated among the participants without the benefit of alcohol, heavy medication or a mother’s kakulitan.  The men appeared to be as clueless as government officials as to whether or not they would be on their way to a second date. 

During the speed dating event, I noticed how these men struggled to create a good first impression despite opening their mouths.  Aside from unbuttoning their collared shirts to reveal their well-groomed chest hairs, some of the men were wearing enough cologne to knock out domestic animals and small children.  Somehow, I doubt that the ability of a man’s cologne to suffocate their dates made them more attractive.  However, what might make these consider these men as potential sperm donors is if these women could associate the man’s cologne to a past experience, a past experience that was memorable, a past experience that was memorable, and a past experience that did not require fumigation.     

According to Indiana University psychology professor James Craig, “It is pretty clear that much of peoples’ responses to perfume and other smells is learned.”  Smell is, in fact, a very powerful memory trigger, and past associations with certain colognes often dictate how a person will respond to a given scent.  For example, if a woman suddenly drop kicks you in a bar, grinds the spike of her heel into your manhood and calls you a “lousy cheating bastard!” then you are probably triggering bad memories. However, if the shapeliest woman in the bar pounces on you, starts shredding your clothes and plants kisses all over your chest, then you know you’re going to get lucky tonight. Until you discover her Adam’s apple.  

Apparently, this “spark” which these speed dating enthusiasts are referring to is not voluntary electrotherapy.  However, even without the benefit of this elusive “spark”, there is still hope for men who want to short circuit the whole dating process and get a free pass to the fulfillment bump and grind. And that secret to short circuiting the date and mate process lies with people who smell as good as their cheese: the French. 

Despite their much-maligned hygiene habits, Frenchmen are reputed to be the best lovers in the world. While we pride ourselves on the fact that our singits smell sampaguita clean, the French are even prouder that they have yet to surrender their natural aroma to nuclear-powered kalamansi fresh deco-colognes!  And despite smelling like Gruyere cheese, their natural aroma has been known to disintegrate the undergarments of women for centuries. 

And this could be the same reason why your only date during Saturday night is your right hand:  Because you are just too damn clean!  In fact, washing yourself too frequently in all the inappropriate places scrubs off your pheromones, leaving a woman unable to smell if you are the right one to help her overburden the Philippine population.

Pheromones are small organic molecules which act as form of chemical communication between two animals of the same species that can signal an individual’s identity, arousal, or sexual receptivity.  The pheromones we emit come from our singits, kili-kilis, mucous membranes, nipples and, uhm, genital secretions which produce aromatic messages that travel through the air and affect the sexual behavior of the opposite sex.  For example, when I don’t shower for a couple of days, my yaya wants to shower me in Lysol. 

In a warped experiment to demonstrate the potency of pheromones, researchers who were picked on as children anesthetized a male golden hamster and placed it in a cage. Then they let a normal male hamster into the cage.  The normal hamster bitch-slapped the anesthetized hamster, bit his ears and body hair-pulled him around the cage.  And because these researchers were not having enough fun yet, they performed the experiment again, but this time around they rubbed vaginal secretions from a female hamster onto the anesthetized hamster. 

When the normal hamster was placed back into the cage with the anesthesized hamster, who reeked of Parfum ala Vajayjay, the normal hamster’s reaction was quite different: he did not try to kick the butt of our dazed and confused hamster.  Instead, he tried to hump it.  And it was only when the scent of the vaginal secretions wore off from the anesthetized hamster that the normal male hamster realized what he had done.  After five minutes of screaming, the normal hamster curled up into a ball and cried while the song “Crying Game” played in the background.  If anybody knows where we can find these researchers, please let me know. We will have them jailed in Muntinlupa with convicts who are not permitted conjugal visits.

But more disturbing than being slathered with vaginal secretions is the revelation that what makes us really attractive to the opposite sex is our immune systems (and not the size of your bald spot, as my dad had mistakenly led me to believe).  According to an article in Psychology Today, how our body odors (also known in Austin Powers parlance as ‘mojo’) are eventually perceived by females as pleasant and sexy is a process more selective than a government bidding.  We usually smell the most attractive to a person whose genetically based immunity to disease differs most from our own.  

In a mojo-generating experiment, men were asked to wear a shirt two nights in a row and not to wear deodorants or scented soaps (this experiment is better known among men as a “lifestyle”).  Women were then presented with six shirts – three from men with similar genetically based immunities, and three from men with genetically based immunities different from their own.  First, the women were made to take a whiff of their shirts.  Next, the women were revived with smelling salts.  After they had regained their wits, the women preferred the scents of men whose immunities were different from their own.  The scent of men with similar immunities to their own reminded the women of a relative’s odor, such as a brother or a father, while the smells of immunities dissimilar men would often remind them of a past or current boyfriend.  This suggests your kili-kili has powers that even you did not know that it possessed.

So if our mojo is the best way for us to attract a potential mate, then why do men wear cologne to mask their essence of singit?  That is because cologne is the Trojan Horse that makes the female snort up our pheromones.  Sniffing your man musk into the most remote regions of the nasal cavity is important to let your targeted female discover if she is the right partner to bear your six children.  Given this, a pleasant smelling cologne is used to encourage unwitting members of the opposite sex to inhale more deeply the air surrounding its wearer, increasing the probability that the pheromones from the individual will also be inhaled. So, my three female readers, beware of the men who are wearing enough cologne to tranquilize elephants.     

Indiana University Chemistry Professor Milos Novotny postulated that certain substances in perfumes could also act like pheromones in humans and thus heighten a person’s sexual attractiveness. Since women often claim that men are animals, perfume manufacturers got the bright idea of deriving the secretions from animals which they use to mark their territories as perfumes.  Among the more popular secretions are the skunk-like spray of the civet cat, the castrum from the peri-anal glands of beavers (Drakkar Noir sounds much better than Eau de Peri-Anal), the musk from the genitalia of the male musk deer and, as if wearing secretions wasn’t humiliating enough, the ever-popular boar urine.  Among all those secretions, boar urine appears to be the most potent – once female pigs get a whiff of his urine they arch their back to demonstrate their willingness to mate.       

So, to all my readers who are part of the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) fraternity, there are two divergent strategies you can employ to meet your reluctantly ideal mate: First, forsake hygiene as it is an imperialist concept and lock yourself in a room with no ventilation for several days.  When your odor is full-bodied enough to murder innocent cockroaches, you know you are ready to mark your territory.  Do not be afraid to proceed to the most crowded bar possible as lesser men will run away at the mere fragrance of you.  Find the woman that you have pining for, wrestle her to the ground, and thrust your armpits fully into her nose.  If she arches her back, you will know that she is immediately smitten by you. However, if instead you put that woman into a coma, you will be sent to the US for lab testing, smeared full of female hamster secretions, and placed in a cage with several thousand virgin male hamsters.

Otherwise, you can take the other route of spending a ridiculous amount of money that could otherwise repay for our national debt and drown yourself in cologne that smells like animal genitalia and urine to attract the opposite sex. However, what the perfume manufacturers fail to mention is that, although they are sure that animal secretions will get some animals to arch their backs for you, they aren’t sure if these secretions will work on human females.  But even if the cologne doesn’t help you attract the opposite sex, you needn’t worry.  There are probably still some lonely female boars out there.    

Welcome to dating in the 21^st century. Men spray themselves with anal secretions to make themselves more attractive. No wonder women think men are a$&holes. 

(Originally published in Manila Times on June 26, 2005)