This is the second part of our interview with three PUAs (Pee-Yuu-Aayy, not Puwah!) who have learned to take embarrassment, rejection and lawsuits in stride: X, Smooth and Charlatan of Attraxtion Arts. Join me as they wax pilosopo, este, philosophical over the life and limbs of a PUA. They wax hard enough to make my nose and other exposed orifices bleed. And, contrary to what you three female readers might think, it’s not easy being a PUA: You have to pick up a specified quota of women per month or else your license will be revoked and you will be demoted to picking up blow up dolls and avatars.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE
Let me get this straight – you guys are known as certified pick up artists (PUAs)? Is it a profession you can proudly write down on a bank application to secure a salary loan? And does the Professional Regulatory Commission (PRC) know about this?
Smooth: I don’t have to say that I’m certified, but they do call me certified.
I’m sure they do.
Smooth: Being a PUA is a full-time thing. I even left the US military to become a PUA.
The wars they could have won.
Charlatan: Sometimes if you tell a girl that you are a PUA, your value increases.
Your value? Like your value in a most wanted list?
Charlatan: And women dig men with higher values.
I better give these women some shovels.
Smooth: Women are designed to be attracted to men with higher values. The number one switch that attracts women is that a guy has been pre-selected by other women. If you’ve got more girls ‘attached’ to you, the more they will be attracted to you.
So next time a No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) should bring his yaya and her friends along with him when he hits the bars.
Smooth: What we teach as PUAs is to bring out the best of what they are. If you ask other girls how they want men to be around them, they say ‘just be yourself’. The girls don’t want that. The girls want the men to be the best of themselves. That’s what they want.
Charlatan: Your best self. Putting your best food forward.
Aside from any other appendage I would assume.
Smooth: Being a PUA is in your heart Kung tutuusin, PUA ka rin e (If you think about it, you are also a PUA) (Smooth points at RJ)
(RJ’s note to his drop-dead gorgeous wife and mother of his adorable five-month old daughter: I have never met this man in my life before this interview. Anything he claims about me is hearsay. Please, love, don’t take out the rusty pliers anymore)
Smooth: Everybody is a PUA. They just do what they can to meet girls and they can call themselves PUAs. Pero, iba yung PUA na magaling sa PUA na kung sinu-sino. (But there is a difference between a great PUA and a so-so PUA)
And that’s why they call you Smooth. How has being a PUA improved your life aside from being forced to have costly reconstructive surgery?
X: When you’re a PUA, you’re mastering ultimate social dynamics. So when I became a PUA, I became more socially aware. My social intuition increased exponentially.
I am glad that something increased exponentially for you.
X: We PUAs even stay away from drugs and other vices, except maybe for women.
I see how women can be harmful for your health once they find out you’re trying to pick them up.
Smooth: I even tell my clients and students: Don’t drink when you do PUA. Or don’t drink enough to get drunk. Or else you will become negative and it will go to your head. We want PUAs to be positive because girls want positive guys. Every woman has an attraction switch. All women have the same type of attraction switches. And there are 312 attraction switches. A good PUA knows very well how to trigger these switches.
My three female readers are also keeping their fingers ready on some triggers if you try to touch any of their switches.
Charlatan: Being a PUA is not only for meeting women…
But for taming wild horses as well?
Charlatan: If you know how a woman thinks, you will know how to deal with them.
Are you proud to be a PUA the same way that a congressmen is proud to have signed House Bill 1109?
Charlatan: Sometimes, it’s part of my game plan. I tell the girl that I’m a PUA – I’m the man who your parents warned you about. I am so much of a bad guy for them. It’s the concept of good guy versus jerks. Masgusto ng babae yung ganoon e (That’s what the women like).
And just to be clearer than the chief executive about running for congress, women want what type of guys?
Charlatan: The jerks.
I think that’s the strategy some game show hosts employ in meeting women, too.
Smooth: I actually tell women that I am a professional PUA and that I’ve dated hundreds of women. So maybe you don’t want to talk to me right now. But – the thing is – they still like me.
So do you tell this to the woman before or after you’ve been brought up on charges?

