But we weren’t alone. Sandwiched between our half-naked, well-sculpted and chest-hairy bodies was a relative of a retired military office known for his escapades into military adventurism. Or, at least, that was what she purported to be as she went by the name Kuhdet Hunasan (really).

However, this is a story Tim and I would rather not get into after signing the confidentiality disclosure agreements that were prerequisites to securing our marriage licenses. Suffice it to say, there are many things that we did on our critically-acclaimed (the MTRCB was very critical of us) cult hit (some of those cults are still hunting for us) Studio 23’s ‘The Men’s Room’ that have prevented us from participating in family reunions over the past several years.

We didn’t know any better at the time. We were both single, ignorant and did things for Art’s sake (Art promised us a seven picture movie deal and an underwear endorsement. Damn you, Art!). My, how things have changed. Now we are both now happily married (Not to each other though). But we still do get the occasional calls from Art for a nude painting session.

Tim and I often get asked (Ok, ok, we like to ask each other) how we managed to marry such drop-dead gorgeous wives without the benefit of pity, gayuma or neuro-linguistic programming.

Since you’ve eliminated all my other options, the only answer I can go with is a sense of humor.

And when it comes to a sense of humor, Tim is king of the comedy cult. During his heather bachelorhood days – Tim used to crack jokes at the comedy clubs that would make women n of all configurations, estrogen levels and extra organs laugh until they choked on their own spittle. And this was before he opened his mouth.

Today, Tim passes on his esoteric knowledge to the Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) reading this column on how to weaponize your sense of humor in attracting women. Fret not, my BTBP friends, you can finally give your assymetrical forearms a well-deserved respite.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

RJ: I understand that you gave up a lucrative career as a pole dancer and become a full-time stand-up comedian. Here’s five pesos, tell me a joke.
Tim: (With a turned up nose) The stand-up that I do is not really about telling jokes. They’re not like joke book jokes that start off with ‘Two guys walk into a bar..’ The stand up comedy I do is about telling you stories from my point of view, but it is a story that everybody can relate to. Basically, I think jokes are stories that everyone can relate to where you need to point out the absurdity of what you are saying.
Well, that was five of my hard earned pesos down the drain. So, were you already this good-looking (cough, cough) even before you developed a sense of humor?
To tell you the truth, I was an ugly kid. You know how people go up to your parents and say “Anak mo ba yan (Is that your child)? He is so cute!” When I was a kid, people would go up to my mom and say “Is this kid bothering you?”
Thank God then for advancements in reconstructive surgery.
But seriously, when I was young, I was dark, I was scrawny, I had big ears and I had genitals that were as large as those of a horse’s.
How small do they breed the horses where you come from?
I started discovering the power of humor around high school, which is about the same time that I lost my virginity.
I thought you would keep your homeroom teacher out of this conversation.
What i don’t know though is if I was good-looking first then the sense of humor came after or if the sense of humor made me more attractive.
I think your sense of humor has also given you is an overdeveloped cranium. When did you realize that you had the ability to make people laugh for a living? And not merely because of your appearance?
I was living in the States and working for consulting company when one day I just asked myself ‘what’s my purpose?’ I can’t sing and I don’t have any real talent. Well, aside from being endowed like a horse.
That goes without saying.
I couldn’t do a career in pornography because my parents wouldn’t approve. So I took stock of my other talents. And I noticed that wherever I would go and whomever I would talk to, I could find a commonality between us and I would find a joke in that.
Like a good laugh about your horse parts.
So I thought maybe THAT is my talent! I can relate to people and I can make people laugh! That’s when I decided to try stand up. The first time I performed on stage was back in 1996 in States. It was in a café with a huge audience of four people. Three of them were my friends and the fourth was another comedian waiting his turn. When I got on stage, I though I killed that night. But after reviewing the tape of my stand up routine ten years later, I realized that I was actually bombing.
I didn’t realize that there was a lot of violence in the stand up comedy profession. This elusive sense of humor you posses, is it an innate skill? Or is it practiced? Is it a demon that you need to sacrifice several hundred virgin cows to every full moon?
I knew this guy who started doing with stand up comedy with me who really, really sucked. And I’m not talking about you, RJ. He kept on doing the same jokes over and over again.
Like running jokes about yayas, Dirty Old Men (DOMs), No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and genitals? Yeah, they suck. Can’t those losers come up with new material?
At that point, I thought you were either born with a sense of humor or you just sucked. But after two years, this guy started getting gigs in the comedy clubs. So I think that there is a part of sense of humor that is innate and another part is skill. The more you tell jokes or you write jokes, the sharper you will get at it. Eventually, you will develop a sixth sense for knowing what’s going to work and what’s not going to work. And this sense gets better over time.
Or you can just stick to jokes about having a yaya at thirty-five. That always gets you a mercy laugh.