INTEREST-BEARING INVESTMENT
Without the benefit of hallucinogenic drugs, how do you get the women to be interested in you?
Smooth: You need to be interesting. You’ve gotta have vibe and energy. It doesn’t really matter what we say, but how we say it.
Like how you say, ‘Don’t hit me there again, ma’am’?
Smooth: According to Mystery (a highly-regarded PUA who is one of the main personalities in The Game Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists – RJ), if you say one interesting thing, the woman will say ‘That’s interesting’. But if you say ten interesting things in a row, the woman will say ‘You ARE interesting’. It’s not the material that gets the attention, it’s the person using it.
No wonder all those stand-up comedians get all the girls. Damn you Vic Sotto, Michael V and Chokleit.
Smooth: I’m very structured when I approach a woman – from creating attraction to building comfort. If you trigger attraction and comfort, then the seduction becomes mutual.
Charlatan: My ‘game plan’ with women is similar to ‘speed seduction’ which involves tapping on their subconscious. It’s a form of neuro-linguistic programming or hypnosis. That’s my attack.
I didn’t realize you were a deadly weapon.
X: I use the ‘natural’ game. In this game, you have to work on yourself first then you become naturally attractive. Women will become naturally attracted to you.
Nature can be so cruel. How exactly do you practice your skills? Do you try it out first with your officemates? Your siblings? Your yayas?
Charlatan: By being out on the field. There’s two kinds of game. The first is the day game, which is done in coffee shops or malls where approaching women is more indirect.
Starbucks, Coffee Bean and Seattle’s Best security guards, consider yourselves warned.
And then there’s the ‘club’ game. Since women in a club are there to socialize, they are easier to approach.
What are the places that PUAs find it easy to operate in? Gyms? Fast food counters? Women’s restrooms?
Smooth: A good PUA can operate anywhere. It really depends on how you deliver the approach. In a mall it could be, “Hi, I’ve been looking for this place, can you recommend me a place like this?” or in a club it could be “Hey, what kind of music is that?”
Or in a jail cell, ‘Hey what are being charged for?’ How do PUAs deal with rejection, aside from physical therapy?
Smooth: The first time you approach a girl, of course you will be rejected. But rejection is a detour to success. Eventually you will also understand the concept of ‘the game’.
Charlatan: Actually, when we get rejected, it amuses us because we realize that we’re human, too.
You and the Dalai Lama should join a support group.
Smooth: We have a structure to deal with rejection. We flip the attraction switches by re-framing the situation. For example, if a woman tells us to ‘$%^& off’ I say ‘Don’t do that! I can tell that deep inside of you that you are a good person. What’s your name?’
X: Or you can also say, ‘That’s a good answer, can I use that answer to reject other girls?’
I know several congressmen who want to sign up during your next seduction boot camp.
X: Or sometimes a woman who wants you to go away will say ‘I have a boyfriend’. You can reply with ‘I have a hamster.’ So she’ll ask, ‘Why’d you say that?’ You say, ‘Because you told me you had a boyfriend, so you’re talking about your prized possession. So let me talk about my prized possession. I have a BMW. Now, let’s forget about or prized possessions and focus on each other for the moment.’
Logic professors are still trying to appreciate the depth of that repartee. What happens if you ‘accidentally’ approach a girl who has a boyfriend?
Smooth: We can find out through what we call the ‘way point’. When we approach a woman and the girl is with a guy, we disarm the guy first. We ask, ‘How do you guys know each other’. If she says they’re just friends, you can say to the girl, ‘Cool, I’m going to show you something’.
Smooth, on behalf of my three female readers, they would love it if you were permanently assigned to Mindanao for hostage negotiations.
Charlatan: Or sometimes @#$% happens. I was doing pick up on a girl, and her boyfriend arrived and he said, ‘Hey, you’re hitting on my girlfriend’. I pulled the guy aside and said, ‘Dude, if I were you, I’d hit on her as well, because your girlfriend is really hot. Come on, let me buy you a drink.’
Charlatan, do you mind pulling down your pants? I just want to know what your testicles are made of.