MAG-EXERCISE TAYO TUWING UMAGA

What type of exercises can one do to improve his sense of humor to make yourself more attractive to women without being subjected to bodily harm, psychological trauma or threat of lawsuit?
One of the best humor skills that will make you likeable, but not necessarily more attractive –
I’m sure you would be an expert at that.
While talking to a girl, look for that ‘inside joke’ during a conversation. Let’s say she talks about her day and she describes what she was doing while driving her car. While talking about driving her car, she casually makes a motion with her both of her hands as if she is holding on to her steering wheel. Now, remember that motion. Later on in the conversation, when she asks about your day, you can say ‘I was driving’ then repeat that motion of driving a car. She will recognize that you are mimicking her and now you have found a commonality.
So she will think, “Oh he’s so likeable because he is copying me. But he’s not attractive because he’s making fun of me. He’s such a likeable a#$^&*(!”
That’s right. Now you both share an ‘inside joke’ and an intimacy is created because of that ‘moment’. You’ve become more memorable to her and you’ve also you’ve also made her feel more comfortable around you. However, do not make fun or her to the point that you become condescending.
For the DOMs reading this column who are cognitively bereft of the concept of condescension, can you please explain how that works?
Like when you take the girl home at the end of the date. Then before she leaves your car, you wink at her, use your lips to point towards her apartment, then crack this joke “So, how much?”
Imaginary Gary Lising: I didn’t get that joke.
Also, don’t try to be too funny with her all the time. That can get to be pretty annoying.
Really, I don’t think that was possible (It’s possible – RJ’s three alienated female readers and, quite possibly, his desk editor Scott Garceau).
You can also be too offensive with your jokes if you’re not too close to the girl yet. For example, you might lace your conversation with too much sexual innuendo.
Really, like what? ‘Would you like to see the part of my body that led to a guest appearance on Pinoy Records?’
Like asking her “Hey, you wanna (bleep bleep bleep)?” That’s a bit too much (Laughs)
Imaginary Gary Lising: I still didn’t get that joke.
It’s kind of hard to say where to draw the line when you want to be funny with a girl. It’s different with each girl. But unless you are emotional brick wall, I think you can get a sense when the girl is still comfortable, so it’s up to your own judgment.
It’s either you use your judgment or she uses her taser.
Don’t be fooled either by women’s piss poor excuses of why they can’t go out with you. They’ll say anything like “I have a headache” or “I’m your cousin”. Don’t let that stop you.
Don’t let the prospect of having cross-eyed, club-toed offspring stop you from getting a date. Got it.
More importantly, a sense of humor helps you improve your ability to accept rejection.
No wonder so many NGSBs make for great comedians.
You can cope better with rejection if you don’t take things too seriously. Let’s take a previous example: You come up to a woman in a bar and ask her “How much?” If she slaps you, then you can say “I see, so you don’t want cash. How about dinner and a movie first?” But if she answers “Two thousand”, then you have a point of negotiation.
I see now why your facial skin has gained a leather-like consistency.
Another way to use humor is to defuse tension or to use it as an icebreaker. For example, when you run out of things before a date ends, you can say “Do you want to go with me to Victoria Court?” If the woman slaps you, then you say –
Because if I have a discount card?
“Hey wait a minute!? I wanted to take you to Victoria Court because they have good crispy pata!” So you turn it into a joke while at the same time engage in some witty repartee.
I didn’t know that Victoria Court served crispy pata.
And when the woman thinks that you don’t feel too bad that she turned you down, she might feel sorry for you. Then – wouldn’t you know it – you become a tad bit more attractive. You lose that smell of desperation because you are able to joke about the situation.
As opposed to the smells that you usually emit.
Since it’s no big deal that you won’t go out with her, you suddenly turn into “Mr. Mysterious”. She’s thinking “He’s ok with me turning him down?” Then she starts to think about her own self-worth, “Maybe he didn’t really like, why didn’t he get offended!? Maybe he didn’t really like me? Maybe he didn’t really want to take me to Victoria Court!? Now I’m offended!” And when she realizes this, the ball is now in your court.
And with that, an NGSB is one step closer to finding out if they really have good crispy pata in Victoria Court.

DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL

Was there any downside to developing a sense of humor?
Honestly? A lot more guys hated me. They all wanted to be me: the funny guy who gets his unfair share of women. It’s hard to be a funny, attractive guy. All your guy friends end up playing second fiddle to you. It always sucks to be a sidekick. I’m sure you can relate.
I think your sense of humor is starting to make me hate you as well. Finally – to make this five peso interview worth it – does a man’s sense of humor truly increase his sex appeal?
Yes it will. As long as you have money.
Thank you Tim, you are an inspiration for our lawmakers to craft better sexual harassment laws.

But we weren’t alone. Sandwiched between our half-naked, well-sculpted and chest-hairy bodies was a relative of a retired military office known for his escapades into military adventurism. Or, at least, that was what she purported to be as she went by the name Kuhdet Hunasan (really).

However, this is a story Tim and I would rather not get into after signing the confidentiality disclosure agreements that were prerequisites to securing our marriage licenses. Suffice it to say, there are many things that we did on our critically-acclaimed (the MTRCB was very critical of us) cult hit (some of those cults are still hunting for us) Studio 23’s ‘The Men’s Room’ that have prevented us from participating in family reunions over the past several years.

We didn’t know any better at the time. We were both single, ignorant and did things for Art’s sake (Art promised us a seven picture movie deal and an underwear endorsement. Damn you, Art!). My, how things have changed. Now we are both now happily married (Not to each other though). But we still do get the occasional calls from Art for a nude painting session.

Tim and I often get asked (Ok, ok, we like to ask each other) how we managed to marry such drop-dead gorgeous wives without the benefit of pity, gayuma or neuro-linguistic programming.

Since you’ve eliminated all my other options, the only answer I can go with is a sense of humor.

And when it comes to a sense of humor, Tim is king of the comedy cult. During his heather bachelorhood days – Tim used to crack jokes at the comedy clubs that would make women n of all configurations, estrogen levels and extra organs laugh until they choked on their own spittle. And this was before he opened his mouth.

Today, Tim passes on his esoteric knowledge to the Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) reading this column on how to weaponize your sense of humor in attracting women. Fret not, my BTBP friends, you can finally give your assymetrical forearms a well-deserved respite.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

RJ: I understand that you gave up a lucrative career as a pole dancer and become a full-time stand-up comedian. Here’s five pesos, tell me a joke.
Tim: (With a turned up nose) The stand-up that I do is not really about telling jokes. They’re not like joke book jokes that start off with ‘Two guys walk into a bar..’ The stand up comedy I do is about telling you stories from my point of view, but it is a story that everybody can relate to. Basically, I think jokes are stories that everyone can relate to where you need to point out the absurdity of what you are saying.
Well, that was five of my hard earned pesos down the drain. So, were you already this good-looking (cough, cough) even before you developed a sense of humor?
To tell you the truth, I was an ugly kid. You know how people go up to your parents and say “Anak mo ba yan (Is that your child)? He is so cute!” When I was a kid, people would go up to my mom and say “Is this kid bothering you?”
Thank God then for advancements in reconstructive surgery.
But seriously, when I was young, I was dark, I was scrawny, I had big ears and I had genitals that were as large as those of a horse’s.
How small do they breed the horses where you come from?
I started discovering the power of humor around high school, which is about the same time that I lost my virginity.
I thought you would keep your homeroom teacher out of this conversation.
What i don’t know though is if I was good-looking first then the sense of humor came after or if the sense of humor made me more attractive.
I think your sense of humor has also given you is an overdeveloped cranium. When did you realize that you had the ability to make people laugh for a living? And not merely because of your appearance?
I was living in the States and working for consulting company when one day I just asked myself ‘what’s my purpose?’ I can’t sing and I don’t have any real talent. Well, aside from being endowed like a horse.
That goes without saying.
I couldn’t do a career in pornography because my parents wouldn’t approve. So I took stock of my other talents. And I noticed that wherever I would go and whomever I would talk to, I could find a commonality between us and I would find a joke in that.
Like a good laugh about your horse parts.
So I thought maybe THAT is my talent! I can relate to people and I can make people laugh! That’s when I decided to try stand up. The first time I performed on stage was back in 1996 in States. It was in a café with a huge audience of four people. Three of them were my friends and the fourth was another comedian waiting his turn. When I got on stage, I though I killed that night. But after reviewing the tape of my stand up routine ten years later, I realized that I was actually bombing.
I didn’t realize that there was a lot of violence in the stand up comedy profession. This elusive sense of humor you posses, is it an innate skill? Or is it practiced? Is it a demon that you need to sacrifice several hundred virgin cows to every full moon?
I knew this guy who started doing with stand up comedy with me who really, really sucked. And I’m not talking about you, RJ. He kept on doing the same jokes over and over again.
Like running jokes about yayas, Dirty Old Men (DOMs), No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and genitals? Yeah, they suck. Can’t those losers come up with new material?
At that point, I thought you were either born with a sense of humor or you just sucked. But after two years, this guy started getting gigs in the comedy clubs. So I think that there is a part of sense of humor that is innate and another part is skill. The more you tell jokes or you write jokes, the sharper you will get at it. Eventually, you will develop a sixth sense for knowing what’s going to work and what’s not going to work. And this sense gets better over time.
Or you can just stick to jokes about having a yaya at thirty-five. That always gets you a mercy laugh.