MEDALS OF VALOR
After seeing all three pairs of your testicles will survive a nuclear war, what is the most daring pick up that you’ve ever performed.
Smooth: I tried picking up XX XXXXXXXXXX. But there were so many guys around her. So I tried to disarm the models and actors around her and finally I got to talk to her. But while I was talking to her, there were always people pulling her aside. So I would have to find a way to start all over again.
What a loss for local showbiz.
Charlatan: When I guested as a mind-reader for a local tv show, I played the game on the show’s host. And we were there in the dressing room, she wanted to make out with me. Unfortunately, we were about to go on air. So we opted to do it on another day.
And who was the girl!?
XXXXX XXXXXXXXX
Ngek. You better watch out. You know her mom could tear you apart with her vocabulary alone.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING
Aren’t you worried about karma when you do all this PUA work? Or at least karma’s seven foot tall three hundred fifty pound older brother who will make you pick up your teeth from the floor?
Smooth: There’s nothing wrong with what we do. In fact, the girls should be thanking us. You know why? Our first goal is their smile. Isn’t it difficult to get a girl who is so masungit to smile? We don’t make them bastos like those other drunk-assed people.
Charlatan: I believe we leave the women better off after we approach them.
Better than a kick in the teeth. Is there a way for a woman to tell that she is being picked up? And, more importantly, can she protect herself from being picked up? Like with an agimat or tawas or some mace?
X: Many women know that they are being picked up, but they allow themselves to be picked up. Because that’s the nature of women. When women know they’re being picked up, so they already put up their ‘bitch shield’. One time, I tried my ‘Raissa opener’, I approached a woman and said ‘Hey Raissa, it’s me X!’ but I didn’t really know her. She asked me ‘Is that a pick up line/’ I didn’t have a comeback, so I left. When I tried that out the exact same line the next time around, I told her’ You know what? That’s not a pick up line. But if it is, so what!?’
Whaapaaak!!! Don’t you guys want to exercise a certain degree of anonymity instead of posting your exploits on the internet? Aren’t you worried once the NBI or the PRC or Gabriela will get ahold of your pictures?
X: In the end, women will be women and men will be men. In the natural course of things, women were born to mate with men. So even if they find out that we are PUAs, their biological imperative will not change. They will still be attracted to us no matter whom we are as long as you hit the right attraction switch. Some women already know that a certain guy is a player, yet women still mate with that guy. Isn’t that mind-boggling?
I applaud you guys. This interview alone may serve as an impetus for women to evolve into hermaphrodites.

Even the probinsyanas are not safe. Every week a new chapter is scheduled to infect a province near you: pick up artists are setting up seduction shop in Baguio, Cebu, Davao, Laguna, Pampanga and Tarlac. Even the Babuyan Islands will not be spared.

The legions of infected are spreading the bible of seduction to the downtrodden No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) and the Big time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) whose forearms have become grossly asymmetrical after years of seeking solace in sex scandal videos. Be forewarned, my three female readers, remember all those men you made fun of, you ignored, you had placed under a temporary restraining order? Now it is time for them to wreak vengeance.

Because these men, if you can still call them men (because they are now far more – or less- than that), are the great deceivers. They may not have the countenance of matinee idol mugs, they may not have the articulated physiques of male bikini models, they may not have a Swiss bank account, and they may not have good hygiene habits. There is a lot they may not have a lot of. But there is one thing they have got: They have got game. More specifically, they have got a dog-eared copy of The Game Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists.