MAG-EXERCISE TAYO TUWING UMAGA

What type of exercises can one do to improve his sense of humor to make yourself more attractive to women without being subjected to bodily harm, psychological trauma or threat of lawsuit?
One of the best humor skills that will make you likeable, but not necessarily more attractive –
I’m sure you would be an expert at that.
While talking to a girl, look for that ‘inside joke’ during a conversation. Let’s say she talks about her day and she describes what she was doing while driving her car. While talking about driving her car, she casually makes a motion with her both of her hands as if she is holding on to her steering wheel. Now, remember that motion. Later on in the conversation, when she asks about your day, you can say ‘I was driving’ then repeat that motion of driving a car. She will recognize that you are mimicking her and now you have found a commonality.
So she will think, “Oh he’s so likeable because he is copying me. But he’s not attractive because he’s making fun of me. He’s such a likeable a#$^&*(!”
That’s right. Now you both share an ‘inside joke’ and an intimacy is created because of that ‘moment’. You’ve become more memorable to her and you’ve also you’ve also made her feel more comfortable around you. However, do not make fun or her to the point that you become condescending.
For the DOMs reading this column who are cognitively bereft of the concept of condescension, can you please explain how that works?
Like when you take the girl home at the end of the date. Then before she leaves your car, you wink at her, use your lips to point towards her apartment, then crack this joke “So, how much?”
Imaginary Gary Lising: I didn’t get that joke.
Also, don’t try to be too funny with her all the time. That can get to be pretty annoying.
Really, I don’t think that was possible (It’s possible – RJ’s three alienated female readers and, quite possibly, his desk editor Scott Garceau).
You can also be too offensive with your jokes if you’re not too close to the girl yet. For example, you might lace your conversation with too much sexual innuendo.
Really, like what? ‘Would you like to see the part of my body that led to a guest appearance on Pinoy Records?’
Like asking her “Hey, you wanna (bleep bleep bleep)?” That’s a bit too much (Laughs)
Imaginary Gary Lising: I still didn’t get that joke.
It’s kind of hard to say where to draw the line when you want to be funny with a girl. It’s different with each girl. But unless you are emotional brick wall, I think you can get a sense when the girl is still comfortable, so it’s up to your own judgment.
It’s either you use your judgment or she uses her taser.
Don’t be fooled either by women’s piss poor excuses of why they can’t go out with you. They’ll say anything like “I have a headache” or “I’m your cousin”. Don’t let that stop you.
Don’t let the prospect of having cross-eyed, club-toed offspring stop you from getting a date. Got it.
More importantly, a sense of humor helps you improve your ability to accept rejection.
No wonder so many NGSBs make for great comedians.
You can cope better with rejection if you don’t take things too seriously. Let’s take a previous example: You come up to a woman in a bar and ask her “How much?” If she slaps you, then you can say “I see, so you don’t want cash. How about dinner and a movie first?” But if she answers “Two thousand”, then you have a point of negotiation.
I see now why your facial skin has gained a leather-like consistency.
Another way to use humor is to defuse tension or to use it as an icebreaker. For example, when you run out of things before a date ends, you can say “Do you want to go with me to Victoria Court?” If the woman slaps you, then you say –
Because if I have a discount card?
“Hey wait a minute!? I wanted to take you to Victoria Court because they have good crispy pata!” So you turn it into a joke while at the same time engage in some witty repartee.
I didn’t know that Victoria Court served crispy pata.
And when the woman thinks that you don’t feel too bad that she turned you down, she might feel sorry for you. Then – wouldn’t you know it – you become a tad bit more attractive. You lose that smell of desperation because you are able to joke about the situation.
As opposed to the smells that you usually emit.
Since it’s no big deal that you won’t go out with her, you suddenly turn into “Mr. Mysterious”. She’s thinking “He’s ok with me turning him down?” Then she starts to think about her own self-worth, “Maybe he didn’t really like, why didn’t he get offended!? Maybe he didn’t really like me? Maybe he didn’t really want to take me to Victoria Court!? Now I’m offended!” And when she realizes this, the ball is now in your court.
And with that, an NGSB is one step closer to finding out if they really have good crispy pata in Victoria Court.

DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL

Was there any downside to developing a sense of humor?
Honestly? A lot more guys hated me. They all wanted to be me: the funny guy who gets his unfair share of women. It’s hard to be a funny, attractive guy. All your guy friends end up playing second fiddle to you. It always sucks to be a sidekick. I’m sure you can relate.
I think your sense of humor is starting to make me hate you as well. Finally – to make this five peso interview worth it – does a man’s sense of humor truly increase his sex appeal?
Yes it will. As long as you have money.
Thank you Tim, you are an inspiration for our lawmakers to craft better sexual harassment laws.

There are many memories that we have of our favorite motel that will never be recounted without the benefit of a Supreme Court ruling. After all, this is the favorite destination for those who like to don a pair of shades and a baseball cap, borrow an unmarked car and park in a drive-in garage, so that they can be themselves for (give or take) three hours. And it is a well-known secret respite from prudish parents, pakialamero (nosy) in-laws and overbearing yayas where you can live out your fantasies as a boxing champ, an English super-spy or the President of the free world. And all under the watchful gaze of a ceiling mirror (Or so I am told).

I have fond and morally justifiable memories of Victoria Court as it was the location where I shot the pilot episode of my late, lamented (I continue to lament) television show on Studio 23 with stand-up comic and Kama Sutra scholar Tim Tayag, the critically-acclaimed (my mom was very critical of it), cult hit (many of the cult members have since been arrested) The Men’s Room.  Together with Tim, our pink parts got all wrinkly in a Jacuzzi with former coup d’état -themed starlet Kuhdet Hunasan (Kuhdet’s stage name continues to change depending on the political climate).  The MTRCB also remembers the show fondly.

To help me vicariously re-live those memories of Victoria Court is Managing Director Ian King. After all my puns about Ian being the King of the court wore out after thirty seconds, we curled up in his Chinese Imperial Palace- inspired Red Fortress theme room and he proceeded to show me the quality of Victoria Court’s service.

COURT IS IN SESSION

Where art thou, Victoria?

Ian, this mystery has enthralled Pinoy men they discovered both the gift of puberty and the need for privacy: Just who is Victoria? And why not Esmerelda, Luzviminda or Paraluman?

Victoria Court came from my father. When my grandfather started working, he wanted to segment the business between his two sons. So one business became Anito Lodge and the other one become Victoria Court (VC). The first company my father acquired was the VC from Pasig.  It’s where the Pasig motels are right now. 

I have a passing familiarity with the area.

Subliminally, do you know that if you twist the VC logo to the side, it resembles a sperm and an egg. It’s funny, I actually sent the logo to a friend for a thesis study and when the results came back to me, I was laughing and laughing.  But my dad didn’t know that at the time. 

I didn’t realize how sexually charged the logo of VC was.  I’ve got something pala in common with the VC logo.  People also say that I resemble a reproductive organ.  Tell me, which VC branch does the most brisk business?   

I’d say the Malate branch because it is still the heart of the company.

Is that because there are hornier people in Manila?

Maybe (Laughs).  Let’s put it this way: there are more adventurous people in Manila.  Do you know why motels are successful in the Philippines?  Most families live with other families at home.  So where are you going to get your sexy time when you are separated from other family members by a plywood wall?  If you can hear lolo and lolo and tito and tita and brother and kuya and nephew and cousin all next door, where you going to go?

No wonder lolo and lola are never at home. 

Love is a many-splendored thing

Just how many theme rooms are there in Victoria Court? 

We have close to nine hundred (900) rooms corporate-wide and no two rooms are alike. So even if we have an Austin Powers room in Malate and an Austin Powers room in Pasig, If you check out both those rooms, you’ll find that they are different from each other. 

Those Austin Powers rooms must be mind-blowing, especially if they come with Heather Graham.  How exactly do you come up with these theme rooms?  Do you run a survey and ask people, ‘If you could have sex anywhere, where exactly would that place be’?  Or do you just watch a lot of porn and see what type of rooms people like to perform naked calisthenics in?

It’s my personal fantasies.  (Laughs half-mockingly) We do have a survey form which says, ‘We’d like to build your best fantasy room.’   The rooms actually stem from the travels of our designers and suggestions from the guests. Next year, in fact, we are launching the celebrity theme rooms designed by the likes of Jake Cuenca, Joey Mead, Mylene Dizon, Robby Carmona, Raymund Isaac, and Rhett Eala. 

So the guests can think when they are having sex in the room, they can channel the libido of Jake Cuenca and Robby Carmona.  Scary.  What are the popular theme rooms in Victoria Court?  Is it the room that resembles the back of your car?  A dark alley?  A proctologist’s office?  Or a room that resembles Malacanang? I hear a lot of people get screwed over there.  

The really popular rooms for the media and the party people are the Moulin Rouge and the Oval Office rooms in Pasig. The regular rooms requested by the guests are the Austin Powers Room, the Matrix room, the Aeon Flux room, the Oscar Awards Night room, the Balinese-inspired room, the seascape room, the aquarium room, the bunker room…

Bunker room? Really?  Like you’re at war?  Speaking of weapons of mass destruction, is there usually any collateral damage after the clients are done with the room?  Worn-out bedsprings?  Debris hanging from the chandeliers?  Bodily fluids corroding the floor?

In general, when we inspect the rooms after the guests use it, the rooms are generally clean.  The guests are neat.  Even the trash is clean. We don’t even know where they dispose the (ubo, ubo) evidence.

Maybe most of your clients come from the Department of Agriculture.  So if I brought Gil Grissom and his CSI team came to sweep a room in Victoria Court, they wouldn’t find a drop of evidence?   

We have our own blacklight too, you know. 

Your own blacklight, too? Damn, you’re better equipped than the PNP.   

We use blacklights because we are concerned about hygiene. We’ve got flashlights too because the rooms are dimly lit.  So the flashlights help us see other things quicker. 

Yes, it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience if the guests slipped on anything lurking in those dark corners.  

Silence is golden

Is there any soundproofing in the rooms?

No, but we do have cement walls.  We can’t hear your activities. 

That’s your loss.  I have heard from, ehem, certain sources that there are ceiling mirrors in your rooms. Are these mirrors there for aesthetic purposes?  Or are they there to help you check on your performance?

Well, RJ it’s obvious you haven’t been to us recently (Laughs and laughs heartily.  Too heartily, I say)

(RJ is uncharacteristically quiet) Like I said, all I know is hearsay. 

Those mirrors are, what, circa 80s?  We’ve actually removed most of the ceiling mirrors already. We’re moving into very classy theme rooms rather than motel-looking rooms.  I’m thinking your picture of a motel room would be leatherette and ceiling mirrors. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  

Nowadays, most of the rooms are, if not better, at par with the five-star hotels.

So, how can one check his performance when we have deprived of our ceiling mirrors?

I think you’d want to get a live feedback. 

I guess you’re right. After all, you can never get feedback from a blow-up doll.  I also understand that you have some special cable channels available for (ubo, ubo) educational purposes.

Hehehe, yes.  It’s very good for benchmarking their performance. 

That’s right, especially since you no longer have mirrors. Are there any surveillance cameras inside the rooms?  And if there are, can we view them?  In the name of investigative journalism.  Or in the name of National Geographic.

Not in the rooms, but there are video cameras in the secure areas like the kitchen, the offices, and the back entrances.

Sayang (What a waste), I was looking forward to buying the Best of Victoria Court DVD from you. 

Come one, come all

Do you need to show any identification before using the facilities of VC?  Like a drivers license?  Or SSS card?  Or a school ID?

Well, obviously, if you are in school uniform we won’t let you in.

But what if the school uniform is part of foreplay?

If he is a thirty year old man in khaki shorts, then that’s ok. But there’s a misconception that you need an ID to check into VC.  That was true in another motel where they required a marriage license. But at Victoria Court, we are open arms, we are non-discriminating.

It’s a good thing anyway that my wife had our marriage license tattooed onto my chest.  Is there an age limit when you can no longer avail of the services of VC because of health concerns?