For the woefully ignorant NGSB and BTBP who has yet to come across this hallowed tome, Neil Strauss’ The Game is an autobiography that chronicles several time-tested techniques from several of the worlds best pick-up artists (PUAs) to subvert the wills of the fairer sex more effectively than the President has over wills of congressmen

My three readers, if you are Star Trek Fans, then there is one thing philosophy espoused by both The Borg and the PUAs that you cannot ignore: resistance is futile. Nothing – not ear plugs, not facial masks, not cyanide pills – will stop them from plying their trade on you.

Taking their inspiration from my favorite mutant super team, the name of the local PUA community is AttraXion arts. The X in attraction is not a spelling error, it is used for emphasis. To emphasize their mutant gene for seduction. And, just like superheroes, all PUAs employ codenames to create an air of flair and mystery. And also to prevent potential lawsuits (I quote verbatim from their website ‘We are part of International Community of Pick Up Artists. Some call us dating coaches, social engineers, social scientists, dating specialists, or dating gurus… it doesn’t matter. What matter is what we do.’ – RJ ‘matter of fact’ Ledesma).

I had the opportunity, nay, they honor of interviewing three men who are irreparably re-engineering dating and mating scene as we speak. Itago nalang natin sila sa pangalang X (co-founder), Smooth (lead instructor) at Charlatan (assistant to the lead instructor) ng Attraxion Arts, a seduction community. And in this community, there is no barangay tanod.

PICK OF THE LITTER
RJ a.k.a. Cadaver: I would like to thank all of you for coming out of hiding. There are so many negative connotations associated with being a PUA. It seems that the PUA is accorded the same level of respect as a male gigolo or an administration congressman. Let us finally justify the stereotype: just what is a PUA?
X: In our community, a PUA is the man that most women are really attracted to, and he can get any woman that we wants. He’s the type of guy who always trying to improve himself and maximizing his potentials as a person.
Charlatan: A PUA is an equalizer.
RJ: An equalizer? Sort of like an urban vigilante trying to atone for past sins by posting a newspaper ad that says ‘Odds against you? Got a problem? Call the equalizer?’
Charlatan: We try to level the playing field. They say that what we do as PUAs is unfair because we are like con men.
RJ: Yes, many Filipinos are allergic to anything that I prefaced by the word con.
Charlatan: But women can be unfair too, you know. They go for men who have the looks or who have the money.
RJ: You don’t say?
Charlatan: So, we are just giving a chance to those who have been shortchanged in terms of money and looks. We are equalizing ‘the game’. In fact, my fellow PUA Smooth always says what we are doing is very noble. We are saving girls from boring guys.
RJ: On behalf of all the men who have been shortchanged, we would like to nominate you for sainthood.
Smooth: For me, to hang out with a PUA is a privilege. PUAs give off positive vibes because we are positive thinkers. We don’t manipulate and we don’t trick the women. What we do is give them choices – do they want us or do they not want us?
RJ: I think you call that a Hobson’s choice. So, is being a PUA really more of an art? Or a science? Or a gift from the dark arts? How many virgin hens did you have to sacrifice?
Smooth: For example, the ‘cold’ approach pick up – it’s an art. You talk to her even if you don’t know her. And, from there, you become a friend. Then, you become a lover.
RJ: My, you guys sure don’t waste any time. Our chief executive would have loved it if you joined congress. So, how long does it take for you to go from friend to lover – five years or so, exclusive of jail time?
Smooth: It depends. Based on our lessons, you have four hour to ten hours to move from friend to lover.
X: It can even be as fast as fifteen, twenty minutes. Sometimes, it’s not all about speed. If you want the interaction to be fun, minsan pinapatagal mo (you make it last longer).
RJ: I don’t think the Dirty Old Men (DOM) have that much time left for fun.
X: But you need to keep the fire alive. Because if you keep the interaction going longer than necessary, you run the risk of having the fire put out.
RJ: I didn’t realize risking spontaneous combustion was so much fun.
Smooth: That’s why we have a guideline that the interaction should only last four to ten hours. If it goes past ten hours, then the phenomenon of LJBF – Let’s Just Be Friends – sets in.
RJ: OMG. Really?
Smooth: Minsan, she wants you at first. Then she doesn’t want you anymore.
RJ: So before common sense, bad lighting and the police can stop her from making a rational decision, you have to work rapidly on your pick up?
X: (Laughs) Exactly!
Charlatan: Fire the reptilian mind of the female.
RJ: You guys are cold-blooded, I see.