You know what?   There are a number of senior citizens who use their senior citizens automatic discount with us all the time.  They are regular guests.       

You have made many a DOM reading this column ecstatic. I just hope they don’t keel over from a heart attack.

All the time in the world

Just how short is short time? And I do not ask this as a means to benchmark performance. 

We’ve had some as short as ten minutes. 

He should’ve just kept his engine running.  What is the average stay of a client at VC?

About five or six hours.  They usually come right after work. 

So that’s what they mean by happy hour.  And what’s the longest you’ve had someone stay in VC?

Two and a half years!?

That man must have excellent muscle control.  He could teach Sting a thing or two.  On what holidays do you get the most number of clients?  Valentine’s Day?  Christmas?  Undas?

The Valentine’s Day is not actually as strong as people perceive it to be. Because on Valentine’s Day, people are usually having dinner or watching a movie.  It’s actually the days before and the days after Valentine’s when business is strong.  In fact, long holidays are actually bad for our business because people go out of town. Incidentally, we also get a lot of clients during paydays and weekends.

Wives, you have been duly warned: Please make sure to hold up your husband during payday so he cannot head out for happy hour.  Unless he plans to spend happy hour with you in the bunker room.   

In the black

Ian, I have a phone-in question: do you guys still have your black card?  I thought that this black card was only an urban legend.  How does it work and will it make me more virile?

The black card is a lifetime card with a twenty percent discount on the rooms and ten percent on the food, It’s valid for all branches.

Imagine how much money the government could save with all those black cards.  How do you acquire one? 

We’re pretty flexible but it has a lot to do with loyalty of guests.  There are some people who come here every other day. 

No wonder nothing ever gets done in government offices. 

I see the same cars here a lot (snickers then looks behind his back).  I give out the card as a promo and we do tie-ups with certain clubs where we give the cards out.  We are launching a CD next year tied up with MCA-Universal where the black cards will come with the CD.

I’m sure a lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) will want to hoard those CDs.  Unfortunately, they wouldn’t know what to do with the black card. 

Broken silence

Are there any famous personalities who have held court in VC?  No need for names unless you really, really hate them. Come on, you can tell me.  I only have three female readers. 

RJ Ledesma.

I said famous. Not infamous.  Anyway, Ian, the most important question I have for you is this: Just what makes your crispy pata taste so good?

It’s a secret ingredient. I’m sorry. (Cackles diabolically)

Dammit, it’s that Victoria Court code of silence again!  You guys have got more secrets than this administration!

Because I am a shameless self promoter, I would like to repost in my blog several of the full book reviews I came across of ‘Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me’ that came out both in print and online.

And hopefully, this gets you excited enough to show up to my book signing at Fully Booked, Bonifacio Hi Street, Taguig on November 22 (Saturday).

Thanks again for the support! Namaste.

From Carlomar Arcangel Daoana of The Daily Tribune (originally published on February 14, 2008) 

RJ Ledesma’s take on love and all things similar

Since the publication of Kitty Go’s two delightful volumes on the foibles of high society, there has been no “funny” read to emerge that can actually balance the tightrope between acute observation and simply rollicking humor, that is until RJ Ledesma’s Lies my Yaya should have told Me was launched last Thursday in Archeology in Rockwell.

The book, published by Anvil, is something we have been expecting from RJ all along, if I may hazard a guess. His must-read ruminations on love, dating and things similar in the 21^st century, as chronicled by two dailies, plus his energizing touch that  transformed Manual into the only irreverently smart men’s magazine in the country, had left us guessing what RJ can do with the format of a book.

Lies my Yaya should have told Me is, simply put, a suave masterwork to this juggler of many careers. The first chapter “Love is a Four-Letter Word” blurts out what may be a fundamental truth about men: “They confuse sex for love.” From here, the author darts toward assembling objects that curiously set the mood for sex, which men believe they have wrapped in smokescreen. The author, as a fact-seeking journalist, takes a quick jaunt to Victoria Court and cyber-cruises in dating sites to report first-hand the nitty-gritty of love’s nether regions.

 His vivisection of Christian Bautista’s “Hands to Heaven” is, however, the crux of this chapter, as it betrays the underlying message in the song’s refrain repeated five times: “Tonight I need your sweet caress,/Hold me in the darkness/Tonight you calm my restlessness/You relieve my sadness.” What looks like an innocuous string of words is actually deceptive. Warning the “three female readers of my column,” RJ decodes the lyrics as: “I want to go at it with you five times but I hope you don’t make me feel guilty in the morning when I give you a call.”

The second chapter, “The thin line between love and insanity,” ventures into terra incognita: the wrath of a woman.  The “rusty pliers,” a character that will evolve to Darth Vader proportions as one reads along, makes its initial appearance here. Essentially, the stories in the chapter are meant to make sense of woman’s a senselessness when she is fuming mad. RJ, in a stroke of genius, realizes that “she has the divine right to get angry at you about anything because it is entire your fault.”  He spirals into another Dante Alighieri hell by knowing the fury connected with PMS and ovulation. I have never read anything as reverential when it comes to woman’s body rhythms.