NOTHING MORE TO LIFE
RJ: I’m curious, what did you do before you became a PUA? Aside from evading arrest.
Smooth: I used to be in the US military and I was engaged. But my relationship didn’t work out. After that, I decided to become a full-time PUA. Then I came back here in the Philippines to do PUA work here.
RJ: That is great news local law enforcement and women’s groups. You are paid to be a PUA?
Smooth: Well, I do have students who pay me. But I do PUA work regardless.
RJ: You’re a real trooper. So is your PUA work heavily subsidized by DOMs?
Smooth: I actually have a client who is asking me to make a new PUA method for DOMs.
(DOMs from around the country pump their wooden canes victoriously in the air while breathing deeply from their oxygen masks.)
RJ: How did you get into PUA in the first place? Were you picked on as a child? Were you rejected by Pinoy Big Brother? Were you trying to make the most out of your life insurance?
X: There was a guy from the US who came over here. He wasn’t really a PUA but he showed me ‘the moves’ and I was blown away. I needed to learn this, I told myself. So I researched on the internet, I bought The Game, and I studied all the seduction methods out there and applied them all. I would go out five nights a week and test each of the techniques, and I gradually developed a following in the community. Eventually, some of the members of the community paid me to teach him the seduction techniques.
Smooth: I signed up for a boot camp that was conducted by Mystery (one of the most influential PUAs in The Game. A ‘seduction’ technique called ‘The Mystery Method’ is named after him. – RJ). He taught me everything I know. After the boot camp, I trained to become a better PUA in Europe, and mostly in Spain. When I understood the structure of ‘the game’, I decided come back to the Philippines and I met up with X.
X: I was already running Attraxtion Arts and then I met Smooth because I had a client who also took his boot camp and wanted both of us to meet. When we met, we measured each other up in terms of PUA skills, then we decided to partner up and spread the part of pick up in the Philippines.
RJ: I think my three female readers just went into self-quarantine. How did you get along with women before you became a PUA? Were the only women whom you become intimate with either blown up or highly pixelated?
Charlatan: Before I became I PUA, I was using pick up skills but I wasn’t aware that was what I was doing it until I stumbled upon books about seduction. Then, every method that I was using started to gain a ‘name’ from the books I read. Over the years, I have read literally hundreds of books about seduction, my pick up skills became even stronger.
RJ: Geez, this is what all those hot and haughty women have feared all their lives. A nerd who is taking revenge for all the times he has been rejected through reading about how to seduce women. Do you realize that you’ve weaponized literature?
Smooth: I was nerd and I was mayabang.
RJ: Hey, there’s nothing wrong. With being a nerd.
Smooth: Now that I am a PUA, every time I approach a woman, I get her number, I make her a friend or I make her far more than a friend.
RJ: You make her a business partner in network marketing
X: Now that I’m a PUA I can get the women that I want. But before, I just want the woman that I get.
RJ:I am glad that you are putting everything into proper perspective.
X: I can say that I am fairly good-looking, ‘di ba?
RJ: Fairly.
X: So I’m the one being picked up by the girls. And, because I know this opportunity might never present itself again, I allowed myself to be picked up even if the girl was not my type. But the girls that I wanted rejected me most of the time. I got into the LJBF zone. It was very easy for me to approach women very easily. But I couldn’t break the rapport and turn it into a sexual relationship until I stumbled upon The Game.
Didn’t one of your mentors happen to make a Senate appearance a couple of weeks ago?
X: After that, it was now like nine out of ten whenever I approached women.
Charlatan: I was very average. I would say that I was six to seven out of ten. But now, it’s like nine out of ten.
I see you guys have managed to seduce statistics as well. I think the congressmen who voted for House Bill 1109 would like to sign up for some PUA training. They need to work the game on seventeen out of twenty three senators.

You can contact Attraxion Arts at 09228247476 or their seeezling hotline 7078475 or register at their website www.attraxionarts.com to receive free dating tips and advice on how to join their community. If you dare.

Well, it could have been me if my wife hadn’t rescued me from the heathen, dirty magazine, asymmetrical-forearm-filled world of bachelorhood, and made me kaladkad (and very happily I might add) into the domestic, sleaze-free world of soiled diapers and calamansi-smelling bedsheets. 

Because if I was still vigorously building my right arm muscles, I might have become a fully indoctrinated disciple chugging down on the Kool-Aid of Neil Strauss and his book The Game Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists.   

Just who is Neil Strauss, my three female readers ask? Neil Strauss was once a regular female-starved journalist geek whose chances of scoring with the opposite sex were probably as dismal as an impeachment complaint.  In pick-up artist terminology, Neil was what was known as your average frustrated chump (AFC) or, locally as Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) who might have only enjoyed sex vicariously. This probably explains why Neil helped Jenna Jameson co-author the book How to Make Love Like A Porn Star. 

By his own admission, Neil is not a terribly attractive man.  He is blessed with an oversized nose, beady eyes, a scrawny frame, and a treacherously receding scalp treacherous scalp with Rogaine-inspired loyalists.  But don’t let his not terribly attractive looks deceive you: Neil should be feared by any female possessing a working set of reproductive organs. 

Neil claims that The Game is an autobiography that chronicles several time-tested techniques from several of the worlds best pick-up artists (PUAs) to subvert the wills of the fairer sex more effectively than the President has over wills of congressmen.  But for those of us who could only score dates with our first cousins, we know what this book is really all about: it is the saccharine sweet revenge of my brother nerds against all those “hard to get” saliva-inducing chickadees who spurned our offers to take them out on a date just because being seen with us would be the equivalent of suicide bombing your social life. But, more than just that, The Game it is also a big fat juicy EFF YOU to all the alpha-male sigas who turned our faces into punching bags and our uniforms into toilet paper during high school.  Once my kapwa nerds speed read this book, they will take your women, your dignity and your clean underwear (not that you had any clean underwear to begin with). 

The author’s journey into seduction wonderland started, innocently enough, when his editor had sent on a paper chase after the subtly named text, ‘The How to Lay Girls Guide’. From there, Neil sponged off the collective knowledge of PUAs who had spent all their waking time turning anthropology, evolutionary psychology, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming into weapons to can crack open the female species, literally.  Ladies, be forewarned: not even a chastity belt will save you from a nerd on a pick-up rampage. 

Neil’s first guru in the world of seduction science was a man na itatago natin sa panglang (we will hide under the name) Mystery who crafted his own seduction technique and called it (duh) the Mystery Method – a ‘Basic Training’ Workshop which included club entry, a limousine ride for four evenings and an hour lecture each evening with a thirty minute debriefing at the end of the night.  By the end of the basic training, Mystery guaranteed that you will have approached more than fifty women, not including your female first cousins or your yaya. 

But to achieve this feat, Mystery reminded his students that any feelings of embarrassment they experienced while trying to pick up a woman should be ignored as much as the truth is ignored in Philippine politics.   In the words of Mystery, “All your emotions are going to try and $%^# you up.  They are there to try and confuse you and they cannot be trusted at all.  You will feel shy sometimes, and self-conscious, and you must deal with it like you deal with a pebble in your shoe.  It’s uncomfortable, but you ignore it.  It’s not part of the equation.”  So don’t worry if you feel like a shameless and insensitive jerk who couldn’t care less what other people think of you, it is very good training if you want to be a crack pick-up artist or if you want to run for congress.  