Dating, as seen through the eyes of RJ, gets demystified in the third chapter, “Mating Games.” His almost anthropological approach to the anatomy of flirting (ditto the svelte seduction of stilettos), which RJ concludes as a failure of interpretations, is juxtaposed with a she says/he says repartee on the nature of woman’s weight, all meant to save a man’s precious extremities once the conversation actually creeps up. Describing blind dates as “the Russian roulettes of the courtship world,” RJ reasons that “men shouldn’t be allowed to go on speed dating without a license” and “women shouldn’t go on speed dating without alcohol.”

The raison d’etre isn’t served until the last chapter, “The Parent Trap,” which reads like a somnambulist’s recollection of a guy meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time while simultaneously glimpsing a vision of his death. It’s incisive, not to mention hilarious, in a way that it exposes the nuances of the uniquely Pinoy phenomenon called dalaw, the prelude to the actual pamamanhikan.

“According to the book The Filipino Family,” the author writes, “tradition dictates that parents command their daughters to stay in their rooms and plug their ears full of cotton so that they can face the young man and pulverize him without restraint.  And, even if your dangle has yet to cause collateral damage, the Q&A serves as a preemptive strike to ensure the preservation of virgin territory.”

 In Lies my Yaya should have told Me, RJ’s strength lies more on hyperbole than irony. There’s nothing to read between the lines and all the scenes are meant to be imaginatively relished (yes, even the dog fornicating with the author’s leg in a beach) and in some instances, cringed upon, especially when rusty tools creep up as a warning against men’s nonsense and such. It’s evident that the author dips his foot into the territory of fiction, but not only for effect: he finagles truths about the human condition—chiefly, the eternal interplay between a man and a woman—by enlarging and sculpting situations to suit his end.

 As the book engages with Philippine contemporary life, the reader will not miss the deft tirades of the author on politics. RJ describes GMA’s approval ratings as “scant as the outfits” which “nubile starlets” wore in his TV show.  It’s commentary that doesn’t leave a bad taste in the mouth, but interests just the same because it is so left-field, so dripping with humor.

For some, the author may even be considered as a feminist—a self-deprecating figure prostate on the altar of Venus. But he is, deep down, just an ordinary bloke who is man enough to admit, recognize, even celebrate the importance of women—not merely for pro-creation purposes, mind you. Because of this, RJ may come across as merely earnest. But if earnestness is his vice, so be it.

From Paolo Lorenzana of Philippine Star’s Supreme (originally published on March 1, 2008)

Randomonium

Welcome to the 21st century, where the sexual revolution has revolved off into absurdity—and where a Pinoy guy in his 30s can unflinchingly write about his inadequacies and pay homage to the woman who constantly provides him wisdom, mis-education, and towels to wipe his pawis: his yaya.

Sure, any guy would have reaped emotional scars from hawking Royal Tru Orange in an ‘80s commercial that takes totoy to an unprecedented level, but that colorful blip in a man’s life only proves to add to the wisecracking, utterly self-deprecating persona of Rene “RJ” Ledesma, which is what prodded me to purchase Lies my Yaya Should have Told Me: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women over Pulutan from the Soldier’s Kitchen, a bar chow cookbook compiled by two Oakwood mutineers-turned-gourmands who’ve whipped-up productivity from incarceration—the former, way tastier than a serving of adobong hito sa gata.

A collection of his columns from the Manila Times (“Playing With My Tools”) and The Philippine Star (“Pogi from a Parallel Universe”), Lies my Yaya Should have told Me chronicles its author’s testicle tickling—and kicking—travails in the savage lands of the female species; one presided over by a girlfriend who’s privy to the law (she’s a barrister) and won’t think twice about pummeling his man-parts with a gavel, a mother who’s amusingly overbearing, and, of course, a yaya who acts as the cackling entity looming over his manhood and the bastion of his subservience to the fairer sex.

No, the holy trinity of girlfriend-mother-yaya doesn’t really stand behind RJ holding cold gun barrels against his head as in Iraqi captive execution, but all the campy imagination makes for a riotous read, anyway; RJ writing of the 21st century Pinoy man’s concerns (Victoria Court motels and chloroform, boys’ nights out and KTVs, and all the blood-pumping dilemmas of having a d*ck) from the hazards of dating and the task of appeasing girlfriends we don’t seem to deserve, no matter how smart, funny, and rightfully geeky a man is. Whether it’s weathering women through “permissible manslaughter” (PMS) and irrationale (“She has the divine right to get angry at you about anything because it is your entire fault”) or having to learn the secret art of listening, RJ channels Steve Martin, Dolphy, and pre-Duplex Ben Stiller—especially when he meets his girlfriend’s parents in an essay entitled “Let Sleeping Pickles Lie”, an allusion to slipping some discretion to a mate’s parents to avoid the pickling of one’s testicles.

We’re all pretty much on the same train to men-only Auschwitz when we deal with the women in our lives, but with RJ as our crash test dummy fumbling for propriety and his girlfriend’s graces, we can stand at the sidelines rubbing our bellies and laughing nervously at how much of an absolutely clueless and lesser sex we are. Ledesma’s Lies makes for great pulutan for the imbecile’s soul (that means all hetero wielders of the schlong) and it’s good to see one guy, as they say, taking it like a man.