So for the benefit of my three female readers, here are some tidbits I have culled from The Mystery Method so they can adequately prepare themselves for men of these caliber, like by taking cyanide pills.     

GAME NA GAME NA!

1. Show off your feathers.  According to Mystery, there is something we can learn from birds: his peacock theory suggests that men should try to emulate the peacock by dressing in elaborately ornate clothing that serves no other purpose except to attract the attention of women and fashion authorities.  In The Game, the PUAs were decked out in their best bells and baubles: shiny sequined shirts, oversized cowboy hats, jet-black painted nails and jewelry that glowed in the dark.  Once you wear clothes like these, you will immediately grab the attention of curious females who will wonder if you’re a clown, a bugaw (pimp) or Kuya Germs.
2. Approach with caution.  Behold the cue ball approach to seduction theory: Mystery says never to approach a woman from behind. Always approach a woman from the front, but at a slight angle so it’s not too direct and confrontational.  If you approach her from a straight angle, it also much easier for her to aim a bladed weapon in your direction.

In a social situation, like in a bar or at a massage parlor, it is best not to approach a woman who is all by herself as it is the equivalent of approaching a caged animal who is ready to eviscerate you at the slightest prodding (Although this seduction is ideal for those who are into masochism). And the reality is that it is very rare to find soft drink shaped beauties all by their lonesome because they are often surrounded by desperate, pining men like yourself.

The best approach to a woman is very zen: Do not approach her.  Rather, approach her friends instead.  Give her the feeling that she is being intentionally ignored. For most NGSBs, I’m sure that that is a feeling you are very intimate with.  Now, if your target is hanging around a co-ed group, pay initial attention to the men.  Soften them up by offering to buy them a round of drinks, lacing their drinks with sleeping pills, and stealing whatever money they have left in their pockets once they are slumped on the ground.  

1. Originality is for losers.  When you finally approach your target, you must be well-armed. And I am not just talking about groin protection. Nothing must be left to chance in the game of pick-up.  Every move is as scripted as GMA’s term extension.  Use an opener.  According to The Game’s glossary (yes, it actually has a glossary of terms), it is a canned statement used to start a conversation with a stranger or a group of strangers.  These opening lines are used to feign spontaneity and personality.  Don’t bother on developing personality when you can just invent one, personality is for losers.  Try opening lines that seek to amuse or impress like “I am the body double for Piolo Pascual’s shower scenes” or “I am the financial adviser to Manny Pacquiao” or “I received agricultural funds from Jocjoc Bolante.”   
2. Tricks are for kids. Once you have drugged her male friends and impressed her with your imaginary wit, you need to demonstrate to her that you have some amusement value aside from your Kuya Germs-inspired ensemble.    You need to amuse her with some endearing parlor tricks.  Now, knowing how to make music with your armpit may be amusing but it may not amuse women (Sigh, I don’t know why they are so damn difficult to please).  You need to amuse her with some endearing parlor tricks.  And you cannot be just a one-trick pony, or even a two-trick pony (even if you can make music with both of your armpits).  Rather, you need to be a multi-tasking pony. After all, you must be able to have all these tricks before the women exposes you for the sham that you are and/or her friends wake up from their drugged stupor and want to mash your face until you resemble Oscar de la Hoya. 

There are many pretend skills that you can boast, like pretend ESP.  For example, you can ask her to think of a number between one and ten (According to Mystery, the number is almost always seven).  Or you can employ cold reading, a technique used by fortune tellers, televangelists and tsismis show hosts to tell people obvious truths about their personality or their background so you can bamboozle them into thinking that you know more about them than you actually do.  But if all else fails, you can try magic tricks, like chewing on razor blades or hammering a nail into your nose or sawing off your hand.  I am sure that after you perform those magic tricks, you will most likely get the phone number of her emergency doctor.    

1. You’d be much prettier without that moustache. DJ Alvaro crooned it out quite correctly: Women like men who are ‘Maginoo pero medyo bastos (Gentlemanly but a wee bit crude).’ You must dupe her into thinking that you are as unaffected by her charm the same way that administration congressmen are unaffected by the clamor against charter change. This is accomplished by the use of a neg. According to The Game, a neg is a sort of accidental insult or a backhanded compliment whose purpose is to lower a woman’s self-esteem while actively displaying a lack of interest in her. We have a local term for this, and it called carino brutal. And the operative word here is brutal.  Samples of negs include, “You’d be much more attractive if you had silicone implants” or “You’d be sexier if you weighed two hundred pounds less.  “You’d be even more gorgeous if you didn’t have an Adam’s apple.”
2.  Earning interest.  Once you tell her what lovely brown stains she has on her teeth, you can now look for Indicators of Interest (IOI), which is a sign that the woman is indirectly interested in the invented you. These IOIs are generally subtle.  For example, if she asks for your name, that’s an IOI.  If she asks if you are single, that’s an IOI. If she asks if you are gay, that’s a WTF.  But if she asks you to please go away before she sprays you with mace, would this still be considered an IOI?  It depends: Have you already grown immune to mace? As soon as you get three IOIs in a row, then it is time to proceed to the next level, which involves making cambio. 
3. Moving up.  Or out.   If your balls have exponentially increased in size during the course of your seduction and you feel that your conversation can transition from what is the best way to re-attach your sawed-off hand to something of a more sexually charged nature, then this is what is called a ‘phase-shift’.  When you move up to ‘phase-shift’ mode, the situation gets more tactile, or what the PUAs call Kino. Kino has nothing to do with the former eighties pop icon and Pepsi cola endorser who sang the hit ‘Leaving Yesterday Behind’. Rather, Kino (derived from the word kinesthesia) is when you touch a girl with suggestive intent or with the purpose of arousal, such as sniffing her hair, slightly brushing up against her hips, or getting her knee to connect with your crotch.   There is no documentation, however, as to how many nerve endings are severed every time Kino is performed.    
4. Sealed with a kiss.  The final step of the Mystery Method is the elusive ‘kiss close’- an unknown frontier for most NGSBs.  The ‘kiss close’ presumes your balls have grown enough mass to develop its own gravity field.  According to Mystery, a PUA you should be brazen enough to ask a woman, “Would you like to kiss me?”  When he does this, three things can happen. If she says ‘Yes’, then make a sign of the cross, pucker up, and pray to God she can’t tell you have halitosis. If she says ‘Maybe’ or she hesitates, say ‘Let’s find out’, then cross your fingers, gird your loins and go ahead and kiss her. At that very moment, your balls will double in size. If she says no, you can go home, lie in a fetal position in bed while thinking about what an idiot you must have been for asking her to kiss you, and then cry yourself to sleep. 

Man, if ever I meet any of these PUAs, I hope they let me check out their testicles.  I would like to see if there have any satellites orbiting around them.   

And what was the most important tip I picked up from The Game?  You must a have a cool nickname.  Everything hinges on the nickname.  Not only do women like cool, mysterious aliases, but working under an alias is also of great benefit when the woman seeks legal action against you.  In the PUA community, Neil Strauss was known as Style. His best buddies in the community included people like Sin, Herbal, Grimble, Twotimer, Extramask, Dreamweaver and, quite appropriately, Sickboy.  As for me, I’ve never had the benefit of having a cool nickname.  My grade school nickname means ‘bag’ in the vernacular. And despite new evidence to the contrary, the nickname has remained with me ever since.  Although I wish my wife would stop calling me that already.