From Rome Jorge of Manila Times (originally published on April 3, 2008)

RJ Ledesma tells all about his Yaya, The Tru-Orange kid and his expose about his nanny

He started his literary career here at The Manila Times. His column, “Playing with My Tools,” reintroduced Filipinos readers to RJ Ledesma, then better known for being that kid, Joey, in the Royal Tru Orange commercial (if you’re old enough to remember, you’re old—like RJ and I are) who was sent by his mommy to buy some suka [vinegar, not puke].

He also co-hosted for that FHM-like TV show Men’s Room. In his column entries, he intimated: his fixation with supermodel Phoemela Barranda; his dependence on his yaya [nanny/wet nurse], belying any similarity of television commercial persona with his true self—that of a scion of real estate development empire, Ledesco; and his supposedly henpecked and Catholic-guilt-stricken relationship with Vanessa, now his wife. Read it and weep:

The Comet that Killed the Dinosaurs [RJ Ledesma’s pet name for his girlfriend, specifically when she’s pissed at him]: Why do you keep writing about Phoemela Barranda!? You think I find that funny!? Every week it’s Phoem this and Phoem that! It’s enough already that I have to compete with your yaya sleeping beside you at night, then Phoem pa!

RJ the dead idiot: What does this have to do with what we’re talking about? Love, you know I’m just writing about Phoem for humorous exaggeration, and you didn’t have to let the readers know about my yaya . . .

- Playing With My Tools, The Manila Times, May 29, 2005

Later, Ledesma became Editor in Chief of Manual Magazine. And then he left to us to write for that other newspaper filled with star columnists. Arrgh. The turncoat! But we know the dirt on Ledesma. And so does everyone, thanks to his new book, Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women.

They say it’s a bestseller, most especially after it was allegedly mandated as required reading for the rank and file of Ledesco. Friends of Ledesma (as well as complete and utter strangers) can expect to receive copies of his book for Christmas, Valentine’s, Halloween, and on their wedding, baptism, confirmation and circumcision. Sources allege that this is but the first in Ledesma’s quest for ultimate power.

Rumor has it that a movie musicale based on the book (starring Barranda no less and the dashing Andrew E as Ledesma) is set to be released shortly before the campaign season of the next elections, where Ledesma is said to run for President under a platform of free government-subsidized soft drinks, a ban on all meat products and calls for an orange revolution.

Oh, about the book. It’s kind’a funny.

Be on the lookout for special copies with centerfold spread photos of Ledesma and nanny. Do not open—not unless you value the meal you ate beforehand.

In it as well are insights into the Pinoy psyche—at least the psyche of Pinoy who’s a vegan yoga instructor, real estate magnate, Couples for Christ member and men’s magazine editor. Definitely, the author is your typical guy.

Already, literary critics have lavished praise on the book:

“It made me cry.” -RJ Ledesma

Kidding aside, the book delivers oodles on the science behind romance such as the biochemistry of pheromones and oxytocins. It also delivers realistic situationers about romance and relationship for 21st century Pinoys—like Catholic guilt about premarital sex and skulking about drive-in motels just the same.

It’s a must read, especially for employees of Ledesco.

From Gmeleen Faye B. Tomboc of Clickthecity.com (originally posted on February 11, 2008)

Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me

If you walk into a book launch graced by Mayor Binay and members of the diplomatic corps, you could have mistaken it for the launching of a coffee table book. However, once I spotted Gary Lising and DJ Mo Twister milling around, I knew there was something else to it.

On a Thursday night, RJ Ledesma (aka that guy in the Royal Tru Orange commercial) unveiled his first compilation “Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Whine and Women.” Gary Lising, DJ Mo Twister, Nancy Castiglione, Sam Oh, and Jojo “All the Way” Alajar were on hand to read out excerpts. Those familiar with his late-night show with stand-up comedian Tim Tayag (“The Men’s Room”) would definitely know what to expect from this paperback – tongue-in-cheek humor.

The book is a compilation of his essays from his previous column in the Manila Times called “Playing With My Tools,” and his current column for the Philippine Star called “Pogi from a Parallel Universe.” The observations on pick-up lines, dating, courtship, and certain life-changing events, such as dealing with the parents of your girlfriend, are razor-sharp, laugh-out-loud (not just chuckle) funny, and most of the time, embarrassingly true. How else can you explain this passage: “In their more complex minds, women mistakenly ‘boys’ night out’ with cheap beer, voluptuous women, and really lousy singing. They’re wrong you know- the beer isn’t cheap.”

Surprisingly, there’s a fair amount of research that went into each column- RJ cites sources running the gamut of the president of the American Board of Sexology to books such as “Shoes: A Celebration of Pumps, Sandals and Slippers.” There are also sprinklings of political innuendo thrown in: “(My) girlfriend informed me that I had first to ask her parents’ permission to accompany her to the United States. If there’s anything that scares me more than GMA’s mole, it is her parents.”

Of course, the evening could not have been complete without RJ’s yaya, who gamely hammed it up for the camera with her ward. There are more observations on everything else than on what RJ’s yaya actually told (or did not tell) him. But after going through all 107 pages, you wouldn’t mind.

This paperback is a fun read because RJ isn’t afraid to poke fun at himself; in one essay, he describes himself this way: “I was already a thirty something who had suffered his first bald spot (oh, the indignity!) and finally gained the privilege to watch porn movies guilt-free (but I still lock my door).” RJ shares, “The nice thing about humor is that you’re able to tell the truth in a way that you can accept it. Luckily I’m someone who has a very low threshold of embarrassment.”